Stuff Happens
by NotWhoYouThinkThisIs
Summary: AU: All human. When six college students from rival Chicago boarding schools accidentally find themselves sharing a run-down condo for a semester, stuff happens. AxJ, EmxR, ExB... eventually...
1. Road Trip!

Stuff Happens

AU: all human. When six college students from rival Chicago boarding schools accidentally find themselves sharing a run-down condo for a semester, stuff happens. AxJ, EmxR, ExB... eventually...

**Author's Note:**

**Tequila: **HOWDY, Y'ALL!

**Justin: **Tequila!! YOU'RE BACK!! I thought you left me!! Where were you all this time??

**Tequila:** I, um, I got lost in the closet….again….

**Justin:** -sighs-… Anyway, why are you speaking in a strange, badly done Southern/Texan accent?

**Tequila:** Umm… is this a trick question?

**Justin:** No.

**Tequila:** Because I can?

**Justin:** Okay… sure… let's go with that… Anyway, I now present, our first AU!! (well, sort of)

**Tequila:** Awakened and Roses Are Red are backstory delving type thingys, and My Everything and Grey Moonare just possible continuations of already existing plot…

**Justin:** So this is our first, all human type story! We're very excited

**Tequila**: And not just because I have a hedgehog in my ears

**Justin:** Okay… that's nice, Tequila… so, enjoy chapter one, y'all!

**Tequila:** -giggles- I'M CONTAGIOUS!! YAY!!

**Justin:** Oh, damn…

**Disclaimer:** if we owned Twilight, we'd be, all, like, manic and strange and hyperactive with excitement, duh! -world blinks- well, okay, so not the best example… umm, we don't own Twilight, alright?!

**Side A/N:** We would just like to point out that whenever we put in an email address into the document, it wouldn't show. So we had to make do with what we had. The dialogue between The story name and the chapter name are emails that are being sent back and forth-- sorry if you didn't get that!

Stuff Happens

To: E. Cullen

From: A. Brandon

Subject: roommates!

Hey, I got your address from the Washington University Living Assistance Board, and they said you were looking to share the four bedroom condo they have available (for a special assisted rent) with three people—myself and two friends are thinking about the same thing. If you're still interested, you can reach me at this email address (very excited to be using the new, Washington University provided address!!) to fix up rent and compatibility, and stuff like that. But honestly, we're all pretty accommodating so long as none of you smoke or throw loud parties too often :D

-Al Brandon

To: A. Brandon

From: E. Cullen

Subject: RE: roommates!

Halloo! The WULAB rock!! We saw that condo on the list—the one on the corner of Meyer Way and Second Avenue, right? Yeah, we were thinking about that—so long as you guys aren't fuss budgets about a few parties, but willing to be quiet when Jazzy wants to study, I think we should be good! None of us smoke, or anything, and we're all pretty hygienic. We were thinking we'd just split the rent six ways, okay?

-Em Cullen

To: E. Cullen

From: A. Brandon

Subject: RE: RE: roommates!

Yep, that one! We haven't been, but it was described as just what we needed! This all sounds perfect. We're thinking we'll drive up, and get there about a week before fall semester starts. See you there!

-Al

To: PimpUrRide; Mrs. Darcy

From: ThatPorscheIsMine

Subject: YESS!!

OMG!! bella, rose, i just got an email from emily cullen, it sounds great… WE ARE OFFICIALLY GOING TO WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY!! XD i cant wait!!

To: StarsAndBars; PianoMan

From: BoxersOrBriefs

Subject: done deal

halloo! okay, i set it all up—sounds good…um… i'll attach the emails i got from al, but it sounds good to me—unless one of u old women (cough jasper cough) wants to get picky! if i don't hear from u soon, tho, im gonna assume we r READY TO ROCK AND ROLL!! WOOT!

Chapter One: Road Trip

"Come _on! _Let's _go_!" Alice yelled, her suit cases packed and ready for the long trip ahead of us. Her eyes blazed with an odd mix of worry and amusement as she tapped her foot by the open door. Her tiny frame leaned against the wall, and her gaze constantly moved from the car parked outside, to the commotion inside, and the small watch on her wrist. "We're going to be late!!"

"Would you relax Alice? With Rose driving, we're probably gonna hit a time warp and arrive a day early!" I teased, as I frantically looked around for my wallet. Alice simply stuck out her tongue at me, her gaze flickering once more to the shiny red convertible outside the house. The BMW was Rosalie's sweet sixteen birthday present- and her most prized possession. If you even looked at it the wrong way she would go ballistic. If you asked to borrow it, you had the next ten seconds to live. Luckily I had been deemed "worthy" enough to ride it. As one of her best friends, you'd think I would be by default, right? Wrong.

"Ah-ha! Found it!" I shouted triumphantly as I held my wallet aloft. I quickly inserted it into the black pocket of my favorite beat-up pair of jeans, and transported my suitcase to the door. "Now I'm ready. All we need now is Rosalie and we can go!"

Rosalie Hale was Alice and my other best friend and room mate. She was gorgeous- tall, blonde, and statuesque. She was also commanding, funny, and incredibly smart. All three of us had been room mates since we had joined the Denali School For Girls. It took a little while, but we soon hit it off and became best friends, even sisters. They meant the world to me, and I was incredibly psyched when all of us got into the same college, Washington University. It had been my dream college, and all three of us worked our butts off to achieve Scholarships and Financial Aids so we could simply pay for the tuition. We were heading off for that college right now, to inspect our living arrangements before the term started.

It was all Alice's idea. We weren't going to be in a simple dorm, oh no. We were sharing the rent of a condo with three other girls whom we have never even met before. Alice had kept up a series of emails with these girls, and even I approved when I saw them. Every detail had been worked out. We would split the monthly rent by six, there would be no mad house parties, and everyone would be relatively hygienic. The closet space was even big enough for Alice to fit all her belongings. The location was perfect too, it was almost right next to campus. I couldn't wait till we arrived, I was aching for a chance to check out my new home.

But judging from Rosalie's current process, we would have to wait for a while.

"ROSALIE LILLIAN HALE!" came the ear-splitting shriek that was Alice. "IFYOU DONT GET DOWN THIS INSTANT THEN I SWEAR WE'LL LEAVE!!"

"You wouldn't _dare_." Rosalie replied as she carried her bags down the stairs. Her neck was tilted so that her head locked her cell phone to her shoulder. I blinked- who could she be talking to at this time?

"No, not you!" She snapped at the victim on the other end of her line. "Listen, Rob, I can't talk right now. I'm _busy_."

I let out a sigh as I shook my head. Rob was Rosalie's soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. Rosalie didn't have feelings for Rob, but instead of breaking it off, she wanted some fun before we left for good. Now, since Rob didn't intend to break up with her as she had hoped, she was stuck with the deed. Rosalie wanted to remain independent, and having a boyfriend miles away would only hold her back. That's what she thought, anyway.

"Oh, really now?" Rosalie replied to whatever comment Rob made, her eyes narrowing as she drew closer to us. I winced- bad sign. "Well then, I'm _so_ sorry I'm going to my dream college!" I winced again- sarcasm, another bad sign. "Honestly Rob, I'm not that girl! I don't hold back my dreams just to be with some guy! Yes, yes you are some guy Rob. As of now you are. It's not like I can take away my application now, and there's no use whining about it! I'm _leaving_!" With that, she snapped her phone shut, and turned to use with a winning smile. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

We quickly loaded our bags into the trunk, leaving the roof of the car down. Rosalie let out a little squeal and jumped into the front seat. Seizing the initiative, I yelled. "I CALL SHOTGUN!" and ran like mad to the passenger seat. Alice grinned and danced her way to the back. As Rosalie plugged in the key, I saw her open her mouth to speak.

"I'm really gonna miss this place" She said softly, looking back at what had been our home for the past four years. The Denali Chicago School for Girls had been my home ever since my mother had decided that I was a hindrance to her new life with her new husband. It had been Alice and Rosalie's home much longer. I smiled faintly, thinking of how utterly terrified I had been to meet the two girls who were to be my roommates. Alice and I had hit it off instantly… Rosalie took longer, but still, I could hardly imagine being afraid of either of them now. Unless it involved Alice and shopping, or Rosalie and cars. Then I was very, very, very afraid.

Alice—usually the most sentimental of us all—deemed that it was no time for tears. "None of that now Rose! We're off to COLLEGE! You know what that means! Long nights, huge parties, cute guys, the works!" She grinned as she bounced in place. "ROAD TRIP!!"

I screamed in excitement along with Alice and Rosalie as the car took off down the driveway. Soon we were dancing in our seats to our favorite songs and singing at the top of our lungs. Other people stared at us as if we were on fire, but we didn't care. We were just enjoying the moment. Some people actually joined in the singing, which made me smile. There were some true characters out there…

EPOV

I sat in my silver Volvo, my fingers gently tapping the steering wheel. Emmett fiddled with the stereo beside me, trying to decide on which station would be best for our road trip. I let out a little sigh of impatience, knowing he wasn't going to find anything that I, or Jasper, agreed with. We would just have to change it again once we actually started to drive.

Emmett settled on a classic rock station, which surprised me. Usually Emmett picked something a lot… louder. Jasper and I loved classic rock, and I had the sneaking suspicion that our taste had rubbed off on him (not that he would admit it, of course). We had become firm friends over the years- all of us- and I considered him to be a brother Emmett Cullen was loud, funny, and incredibly energetic. He could cheer you up simply by smiling. Jasper Whitlock was the other, more recent addition to my make-shift family, and one of the smartest minds I have ever met. He was calmer than Emmett- not that he didn't have his moments of craziness- and he was always in control. He was the roommate you could count on to know when the dining hall opened, to remember the times of your finals as well as his, and to never be tardy to class. Except for today. Today, of all days, he was running late.

Today was the day we were heading off to college. By some grace of God, we had all been accepted into Washington University and we were going there a couple of days early to check out the campus again, and familiarize ourselves with our new quarters. Emmett had struck up an odd, but pretty agreeable, living arrangement. Instead of being in dorms, we had decided to rent out a condo that resided nearby campus. We would be sharing it with three new room mates, and splitting the rent equally. Jasper and I had looked over the documents that Emmett had accumulated, and we had all agreed it was a pretty solid deal. Now all we needed to do was get there.

Jasper came running from the building, looking slightly windblown. "Sorry!" he gasped "I was just saying a last goodbye to Mr. Banner" He tossed his luggage in the open trunk, and hopped in the back.

I nodded in understanding. Mr. Banner had been one of our favorite teachers at the school. We were all sad to leave him behind, and the other familiar things that we had known.

Emmett sighed. "I'm going to miss Angie…" he murmured.

Jasper clasped his hand on Emmett's shoulder to provide comfort. Angie was Emmett's girlfriend, and even though they had agreed to try the entire long-distance relationship, they would be going to different schools. Deep in my heart, I knew it wouldn't end up working out, but I could hardly say so. Instead I punched him on the arm.

"C'mon man! Where's your spirit! We're going to college on a road trip, how can anything be better than this!" I teased, meeting his eyes. I turned the key and started the ignition, driving my way smoothly into the road. Emmett laughed and turned the volume on the radio louder. He pumped his fist and began to bob his head in the most ridiculous manner until me and Jasper were practically in tears. He would be alright.

I floored on the acceleration to the shouts and yells of my friends. This was the start of our new life. This was the beginning of it all.

All we had to do was get there.

**The Return of the A/N: **

**Justin:** Review please!

**Tequila:** why is it that EVERYONE is always asking for reviews?? You'd think that since everyone wants them so badly, everyone would give them…

**Justin**: sadly, human nature doesn't work like that, Tequila…

**Tequila:** human nature? Who said anything about humans!? I'm a Martian, myself.

**Justin:** sigh


	2. Arrival

Stuff Happens

**Author's Note:**

**Justin**: aren't you so proud of us?! This is just, what… four days? And it's a super long chapter!

**Tequila**: yup… we're spoiling you!!

**Justin**: I'm afraid you shouldn't get your hopes up… we're on vacation, and when we go back to…school—

**Tequila**: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! NOT THAT, ANYTHING BUT THAT!!

**Justin**: yes, I know Tequila… shush, it's okay… when we go back _there_, we will likely return to our old, bad ways…

**Tequila**: what can I say—it's in my blood!! For generations, the Mockingbirds have been lazy, and I, Tequila Mockingbird, am proud to say that I am a lazy, procrastinating slug. AND PROUD OF IT, I SAY!!

**Justin**: and I'm not as good and chivvying her along as I used to be… she's catching!

**Tequila**: YAY:D

**Disclaimer:** We looked on eBay to see if we could buy the rights to Twilight…but Stephenie Meyer isn't selling:( The commercial said that whatever it was, we could find it on eBay… THEY LIED TO US!!

To: E. Cullen

From: A. Brandon

Subject: arrival

Hey! Just letting you know we should be at the house at around ten tonight… looking forward to meeting you guys!

-Al

To: A. Brandon

From: E. Cullen

Subject: RE: arrival

Sounds great... we should be there at 9:30--see ya!

-Em

To: MaryBrandonSuperMom

From: ThatPorscheIsMine

Subject: arriving:D

hey mom—we shud b the house soon, just wanted 2 let u kno we got here safely. very funny experience at diner, i'll tell u all about it l8r. luv u and dad and cynthia lots, and i'll email u again when we get settled, etc…

-ur 1 and only alice:D

Chapter Two: Arrival.

I stared out the window, watching trees flash by. Rosalie was, as usual, driving _way_ too fast. But since there was nothing I could do to control her, I'd long since learned just to sit back and relax. The fact was that I controlled the radio improved my mood considerably. I was zoning out, listening to one of my favorite bands blasted loud, when Alice tapped me on the shoulder- hard.

"Yeah?"

"I'm writing Emily Cullen another email, telling her when we're arriving… wanna read it first?" She held out her iPhone so I could read the email there.

"Umm… sure…" I read it. It seemed fine, polite, and all, "it's great, Alice."

Rose turned slightly, and asked Alice "So, who are these girls, anyway?"

Alice frowned slightly. "All I know for sure is a girl named Emily Cullen, and her friend Jasmine. I'm assuming one other girl, but I don't know her name yet."

"Okay." Rosalie turned her attention back to the road. We passed a sign informing us that a rest stop was only ten miles away. "Ooh… do you guys want to stop and grab something to eat? I was so busy packing I forgot to get breakfast."

"Sure!" Alice piped up from the backseat. I nodded agreement, and Rosalie took the turn out onto the exit. It would be a long day of driving even at the speeds Rose preferred—nearly sixteen hours—so we had started as early as we could bear to, and were planning to arrive at about ten tonight.We halted at a gas station and restaurant. Rosalie stayed to fill up the BMW and park her baby where she was sure it would be safe and cool in the shade, and Alice and I went in to order. It was the average rest stop diner, small and slightly dingy. We found a table for four, and slid into the seats. I leaned down to dump my bag and giggled. Alice's feet wouldn't have reached the ground, if it wasn't for the four inch stilettos she had on. She glared at me when she saw the direction of my eyes.

"Be silent or I will take you shoe shopping, and believe me—four inch heels will be the least of your problems."

I paled. My complete lack of any type of coordination meant that my options were flats or a cast. Shopping with Alice was traumatizing enough without bringing shoes into the bargain. Luckily, I was saved by the waiter.

"Hello, ladies, allow me to welcome you to the Happy Eats Home Cooked House!"

I blinked. Twice. He was short, with coal black hair, oily skin, and a rainbow beanie hat -complete with propeller- perched on top of this head. "Um. Hi. Could we see a menu, please?" He placed one in front of Alice, then me. I smiled nervously. "Our friend is parking the car—she'll be here in a moment."

He nodded, and grinned at us. "I'm Brother Eric, and I'll be your Personal Eating Consultant today."

I blinked again, and tossed a glance across the table to Alice. I saw she was trying to restrain a laugh, and answered for both of us. "Thanks?"

"No trouble at all, miss! Just call and I'll be right over, quick as a wink! Faster than you can say, 'Happy Eats Home Cooked House is the only dining establishment for me!' I'll be right by your side, ready and willing to assist you in your Comestible Consumption Choices for the day!"

I suppressed a look of horror when he grinned at me again and I realized he wore braces. With hot pink and orange rubber bands. What was he, twelve? He finally left, and Alice collapsed into helpless giggles.

"Did you… see…" she gasped for breath, "the braces?" I nodded, and started to laugh myself. She was infectious. "It looked…" she continued, "like he puked up the rainbow!"

I agreed, "And it landed on his head!"

And so, when Rosalie walked into the diner, she saw Alice and me laughing so hard we could barely speak. She was, in fact, just in time to catch me as I half slid out of my chair.

"Did Carlos Mencia just come through here and I missed it, or what?"

"Waiter…" was all I managed to get out through another fit of laughter.

"No… not waiter," Alice admonished me, trying to be stern and only managing ridiculous, "'Personal Eating Consultant'," Rosalie began to laugh as well. "Fully qualified to assist with our 'Comestible Consumption Choices!'"

Rose collapsed into one of the empty seats, now laughing as hard as we were. "You're not… serious?" she managed to choke out.

"Just wait and see," I warned. I could see our 'Personal Eating Consultant' making a beeline for our table, carrying another menu for Rosalie.

"Hello miss, and allow me to humbly welcome you to Happy Eats Home Cooked House, and I'm Eric, your—"

"Personal Eating Consultant," she finished for him, sending him the patented Rosalie Hale Glamour Glance, guaranteed to make any male between the ages of eight and eighty go weak at the knees. Eric, it seemed, was no exception. "I've heard so much about you." She reached out and took the menu from his suddenly limp grasp. "I think we can take it from here—you can come back in a minute to take my order, but I know we'll be wanting two—" she threw and inquiring glance to Alice, who nodded, "make that three Coca Colas. Thanks!" And she beamed him right back across the room. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him practically faint as Rose took off her sweater, revealing her tight Denali Boarding School T-shirt underneath.

As soon as he was safely out of earshot, we all collapsed back into mirth. We finally sobered up enough to look over the menu, which seemed to be fairly ordinary diner fare, with the exception that their specialties had large smiley faces hand drawn next to them, and that they didn't serve hamburgers. The only option I could find were 'Happiness Burgers, with a ketchup smiley face hand squeezed on the patty just for you, from the kitchen with love'. This place was starting to scare me.

None of us ended up 'rejoicing in the experience' of a Happiness Burger: Rosalie ordered a Caesar Salad and Alice and I decided to share the Friendly Breakfast Pancake Special—it came complete with strawberries, blueberries, and a smiley face in syrup. It was too strange to resist, and we'd hurried through breakfast in our eagerness to get on the road. Before we could order though, we had to suffer through an extremely thorough recitation of the Daily Specials, or 'Joy de Jour'. These included Ecstasy Eggs, (I pretended not to hear Rosalie mutter under her breath, "With real Ecstasy? Is that what you're on?") Wonder Waffles, and today's Super Sandwich Special- ham and cheese 'lovingly laid' on rye bread spread with mayonnaise. When we were finally finished ordering, Brother' Eric went away again, leaving us to chortle amongst ourselves in peace.

The food was fine, although I felt a bit guilty about eating pancakes with a face—it just seemed wrong. Before we left though, Alice insisted in taking a picture with Eric, so we would "never forget our beautiful Happy Eats Home Cooked House experience!" The fact that she managed to get that out with a straight face astounded me. Rosalie utterly refused to be included, but Alice dragged me into the shot at the last second. She then asked if she could get a hat. Unfortunately, not only were they available at the gift shop, but you could get your name embroidered in them for a small additional fee. She got one for each of us, ignoring our loud protests.

"But Alice! Where will you actually wear it?" was my final argument. It was hideous; although, knowing Alice, she would manage to pull it off- propeller and all.

"I won't wear it, silly. I just want the memory!"

Rosalie sighed. "Well, at least it goes with everything equally well..."

Alice grinned a reply, "That's the spirit!"

When we had dragged Alice away (luckily, before she caught sight of the tee-shirts) to the car and buckled her in, ignoring her loud protests. Rosalie gunned the engine and we burned rubber back onto the highway.

**EPOV:**

The music was still pumping, I was still driving, Jasper was still quiet, and Emmett was still being a moron. We had been driving for nearly eleven hours, and we would still have a ways to go. A road trip sounded great… but I was beginning to be bored. There were still a good three hours to go till we arrived at Washington University in Spokane.

Emmett's BlackBerry began vibrating on the dashboard, distracting him from his previous activity of sticking his head out of the window like a dog. I let out a slow sigh of relief. Not that I would show it, but I had been worried a truck would come passing by and carry Emmett's head right off. But the roads had remained clear, and I was able to drive at my preferred speed- way over the cautioned limit.

"It's another email from Al." He noted, studying it carefully while typing out a reply. "He says they'll be there soon. We'll probably arrive a little earlier though."

I replied to him with a nod, not taking my eyes off the road. "Sounds good to me" I murmured. In fact, it did. In a way I was glad we could scope out the place before these other guys got there. After all, we didn't know who they were, or how they acted, or if they were even tolerable. All we had to go off on was a few emails. I pushed these thoughts to the back of my mind- I needed to pay attention to the road ahead of me. Anyway, if worst came to worst, we could just stay in opposite ends of the house. There really was nothing to worry about.

Jasper sighed and shifted around in the back, fidgeting nervously. I peered at him through the rear-view mirror suspiciously. On car rides, Jasper was either always quietly staring out the window or acting just as loud as Emmett. This action was new.

"Please tell me you didn't forget something." I remarked sarcastically, my green eyes meeting his in the mirror. I don't think I could have taken it if I had to go all the way back.

Jasper shook his head. "It's not that, it's…" He paused as a new song joined in the one playing from the radio.

_Just because she feeds me well and she made me talk dirty in a pink hotel…_

I groaned as I reached for my phone. Why did she have to be calling me _now?_ Just why? I held the phone undecidedly in my hand, still unsure whether to answer or let it go to voicemail and call her back. Could I drive and deal with her at the same time? That is the question…

_Doesn't mean she's got eyes for me- she might just want my bones you see_

_Hey flathead don't you get mean…_

"Just answer it Edward." Emmett advised, eyes serious.

"Do I have to?" I asked, sounding exactly like a three-year old.

"Yes." He replied, eyes sparkling with a glint of amusement. "For one thing, you're interrupting my favorite song. For another, she'll only flip out if you leave it for later."

I sighed- he was right. Gingerly I stared at the phone, willing for the Caller ID to deny what I knew to be true.

_She's the second best killer I ever have seen. _

I let out another resigned sigh, flipping the phone up and bringing it to my ear. "Hey Tanya."

"Edward! Baby! Why didn't you call me? You know I wanted to say goodbye!" Her voice was borderline whiney.

I gave a gentle sigh. Tanya _was_ sweet, and kind, and gentle. But she was just so… clingy. Almost desperate. She was always insecure, I needed to mind my words so much when I was around her, I couldn't actually say what I wanted to say. I needed to convert it into something that was much more…. delicate.

"Babe, we said good-bye last- yesterday" I reminded her carefully. If I said 'last night' she might think I was only in it for her body… I heaved a huge mental sigh.

"Yeah, I know, but I just miss you so much! And I don't know what's going on over there or what's happening!" She shot out the reply like a speeding bullet.

"Honey, you'll just have to trust me." I murmured my reply, my mind half on the task- the other half was on the road in front of me.

"I know, but, you didn't call at 2:00, and you always call at 2:00…." She trailed off. Meanwhile I looked at my wrist-watch. It was 2:06.

"You have got to be kidding!" I said in exasperation, the exact same time as she added on-

"I miss you already, you know? Do you miss me?"

"Of course I miss you!" I tacked it on, hoping it sounded smooth enough to be a reply to her question. I replayed it in my mind… it sounded passable. I ignored the nearby chuckles from Emmett and Jasper- weren't they supportive?

"Aww…Thanks Edward, I needed to hear that." It sounded like she was smiling.

"You welcome- listen, I gotta go, ok? I'm the designated driver and you know what they say about cell phone usage…"

"But we hardly talked at all!! And I miss you so much! Please don't leave me…"

_I'm already gone, though._ "I'm very sorry Tanya." I replied patiently. "How about this? I'll call you again when I arrive- deal?"

"Okay! How long until you get there?"

_Don't you have other things to do besides wait for me?? _I was practically screaming at her in my head. Why did she have to ask so many questions?

"I don't know, soon. Don't worry. I'll call you later, bye."

I hung up before she had time to reply. Sliding my phone back into my pocket I saw Jasper and Emmett share a look, but I beat them too the punch.

"Don't. Even. Say. It." I warned "Or I'll lock your doors and windows and spray the entire bottle of cologne Tanya bought me into this car!!"

Emmett let out a booming laugh "Oh, please Edward, as if you would. If you did that, the stench would stay in the car permanently. You might never get it out!"

Jasper chuckled "Besides, it's too expensive to use on the likes of us."

I let out a low growl. Why, oh why, did these people have to know me so well? My threats had become ineffective! I was still contemplating actually doing it, however, but Jasper raised a good point. I let out a sigh of defeat, and let the subject drop. There really wasn't any purpose to threatening them anyway—they were all the family I had.

I had never known my father, and I was very young when my mom died- only about five or six. I had been sent to my god-parents' house to live, for which I have been eternally grateful. My god-parents had been my mom's best friends- Esme and Carlisle Cullen. Emmett was their son, and we had already been pretty good friends. Carlisle and Esme took me in as if I were one of their own. I had everything I asked, and I tried not to ask for much. They even gave me the things too valuable to be bought. Love, acceptance, a family. I came to think of them as my parents, and all of us grew even closer.

Since Carlisle was always traveling (as one of the premier heart surgeons in America, he was in demand at medical conferences across the globe) Emmett and myself had been placed in a boarding school in our hometown of Chicago. That way, when Carlisle and Esme were in town, they could visit easily.

At boarding school we met Jasper Whitlock- our new roommate. He was very shy at first- due to his family troubles and abusive past. He didn't know if he could trust us. It had been hard to earn his trust, but it had definitely been worth it. To put it simply, Jasper was a good person. He would do all he could to make you feel better, and to find solutions to any problem. The three of us became best friends, and the rest, as they say, is history.

"Take the turn up ahead." Emmett called out, looking at a map in his lap, and the circled address. "We'll be there soon."

I grunted in acknowledgement, and slid my car smoothly into the turn. Soon… soon we'd start college. Soon we'd start the rest of our lives. Soon, soon…

With the music still blasting obnoxiously from our car, we pulled up in front of our new home. The outside looked good so far- there was a small patio and a sturdy door. Right now there was a note on the door, which I was anxious to read. However, there was stuff that needed to be taken care of first.

"We're here guys!" Emmett stated the obvious in an excited whisper. His eyes were rounded in awe, as if he couldn't believe that this moment was happening. Jasper bore a similar expression, though by the slight squint of his eyes I could tell that he had spotted the note as well.

"Can you believe it?" I wondered out loud, still over coming the new feeling welling up inside of me. I felt…different. Almost more mature. I had- we all had- worked damn hard to get here. I thought I was happy when the acceptance letters came in, but it was nothing to what I was feeling now. Now I was actually _here_. Physically standing here. It was unbelievable.

"Come on guys! Let's check it out!" Even quiet Jasper was excited. He grabbed the keys from me and sauntered his way over to the trunk of my precious silver Volvo. Opening it up, we took out our baggage and made our way to the condo. I caught a glimpse inside through the window. The view made me stop right in my tracks, causing Emmett and Jasper to crash into me. Two words came to mind as I saw the room that stood before us.

Holy Hell.

**BPOV:**

Alice sat in the back seat, humming quietly to herself. When at least a full minute had gone by without her speaking up, I began to get nervous. With Alice Brandon, no new is definitely bad news. She's only quiet when she's asleep, concentrating, or plotting something nefarious. I twisted around in my seat so I could see her—she was frowning slightly over brightly colored cards she had laid out on the backseat next to her. I sighed quietly in relief. Tarot.

Alice was a firm believer in the supernatural, paranormal, and eerie. She was, as even extremely grounded Rosalie admitted, uncannily good at predicting things—we called her our little psychic. She read tarot, palms, tea leaves, and even ancient runes, when she was in the mood (she would only read runes for important things, though: she said it irritated them to be bothered over trivial matters). She was likely doing a tarot spread on our new circumstances.

"So, psychic wonder, what do the cards say? Are you doing a Major or Minor spread?"

"Major… and I'm not really sure. I'm getting Death, the Magician inverted, the Chariot, the Hermit, and Wheel of Fortune…"

"What just a moment," Rose interjected, sounding faintly alarmed, "death?!"

Alice sighed. "Don't worry… that doesn't mean anyone's going to die… it represents a major change. The end of one period and beginning of another."

"Like… going to college?" I asked.

"Yeah, most likely. That one makes sense, but the others… the inverted Magician is confusion or betrayal," I gulped. "The Chariot is difficult decisions, the Hermit innocence, and the Wheel of Fortune good luck and opportunity. I think. But there are so many interpretations, it's hard."

I nodded sympathetically. Good luck, that sounded… good. I could deal with innocence… it was the difficult decisions and betrayal that bothered me. I shook of my unease. It was a bunch of cards—I shouldn't let it ruin my day.

"The next exit! Take the next exit!" I shouted at Rosalie over the blaring music that poured from the radio, and Alice's singing.

Rosalie nodded, signaling that she heard me. "Alice! Quit bouncing around back there! You're distracting me!"

Alice did one last wriggle before settling down. "I just can't believe we are almost there!" She let out a high-pitched squeal, and settled back down.

Twenty minutes later (it would have been less, but we got a bit lost once we were in town), Alice shoved herself into the space between the driver's seat and the passenger's seat. She pointed ahead with her finger. "There it is! And look, Emily and her friends have already arrived!"

That was true, there was a shiny silver Volvo sitting silently on the darkening street- right in front of the condo. It appeared to be empty, hinting that our new roomies were already inside. I breathed an uneasy sigh. I felt nervous, and the tarot card of betrayal and confusion was still fresh in my mind. Before I could voice my fears, however, Alice was already up and running.

"C'mon guys, let's check the place out!" Alice squealed as she leaped out of the car. Laughing, Rosalie went to join her as she ran to the door. I shut the car down behind me and hurried to catch up. They paused at the door, examining a note that had been left there. Luckily, there was a streetlight nearby, because it was getting dark, and fast.

_Hey guys,_

_I'm sorry I couldn't be there to show you around your new home! That being said, I'm sure you'll love it and won't need me much anyway. I hope you have a great time in your new condo._

_Your New Landlord,_

_Heather_

_P.S. You guys already paid the rent._

I shared a look of confusion with Alice and Rosalie. We knew we already paid the first month's rent; we had to before coming here. Why was she reminding us now? I gave a mental shrug, and reached for the door knob. It snapped off in my hand.

"What the hell? I didn't push to hard or anything, I swear! It just came off!" I exclaimed, my eyes widening in confusion as I looked from Alice to Rose and back again. They looked equally as bewildered as I was.

"Girls, we need to see something… and I doubt it will be pretty" Rosalie said grimly, grabbing our hands and towing us to a fairly large glass window to the right of the door. What we saw there made us gasp in unison.

"Oh my god! This place is such a dump!" Alice shouted in distress, her eyes showing her hurt.

"And what gives you the right to say that?" spat a smooth voice from behind us. I whirled around, completely alarmed. Standing before us, with his arms crossed tightly over his chest, was one of the most gorgeous members of the male species that I had ever laid eyes upon. He had bright green eyes, messy auburn hair, and the perfect build- lean, yet still muscular. He seemed to be about 5'10", and currently his green eyes were smoldering. There was another gorgeous guy next to him. He was incredibly tall and thick- every inch of him was composed of pure muscle. His deep brown eyes were also scorching, and he matched the previous boy stance. Both of them were glaring at us with malice. _If looks could kill…_

"Just look at this place! It's awful!" Rosalie sneered in reply, gesturing towards the window that provided us with a dim view of… something. Something that _might_ have been a living room at one time in the long distant past. Now it looked more like a demolition site. "Besides, my right is written in the constitution under FREE SPEECH! I can say whatever I want!"

It was clear that she was angry. I was starting to feel pretty angry myself. Who the hell were these people? Why were they hanging around us anyway? I averted my gaze from the force of their glares, trailing it over to the silver Volvo. It was a beautiful car- except for the bumper stickers plastered on. They bore the logo for Volterra High School. My eyes snapped to the man with the green eyes, glaring at him with all I could muster. People from Volterra were jerks who only wanted to "have fun". Basically, that was there excuse to use as many women as possible without blaming themselves for all the heartache they caused.

Rosalie and the muscular guy were having some sort of intense staring match. Even from this distance they were leaning slightly towards each other, their stares never leaving each others eyes. The boy seemed at a loss for words, as if he couldn't believe that Rose was actually resisting his 'oh so tough' gaze. Finally, he pulled himself together and spoke up.

"'Whatever you want'? That's how you guys always think, isn't it!" He shot back with ferocity unable to be put to words. "Yeah, I know just how you… you… you _monsters_ from Denali High School think. You think you own everything, that you're better than everyone, that the world should lay themselves down at your feet in front of you! Well guess what, _princess_, you may have the right to free speech but breaking and entering is a crime! So go tell your little friend there to give me my door knob back, and get the hell away from here!"

"Breaking and entering?" I snarled. That door knob comment had really struck me hard. "How can we be breaking and entering when we own the place? You guys are the ones trespassing! So _you_ get the hell away from here! Besides, you _idiots_ from Volterra are all the same! You're all arrogant, unintelligent, uncouth, vulgar, imbeciles."

At the end of my tirade, the guys were looking significantly angrier, and slightly more confused. A soft pattering of footsteps warned me in advance to the approach of someone else. A third man rounded the corner. He was leaner and slighter than the other two, with windblown blonde hair and light hazel eyes. There was a slight frown on his face as he came up to the scene of the battle. The frown did nothing to impair his beauty- I was starting to believe these guys weren't from the Volterra School at all. Boys from there were always disgustingly ugly. Honestly, there was only one thing going through my mind at this point: _There are more of them?!_

"What's going on?" He asked in a melodic voice, his eyes focusing on his friends, then to me, then to Rose, then to Alice- where it stayed.

Alice let out another small gasp and moved over to him. It looked like she was in some sort of dream-like state or trance, her gaze never left his face. Little Alice, who had been uncharacteristically silent, remained so. Soon she was standing less than a foot away from him. She stayed still there, and if it weren't for the total seriousness of the moment it would have been slightly funny. Alice didn't even come up to his shoulder.

The man smiled slightly, looking down at her with all the gentleness in the world. "You've kept me waiting a long time" he said quietly. His voice was deep and warm.

Alice ducked her head. "I'm sorry sir." She replied, just as quietly.

And they stood there, gazing at each other for what could have seconds, days, or an eternity. Four sets of extremely disbelieving eyes stared at them, before a cell phone broke the tension.

"Hey sweetie," the tallest one said "I'll call you later, ok? There's a bit of confusion going on over here. Alright, talk to you later. Miss you too."

When he spoke to Rose, the fierceness of his attack had not lessened. If anything, it had increased.

"What does she mean you own the place?! We're the ones who paid the rent!"

"You know, 'she' can speak for herself" I muttered, not sure if he heard me.

Rosalie glared back, opening her mouth to retaliate. But before she could say a word, Alice was in the fray.

"No you don't!" She hissed "we did! We're splitting the rent and house with Emily Cullen and her friends!"

The guys all shared a look of alarm.

"I don't know who you mean by Emily Cullen" The big one replied in a slow drawl, as if we were all six. "But I'm Emmett Cullen, and _we_ are splitting the rent with Al Brandon and his two friends!"

Alice had gone dead white, and Rosalie had placed a hand on her head as if she had a huge migraine.

"Tell me you didn't" she said, glancing over at Alice.

"I did." She answered, staring off into space as if seeing unimaginable horrors.

Man was I lost… Rosalie groaned loudly. "I can't believe this… we have to share this place with these assholes. Emmett Cullen, meet Alice Brandon" She said with an ironic smirk and a gesture. "It has definitely not been a pleasure meeting you."

"Likewise I'm sure!" he growled back. "Seriously, what girl signs their name 'Al' at the end of emails?"

"And what boy signs their name 'Em'?" I retorted.

"The kind of guy who doesn't have a lot of time on his hands because he's _working_" replied the green eyed male. "Not that any of you ditzes would understand that."

I saw Rose take a deep breath, preparing to retaliate, but the blonde man beside Alice spoke first.

"People! Would you stop! We don't even know each other yet and we are already arguing! Could we at least step inside first?" He pleaded.

Rosalie let out a low rumble that sounded like a mixture between a growl and a hiss. "I'm not setting a foot inside that dump while any of you are here."

The blonde's eyes blazed with anger. "No wonder your school has such a bad reputation. If every girl in there is as pig-headed and moronic as you, then I'm not surprised everyone hates you!"

Alice and Rosalie whirled upon him, but before anything could happen I let out a scream.

"GUYS! CHILL! Could we at least get each others _names_ so we could argue properly?"

The gorgeous guy with the green eyes looked like I had made him swallow a lemon whole. Emmett looked on indifferently- I suspected because we already knew his name. Jasper looked incredulous while Rose was smiling fiercely, as if daring them to make the first move. No one said anything.

With a sigh I continued. "Now, everyone knows Alice Brandon, and Emmett Cullen. I'm Isabella Swan, but I'd prefer it if you called me Bella."

"Okay _Isa_bella" replied Green Eyes, with a crooked grin. I clenched my fists—doing that intentionally was just stupid and low. "I'm Edward Masen."

"Masen? Like a stone mason?" Rosalie said with a smirk. "That'll be easy to remember, you look like someone who's been inhaling too much rock dust. And I'm Rosalie Lillian Hale, and like I said earlier, I am not at all pleased to make your acquaintance."

"Jasper Whitlock" said Blondie simply, his eyes only focused on Alice's.

Emmett sighed hugely. But then, he probably did everything hugely. "Well… we probably should have checked up some more—"

"You think?" Edward muttered. Jerk.

"Hey! It's not his fault!" I didn't like seeing Emmett look so upset… if they were really friends, Edward should chill. Edward should generally chill. In fact, Edward should jump of a bridge. "The Washington University Living Assistance Board should have done a more thorough check up before putting us in touch with each other… all we're" I nodded at Emmett to make it clear I meant all of us, "guilty of is jumping to conclusions. And to be fair" I grinned ruefully, "It's half our fault too."

"You bet it is."

"God, Eddie, take a chill pill, okay?" Emmett rounded on his friend. "We're stuck with this, right? It's too late to sign up for dorms... and we've already paid rent."

"If anyone's going to be blamed… it's this _Heather _person," Rosalie muttered darkly. I would not want to be our landlady right now. "That… that… _bitch_ set us up! If I get my hands on her… let's just say I'll be giving the Spokane Emergency Room some good business."

Edward grinned sardonically. I tried very hard not to notice the fact that this made him, if possible, even more beautiful than before. "I like the way you think."

I looked around—it was getting really dark. A quick glance at my watch showed that it was approaching ten o'clock.

"Look, you guys, it's getting really late… we can try and figure something out in the morning, but for now," I gestured grandly towards the door, "home beckons."

We all nodded reluctantly. Jasper grabbed Alice's bags, and gestured for her to go ahead. She smiled at him brightly and went to the doorway, where she seemed at a bit of a loss. I frowned and went beside her to see why she was taking so long after getting my bags from the car. "Oh!" I exclaimed, looking dumbly at my hand. "Sorry Alice!" I inserted the door knob which I still held into its former position and twisted. Nothing happened. We were stuck outside.

That was the last straw for Rosalie Lillian Hale. Walking right up to the door, without even pausing to remove her heels, she slammed her foot right into the wood like in one of those detective shows. The door opened with a slam and she grinned triumphantly. Alice let out a low whistle of appreciation and Rosalie took a mocking bow.

"Shall we ladies?" She requested, flipping her hair and seizing her bags as she made her way inside. Alice walked through the doorway after, and as I followed her, weighted down with all my bags, I heard her mutter, "The Inverted Magician."

Oh, damn.

High school had not prepared me for this.

**Another A/N, because the first one **_**just wasn't enough**_

**Justin**: we would like to say THANK YOU to all the awesome people who have reviewed… this is the most reviews we've ever gotten for one chapter… not to mention the alerts and favorites…

**Tequila**: you're all wonderful, and filled with HADDOCK!!

**Justin**: by the way, that's a compliment… trust me…


	3. Sanctuary?

Stuff Happens

**more of a filler chapter, not as much comedy, but still very necessary!**

**Author's Note:**

**Tequila:** Edward Cullen is the only guy for me. Ever.

**Justin: **but, Tequila, come on... you need to be less picky.

**Tequila:** I'M NOT PICKY!! I'd be perfectly happy to live happily ever after with any number of guys...

**Justin**: like who??

**Tequila**: Lord Peter Death Bredon Wimsey (courtesy of Dorothy Sayers), Herald-Mage Vanyel Ashkevron (courtesy of Mercedes Lackey), Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy (courtesy of Jane Austin), Briar Moss (courtesy of Tamora Pierce), King Eugenides Atollis (courtesy of Megan Turner), Rath Roiben Rye (courtesy of Holly Black), Dylan Hart (courtesy of Tara Janzen), Lord Tristan Dare (courtesy of Suzanne Enoch), or Zane Cobriana (courtesy of Amelia Atwater-Rhodes).

**Justin**: Tequila, those guys are all FICTIONAL. Real guys, if you please.

**Tequila**: FINE!! Um... Kit Marlowe, Sir Francis Drake, William the Conqueror, Orville Wright, William Shakespeare, Robin Hood, or John Donne.

**Justin**: real, LIVING guys, goodness, Tequila!

**Tequila**: gosh, you say I'M picky... wait! I got it! George Clooney, Jonas Armstrong, Harrison Ford, or Sean Connery. There! Real, living guys... are you happy now?

**Justin**: --sigh--

**Disclaimer:** WAIT!! You mean we're not Stephenie Meyer?! Shucks…

* * *

To: Angelgirl

From: BoxersOrBriefs

Subject: missing u…

halloo angie baby… i miss u alredy, esp. since the ppl we're sharing this dump (yea, turns out we were screwed by our real estate dude—it's falling to bits:( it completely sux) w/ r girls from the DENALI skool, stupid stuk up rich bs… so it looks like u got the better end of the stick, huh? well, im hoping to hear from u soon, i gotta keep up 2 date on all the stupid stuff that ben and tony have been getting up to, rite?

-missing u, always, em

* * *

To: BoxersOrBriefs

From: Angelgirl

Subject: RE: missing u…

hey emmett, im really sry the house turned out so screwed up (every1 knos the girls from the denali skool r horrible), and i hope stuff has improved since ur email… life's really kinda boring back here in the windy city… ben and tony are being morons as per usual, but nothing really extreme since tony went up to this girl at a bar (u kno, the really cute place on west adams street, the whiskey blue? we went there, but i was kinda the 5th wheel, w/out u… ) and tried out 1 uv his dumb pick up lines, and she socked him in the mouth:D i about died laughing… missing u 2!!

-angie

* * *

Chapter Three: Sanctuary?

**BPOV**

Good Lord. This place really was a dump. We were standing in a large, mostly empty room—a living and dining area that extended ahead of us and to the right all the way to the end of the condo. It was in…interesting… shape. There was a giant hole in the floor directly to our right with a two-by-four the only bridge to the other side of the room, and what I assumed was the south facing doorway to the kitchen. The front door was on the north wall, and we were looking straight ahead into a bathroom that opened off the living room. I stepped forward, and flinched as the floor groaned slightly beneath my feet. This totally sucked. Alice and Jasper were already following a hallway ahead and to the left, out of sight. I opened a door immediately left of me. It was a single bedroom, in remarkably good (for this place) shape—a bed, east facing window, and vanity. I dumped my suitcases immediately. This might be the only livable room in the house.

"Wow!" Alice's voice seemed to be coming from the south—another room down that hall? I stepped back into the living room and walked left, and then east, until I stood outside the doorway of what had to be the master bedroom. A giant chandelier, obviously dangerously unstable, hung above the huge double bed. A private bathroom ahead confirmed my suspicions. The source of Alice's lust was the chandelier—even I had to admit it was gorgeous, and I didn't go in for Victorian-style opulence. She did. It was a behemoth, shining and outsized. But the way it tilted meant this room would definitely not be safe to sleep in any time soon.

There was a hole in the west wall, the one leading to the rest of the house. I bent down and peered through it—another bedroom, this one with two twin beds. Unfortunately, the ceiling had fallen in, and they were both covered with plaster. I may have been uncomfortably accurate with my assessment of the bedroom space.

I came back out of the master bedroom, passing Alice, still locked in rapt appreciation of the chandelier, and went back out into the living room. Since I did not want to brave the two-by-four, I stepped into the bathroom, noting it had a bathtub and sink. It was a 'Jack and Jill' style room, with another door leading directly into the room with the twin beds I had glimpsed earlier. Luckily, there was another door on the west wall, and I turned right and exited the ruined bedchamber.

I came out into another hallway, this one much shorter, and opening onto the kitchen on the north end. Straight ahead was another bedroom—I stuck my head in and saw it was a single as well—a smaller bed, and a dresser instead of a vanity. I had made the right choice! Jasper and Rosalie were inspecting opposite sides of this room, and Jasper's bags were already dumped on the bed. Rosalie looked unhappy.

"Rose—I looked around, and the master bedroom and the one with the twin beds—right back here," I gestured behind me, across the hall, "are clearly unsafe. The boys can stay here and we can all share the other room, alright?"

She nodded, obviously even less eager than I was to spend time in the boy's proximity. This, at least, put us on opposite ends of the house. Rose and I stuck our heads briefly into the kitchen (old-fashioned range, cupboards, and a grimy sink) and went back through the bathroom into the room I was already thinking of as ours. She'd dumped her bags right by the front door, and she retrieved them and lugged them into the bedroom. The other two boys were still hauling stuff out of the trunk of the Volvo.

"Not bad…" Rose murmured, looking around, "bigger than the other livable room, and with a nice big window…" she grinned. "Bella, I'm impressed."

I laughed. "But there's only one bed… you brought your own mattress, but we're still a bed short. That is, if we can ever drag Alice away from that chandelier!"

She frowned for a moment. "The mattresses in the other two rooms should still work, right? We can grab those."

I nodded. That should work. We trotted out of the room and left around the corner. Alice was still awestruck by the big lummox of a lamp.

"Earth to Alice! Grab that mattress, okay?"

She nodded. "For me to sleep on, right?"

That girl was spooky sometimes. "Yeah—Rosalie and I will get the other ones." We went through the bathroom into the twin-bed-room. One of the mattresses was disgusting: moldy and covered in dust. The other one was quite passable, though—still mostly dry, although there were no sheets. We both picked up one end and brought it into 'our' room, then Rose went to help Alice while I set up her bed. Rosalie always brought her own sheets, pillow, and an air mattress, saying she wouldn't trust the quality at whichever hotel we chose. How right she had been this time! I plugged in the mattress and it began to quietly inflate. Luckily there was still electricity. I had a horrible thought. Did the plumbing even work? Were the pipes all ruined? Did we even have water??

I ran out into the bathroom, passing Alice and Rosalie hauling the mattress into our room, and turned on the tap. Water gushed out. I heaved a sigh. That would have been horrible! As I returned to the foyer, Emmett was carrying his baggage in. He tripped over the lintel and cursed, dropping a duffel.

"Here," I said, grabbing the bag, "let me take this one. You've got enough to carry." He nodded his thanks, and I walked through the bathroom, ruined room, and into the boy's room, where Jasper was unpacking. I set the duffel bag down. "There you go."

Emmett smiled. "Thanks, Bella."

When I came back to our room, Alice and Rosalie had managed to get Rose's mattress and the clean twin-sized mattress on top of the queen-sized one, and were fitting the sheets on. I frowned. I hadn't seen any sheets anywhere. There was a closet, in the southeast corner of our room, and I walked over and opened the door. Shelves. No sheets.

"Gaaah… Rose, you didn't happen to bring an extra set of sheets, did you?"

"Nope, sorry," she swept her loose hair behind her left ear. "I didn't even bring a second set of blankets—or another top-sheet…"

Alice was pouting, probably because she was the one who would have to sleep without covers. I scowled. There was absolutely no way I was sleeping on this mattress without sheets. Absolutely no way. And since it was—I glanced down at my watch—10:23, I highly doubted there were any stores still open. Not here, at least. So I would have to find sheets within the house. I left the safe haven of our room and stuck my head into first the master bedroom's closet (which backed onto ours) and then armoire next to the huge bed. Nothing. I paused for about a minute, admiring the chandelier—it really was absolutely wonderfully too much. I next made my way into the room with the twin beds—and hit jackpot. The closet on the western wall connected to the room the boys were using, and was stacked full of sheets, towels, blankets and pillowcases. I grabbed a set of fitted sheets, two top-sheets, three blankets (the cold went straight through to my bones) and was reaching for the pillowcases when a hand blocked my arm. I looked up into the most gorgeous pair of green eyes I have ever seen.

"What," Edward hissed, "are you doing in _our_ closet?"

"I am getting sheets from a closet that we paid for too." I glared right back at him. I didn't care that his face made me want to faint. These sheets were just as much ours as they were theirs.

"You already took all of the mattresses—"

"Two! We took two!"

"Oh, right… you just accidentally on purpose took the only two usable mattresses in the house!" He actually had the nerve to smirk at me.

"First come, first served," I smirked right back at him. Two can play at that game, mister I'm-so-inhumanly-attractive-I-probably-get-away-with-everything.

"If you want to play it that way…" he scowled.

I didn't dignify that with a response. I grabbed the pillowcases, and some towels, and stormed back to our room. I was muttering so furiously when I entered that both Rose and Alice looked up in surprise. I was usually calmer than this, but something about that… that pig got on my last nerve. I handed Rosalie the extra sheets, blankets, and pillow case. She smiled her thanks and began to make up the second mattress.

The bed thumped a bit when I sat on it. I didn't move for a long moment, too upset to start making up my bed. This was not what I wanted my college experience to be. Stuck in a falling-down house with Volterra boys, and most likely no heat to speak of. I sighed. At least it was still warm, although it would in all likelihood get colder at night—I had looked up Spokane before we left home, and the temperature had been hovering in the mid-sixties all week. A bit colder than back home, but Chicago received about three more inches of rain each September, so I supposed it would even out.

Thinking about the weather was not going to get the bed ready, so with another sigh I stood and got to work.

**EPOV**

This was an unremitting disaster. Jasper was going all googly-eyed over the short one—Alice—leaving Emmett and I to carry all of the stuff into the house. If I could even call it that. To be officially termed a house, didn't there have to be a working stove, running water, electricity, and at least one bedroom and bathroom? Or something like that? I reached down into the trunk and grabbed the last of the bags. Lord. What was Emmett traveling with, rocks? All I needed were my clothes, my CDs, and my stereo. Esme had offered to ship up some of our furniture from Chicago, but Emmett and I had declined. We might have to rethink that offer, depending on what awaited us inside. Jasper traveled lighter than either of us—he hadn't gone home after graduating, crashing on the floor in my room for the summer. I didn't blame him. I didn't know exactly what was going on with his family, but I'd seen the scars that covered his upper body, and I didn't want to pry. Suffice to say that he'd always, in the five years I'd known him, stayed at school or with us over the holidays. Always.

I heard Emmett stumble in the hallway as I paused to lock up my precious Volvo. It was pretty conspicuous, standing in the driveway next to that flashy BMW. I would reluctantly admit that that was a truly stunning car. I wondered absently which of the spoiled rich girls we were stuck sharing a house with owned it. My money was on the blonde. She had been driving, and she had the look of someone who knew their way around a car. She also had a quick wit, I acknowledged with a rueful grin. I shouldered the bag, and hauled it into the house. It really was a dump in here—almost as bad as it had looked from the windows. There was a plank set up to bridge the gap in the floor of this mammoth room, obviously stretching nearly the entire length of the house. I stuck my head into the room to my left, and was glared at by Alice and the blonde—what was her name? Rosie? I gave a quick retreat. I heard the faint familiar sounds of Emmett cursing somewhere to the right, and I quickly traversed the plank bridge to the other side of the room. There was a door in the south wall, leading to a dingy kitchen. I walked through this room and out into a small hallway, with a door on either side. The one on the left was obviously a mess, and Emmett and Jasper were unpacking in the room on my right. I walked in and dumped the bag with a groan.

"Hey Edward." Jasper was fitting sheets onto the single bed that stood in the far corner of the room. I glanced around.

"Great…" it looked like Emmett and I would be sleeping on the floor. Damn.

"Where are we supposed to sleep?"

"I dunno." He shrugged. "The girls have already been through and taken all of the usable mattresses."

_Just because she feeds me well and she made me talk dirty in a pink hotel… _

Now? Why now? I grabbed my phone before any more of that infernal song could start playing.

"Edward! You said soon, and so I waited, are you there yet?" I opened my mouth to explain, but she rolled right over me. "I looked up the route from Chicago to Spokane on Google Map, and you should have arrived an hour ago, recalculating their timing for your driving speed." She giggled. She'd probably done the conversions in her head—she was headed for CalTech, mathematics major.

"Um, actually we did arrive about fifty minutes ago, but—"

"Edward, you promised you'd call when you arrived. The minute you arrived! I was worried about you, honey!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I distinctly recalled saying I'd call her, yes. That was remiss of me, to forget that. But I had made no promises, and nothing about 'the minute I arrive.' "Tanya, I'm really sorry—there's been a bit of a mix-up."

"Oh my gosh, Edward, were you in an accident? You know I'm always so afraid you'll hurt yourself, driving that fast! Is everyone alright?"

"No, no, nothing like that." I considered the best way to break it to her. I did not want to have to do the Tanya song and dance. Not now. "You know the three roommates we were supposed to be sharing the house with?"

"Yeah? Are they really obnoxious? Do you hate them?"

"Well…yes. But that's not the point… It turns out Emmett should have done his research more carefully. The house is a dump," I ignored her immediate outpouring of sympathy. "and the roommates are girls."

There was an immediate silence. Oh, damn. Had I set her off again? "Edward, are you informing me that you are staying in a house with girls you don't know? That I don't know?"

"Well, yes. And it's really run down—from the looks of it, not all the bedrooms are habitable, and—"

"And so you might end up sharing. Let me guess, pretty girls." Her voice was sharp now.

"I suppose." The blonde wasn't bad, and _Isa_bella had been really quite something. A brat, but a very attractive one.

"And you've thought about it, and decided that there's probably no point in changing living conditions; you might as well make the best of this."

"Yeah?" Where was she going with this?

"Well, you know what Edward? Screw that. I've been lied to enough times to know a two-faced, cheating, bastard's excuses when I hear them. 'Stuck rooming with pretty girls, not enough beds, so I might have to share, but really, it's all an accident'—yeah right. What, you decided a long distance relationship wasn't enough for you, you had to find a piece of ass while you were there? Is that it, huh, Edward? You know what? I'm tired of dealing with all this crap—we're done Edward. God. I thought you were different."

There was a sharp click as she hung up. I blinked. Was I a horrible person for feeling relieved that my girlfriend of nearly two months had broken up with me? Almost certainly. I ignored Jasper and Emmett's quiet laughter, and stalked to the closet to look for sheets. Could this evening get any worse?

When I yanked open the closet door, there stood _Isa_bella, her hands all over the very sheets I had hoped to use. Yes. It could. "What," I asked, not caring that I sounded rude, "are you doing in _our_ closet?"

"I am getting sheets from a closet that we paid for too," she snarled at me.

"You already took all of the mattresses—"

"Two! We took two!"

She was actually remarkably pretty when she was really pissed off. The color looked great on her really pale skin, and her eyes got all liquid with anger. God. What was I doing, looking at another girl like that about two seconds after my girlfriend dumped me. My fury at myself made my voice harsher then it should have been.

"Oh, right… you just accidentally on purpose took the only two usable mattresses in the house!"

"First come, first served," she snapped back.

Oh, that was a really clever philosophy. "If you want to play it that way…" she would be singing a different tune as soon as we got our hands on something she wanted. She turned on her heel and stomped off, but not before making off with towels as well.

This was a total disaster.

I turned back to the room that, apparently, all three of us would be sharing.

"So, genius, where are we going to sleep?" I asked Jasper. He had a dopey grin on his face. "And what the hell are you smiling about?"

Emmett laughed. "He's in looove."

Jasper whirled around and whacked Emmett across the head. Odd. Jasper was usually content to let Emmett be annoying—I was the one who still whacked him. "Would you please shut your oversized mouth, Emmett?"

"Oooh… I've hit a nerve! Alice and Jasper/sitting in a tree/K-I-S—" Another whack. "Hey, man. You're killing my brain cells."

I snickered. "What brain cells, Emmett?"

"Hey! I've got a brain… I'm doing better than you are in Inorganic Chemistry!"

It was sadly true. I creamed him at Physics, though. Since I was pre-med, and he was a chemistry major, we ended up in many of the same classes. "Alright," I allowed, "at least you're taking a real science, not some kind of sissy science—"

I was the next to receive a whack on the arm. Jasper was a Psychology major, planning to go into Children's Developmental Psycheand we were constantly teasing him about the fact that his "science major" wasn't as real as Chemistry, Biology, or Physics. He usually knew we were only kidding, and joined in, saying I was a sicko for wanting to cut people up, and Emmett was a pyromaniac who just wanted to play with explosions. It was the kind of teasing we usually enjoyed.

"Seriously, Jasper, what the hell's the matter with you?"

He at least had the grace to look ashamed. "Sorry—I'm just—on edge."

"Is this what you were going to tell us in the car? Before… Tanya… interrupted?"

He nodded, once. "I've been having this weird feeling lately, that something's not…right. Something subtle. Like I'm waiting for something."

I nodded. "So?"

"So, the moment I saw her—Alice—it all went away. It was like the universe was saying: okay, that's it, you're done. You've found it."

"Found what?" I asked, highly skeptical.

"That's just it—I have no idea!" He rubbed the burn scar on his left arm, a nervous gesture to which I was well accustomed.

"You're not thinking like a, a soul mate or something, right?" Emmett looked worried. "'Cause if you're seriously thinking that one of these… these annoying, spoiled, stupid, Denali girls is anything like that, you're off your rocker, man."

**RPOV**

Lord. I needed a long, hot shower, and I needed it now. No, correction: I needed it twenty minutes ago. I was finally finished setting up the mattresses on the floor Alice and I would be sharing, and I left them changing. With the door shut. And with the vanity pushed up in front of it. We were taking no chances, alone in a house with three boys from Volterra School. Especially not me. But I was handling it. I was going to go over there and calmly and reasonably discuss our options. We should probably learn to get along—we were certainly stuck together for the next five or six days until school started, and possibly for longer than that. I didn't matter if every time I saw the Volterra School colors**, **black and red,I thought of Royce, that lying cheating scumbag. He had been from Volterra. He was the reason my last two or three relationships had been merely friendly. I wasn't ready to get my heart broken again. But I could handle this. I could handle anything. Just because they came from a school of dishonest, amoral, scum, did not necessarily mean they were dishonest, amoral scum. I stepped out of the bathroom (I did not want to brave the plank, judging by my luck recently, it would snap and I'd fall in) and was about to enter the hall.

"…these annoying, spoiled, stupid, Denali girls is anything like that, you're off your rocker—" it was the tall one. Emmett. The cute one. The taken one. The obnoxious one, apparently. I did not seriously just hear that. Who the hell does he think he is, talking about us this way?

"What the hell?" I burst into the room. "You—you rat! Where the hell do you get off calling us those kinds of names?" He faced me, not cowed at all. The other two at least had the grace to look ashamed. He opened his mouth to say something.

"What would even be the point?" I cut him off. "I can't trust a word that comes out of a Volterra boy's mouth, so don't waist your breath. Conserve it to lie to your girlfriend." With that, I stomped away, fuming.

I revise my earlier opinion. Dishonest, amoral scum, the lot of them.

**BPOV**

Only about a minute after she'd left, we heard the swift pattern of knocks on the door that meant Rose had returned. Alice jumped up and hauled the vanity table out of the way, then opened the door on a furious Rosalie. As soon as the door was opened wide enough for her to slip through, she came storming back into our room with a face like a thundercloud. She'd mentioned something about talking to them before she left… obviously things had not gone well. I yawned.

"It's getting really late, you guys—we've been up since like six this morning, and it's almost eleven. We should go to bed."

Alice nodded agreement. "Is everyone good, should we barricade the door yet?"

Rose shook her head. "I still need to brush my teeth and change into my pajamas." Alice was ready for bed, I but wanted to make one last restroom stop.

"I'll come with," I stood.

"Alice, would you mind staying here and blocking the door after us?" Rose asked, looking worried. "I don't think anyone should be left entirely alone, unless they're safe in here." I raised my eyebrows. We decided to check out the bathroom in the master bedroom. I went first and used the toilet (which worked, albeit slowly), then stood guard while she changed, brushed her teeth, and exfoliated. We strolled back to the bedroom, rapped on the door, and waited while Alice opened up. After the barricade was put back up, we all sank down into our respective beds (or respective mattresses) and I fell asleep almost immediately, completely exhausted by my day.

**?POV**

It was cold, and dark, and so late it was early. I reached up and hoisted myself up onto the window sill, and slid up the glass. It squeaked, and I froze, afraid that I would be caught. I heard nothing. The window went up the rest of the way without a sound. I slipped through the window and landed on the floor softly, without making more than a muffled thumping noise. Great. I turned around to close the window behind me. It shut silently—a blessing. I turned again, ready to sneak into bed…

And instead stared straight into the eyes of my two very, very angry roommates.

Shit.

**A/N again, because we just **_**know**_** you missed it:**

**Tequila**: ooooh… who could it be??

**Justin**: anyone who guesses right wins… um…

**Tequila**: a set of samsonite luggage, a car, and a FREE TRIP TO HAWAII!!

**Justin**: Tequila, have you been watching old game shows again?

**Tequila**: no… not much…

**Justin**: they win… a mention in the next chapter, and a cookie!

**Tequila**: WHAT!! THOSE ARE _MY_ COOKIES!!

**Justin**: not _your _cookies, Tequila… some other cookies.

**Tequila**: oh. Ok:D


	4. Hot Water

Stuff Happens:

**Author's Note:**

**Tequila:** oh, my, Edward, I am SO sorry you guys!!

**Justin**: Yeah… our bads.

**Tequila:** we had exams… FROM HELL!!

**Justin:** And beyond! But anyway… we don't give up on our stories.

**Tequila:** or our fans!! (if we actually have any)

**Justin**: Oh, and to everyone who guessed Alice… here's a cookie! For those who guessed Alice and someone else… you get… half a cookie! So there.

**Tequila**: that'll teach you to cheat :D

**Winner**: anonymous (silly!!), HeartlessMagic, littlebro (we know it's Tequila's little brother… you're not as sneaky as you think you are, Ravenonawritingdesk!!)

**Cheaters! (JK!) Honorable Mention**: Sierra Swan, Sister-Ly-The-Abstract-Empress, Greek Bee, 13figurescater-Draco'sgirl, Insanity's Partner, HarmoniousPie, XxLostinmyemotionsxX, edwardcullenloverforever, mckellsaxey

**Disclaimer:** yes. You've guessed it. We're Ms. Meyer in disguise… not. Nor do we own Madonna and her songs. Thank god…. Or Nutella :'(

To: ThatPorscheIsMine

From: BarbieGirl226  
Subject: Missing U!!

hi Alice!! i cant believe im gonna say this, but i miss yas! how is everything?? mom said u said to say hi, thanks… skool starts tmrw!! can u believe their NERVE?! itz august, dammit!! i be angry! so while ur off living ur fancy college life, spare a moment for ur little sister, stuck in stupid skool :( i need a shopping trip w/ u to get rid of all this sadness… but ur in oregon… life sux

Synthia, chicas!!

(lyke the s? i wanted sumthing new 4 sophomore yr.) 

To: BarbieGirl226

From: ThatPorscheIsMine

Subject: RE: Missing U!! (2!)

hey syn! i luv the spelling change… v. cool: like sin ;) and im soooooo sry! skool is hell. just keep this in mind: hawt senior boys, got it chica? ;D i miss shopping w/ u 2!! and as for this fancy college life? totally not wut it seems. my friends r evil… THEY TOOK MY CREDIT CARDS!! (i no! how cud they b so cruel!?) and a word 2 the wise… never rent a house w/o seeing the place urself and meeting ur roommates before hand. ick.

-Al  im changing this. u cannot believe how much truble its gotten me into!!

(totally not lost in wonderland :( )

To: HotWheelz109; HotWheelz901

From: PimpUrRide

Subject: My Boyz

how r my boyz! i miss u guys! yeah, yeah, yeah, i no wut ull say, mushy older sis, used to wanna be independent, w/e. srsly, u guys r the only men in my life- u no that, rite? i've met sum boyz here, ull be glad to no, but they cant hold a candle 2 u 2, u just rock so much. 3 how r u? i wanna no everything thats been goin on. dont give my luv 2 mom if u can help it, its all 4 u!

-The Wonderful Rose

To: PimpUrRide

CC: HotWheelz109

From: HotWheelz901

Subject: RE: My Boyz

hey rose, hey sean… life in chicago iz BORING as usual… no one interesting. we r starting 5 grade tmrw, and skool is boring 2… theres not gonna be anyone who lykes soccer or anything… no nice gurls now that ur gone, sis. they've all left w/ u

-Aiden

oh, theres a band named aiden fyi, they rock.

To: PimpUrRide

CC: HotWheelz901

From: HotWheelz109

dammit, aiden got there first… oh well!! IM SO GLAD UR OKAY!! life is rockin, as per usual… we start MIDDLE SKOOL tmrw! i cant w8! its gunna be so kewl! im gunna tell u all about it, ok?? even if u dont wanna hear it ;) luv u 2!

hope those "sexy college boys" dont take u away from us rosie!

-Sean

the band sucks. dont believe aiden. O:D

Chapter Four: Hot Water

**BPOV**

It wasn't until two in the morning that Rosalie woke me up, telling me frantically that Alice had been captured by the enemy. It took awhile for her words to reach my poor, sleep-deprived brain.

"Wha?"

"WOMAN DOWN! WOMAN DOWN!!" Rosalie yelled in my face "ALICE HAS BEEN TAKEN AS A PRISONER OF WAR!!"

"….Wha?"

I was not a morning person. Or a two-in-the-morning person. But this news woke me up faster than that time Alice threw a bucket of cold water into my face. Wait…Alice!

"OH MY GOD! HOW COULD THEY?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Those Volterra High School scum! Was it legally kidnapping if we were in the same house?

"I DON'T KNOW! THE BASTARDS!" Rosalie was working herself up into one of her famous Rosalie 'fits'. The record currently stood at three and one half weeks—an old boyfriend had told her to 'shut up—for such a hot girl, she was damn annoying'. So no, she would not shut up. And not only that, but she would _keep_ talking until the sound of her voice was so permanently engraved into his brain that he would hear it at all times. Anytime, anywhere. "I HAVE HALF A MIND TO GO OVER THERE… AND… AND… DO SOMETHING! BAD! AND WITH MUCH PHYSICAL PAIN!!"

"Wait.wait.wait.wait." I reasoned, finally getting a handle on things. The door was still blocked- how could anyone leave, and then block the door behind them? "_You_ woke me up… if Alice had been taken, she would have been screaming and kicking and scratching the entire time. Have you ever _seen _what it's like when anyone tries to force her to do something? That girl is more stubborn than a mule!"

I saw Rosalie's gaze flicker from the vanity blocking the door, to Alice's empty bed, to the open window. "… Oh no she didn't." Rosalie drew in a deep breath. I covered my ears. "MARY ALICE BRANDON, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME—KNOW THAT YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE!! WE HAVE YOUR MAKE-UP!!"

There was a loud pounding at the door, and Emmett's voice bellowed through the wooden barrier.

"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? WHO WAS KILLED?!" he sounded genuinely worried. That was sweet of him. I hauled the vanity back from the door with Rosalie's help. He stuck his head in—he really did look upset. Edward was right behind him… a god, even at this ungodly hour of the morning. He too, looked worried. I was surprised. What had brought on this change?

"Alice snuck out!" Rosalie seethed in anger. "We thought you had her!"

"The pixie?" Emmett asked, wrinkling his nose. "No, not us."

"She's probably with Jasper" Edward put in. "He's gone too."

"Those conniving little…" words failed to express how angry I felt right now. I was up. At two in the morning. Because Mary Alice Brandon couldn't keep her hormones to herself… ooh… I was going to kill her. Then resurrect her, only to kill her again! Then Rosalie and I could take turns burning her body and dancing on her grave!! I had a brilliant thought. We could bury her in the hole in the living room! She didn't deserve a tombstone…

"Okay, well if you girls are done with your silly bout of hysteria, then I'm off for bed." Emmett said with a huge smirk. "…or sheet." His face fell.

I tried hard to suppress a smile. That'd show them! Rosalie wasn't even trying to stifle her laughter. "Enjoy" She sent them off with a wink, slamming the door so hard it probably smashed Emmett's nose in. We quickly dragged the vanity back into place, and turned to wait.

Alice had to come back some time. And when she did…

**EPOV**

"PRISONER OF WAR!!" The screech tore me from my fitful slumber. I struggled as I tried to wrestle myself from my several blankets on the floor. Jasper did not know how lucky he was to be sleeping on the bed… A beautiful, soft, bed. I turned my gaze to Emmett, whose hair looked like it had been put under a vacuum. Emmett was up on his feet, holding out his pillow and with a fearsome scowl on his face.

"CHARGE!! MAN THE BATTLEMENTS! CALL FOR REINFORCEMENTS! WHERE'S MOM?!" He yelled, and then paused when he realized we weren't under attack. He'd been playing way too many video games. "What happened?"

I blinked. I was about to reply, when another shriek tore through the air. "THE BASTARDS!!" What in the name of…I scrambled to my feet. Emmett was already running out the door, still clutching the pillow. I glanced around—Jasper's bed was empty. No wonder he wasn't screaming… was he in the bathroom? I ran after Emmett as more yelling echoed through the house—this time I was unable to distinguish exactly what was being said. Emmett had gone through the kitchen. I followed, catching my hip on the island in the middle of the floor and muttering a curse. That _hurt_. I turned the corner back into the living room just in time to see Emmett leap over the hole in the floor. He probably still thought he was under siege… definitely time to cut down on the video games.

I followed, somewhat more conventionally, as he began to hammer on the door, yelling the whole time. After a second or two, there was a scraping sound—had they blocked the door?—and the gateway to Girl-Land opened a crack. Bella's head appeared. I blinked. No one had any right to look that good at two in the morning. The door opened wider to reveal the blonde—I still couldn't remember her name. She was obviously furious about something. After a moment, she spoke, hissing through her teeth. "Alice snuck out! We thought you had her!"

Well that was a bit of a blow to any chivalric notions I retained. Thanks a lot, Blondie. Emmett denied it, and I suddenly remembered Jasper's empty bed. The goopy expression on his face, the romantic twaddle he had been spouting… it clicked.

"She's probably with Jasper, he's gone too."

Bella looked very angry. I would not want to be the tiny brunette right now. She muttered under her breath, "Those conniving little…" Correction. I would not want to be Alice _or_ Jasper right now.

Emmett started in again, "Okay, well if you girls are done with your silly bout of hysteria, then I'm off for bed." He paused for a moment, remembering that we did not have beds, as such. "…or sheet." They laughed in our faces and slammed the door. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I listened to the heavy piece of furniture being dragged back across the door… this sucked. I was going to kill Jasper.

**APOV**

It was cold, and dark, and so late it was early. I reached up and hoisted myself up onto the window sill, and slid up the glass. It squeaked, and I froze, afraid that I would be caught. I heard nothing. The window went up the rest of the way without a sound. I slipped through the window and landed on the floor softly, without making more than a muffled thumping noise. Great. I turned around to close the window behind me. It shut silently—a blessing. I turned again, ready to sneak into bed…

And instead stared straight into the eyes of my two very, very angry roommates.

Shit.

**BPOV**

"So, Alice. How was your little midnight rendezvous?" She gulped.

Rosalie leaned forward. She was a good foot taller than tiny Alice, and she used every inch of her height advantage to intimidate. "I woke up. And you, you were gone. Do you have any. Idea. How worried I was?" her voice was scarily calm, especially given the explosion I had witnessed earlier.

Alice winced. "Sorry?"

"Sorry. Sorry." Rose turned to me, her expression incredulous. "She takes ten years off my life and she says sorry? She says SORRY!" she whipped back to Alice, who visibly recoiled. "I will show you SORRY!! You are going to wish you were… you were…I'm taking away your credit cards."

Alice paled. She looked as if she might faint. "Rose… not that! Please! I really am so sorry—but—but—but—" Rose showed no signs of backing down. Alice gritted her teeth. She was stubborn, when she wanted to be. "You know I'll find them."

The grin on Rosalie's face scared me a bit. "I know just where I'll put them. You can spend every single moment of every single day for a million years and you'll never find them." She stuck out an arm, palm up. "Hand them over. Now."

"NEVER!!"

I figured it was time for me to step in. I nodded to Rosalie, who tackled Alice onto the mattresses. She squirmed, and scratched, while I went over to her bags and quickly and efficiently searched them. It was not difficult—Alice needed her credit cards to be easily accessible, and after all, my dad had been a police chief. Once they were safely within my grasp, I handed them to Rose, who had stuffed Alice under the covers and was sitting on her with a triumphant expression. She grabbed them, hauled away the vanity, and was out the door before Alice could struggle out of the bedding. By then, I had the vanity back in place and was sitting on top of it, smirking.

First, she tried pleading with me, "Bella, please, you don't understand—Bella!" When that failed, she resorted to bribery, "Bella, I won't take you shopping for a month—two months!"

"Alice, if you don't have your credit cards…"

She scowled, and finally tried threats. "You know I'll find them, and when I do… we're going to Gucci!!"

I prayed that Rosalie knew what she was doing…

* * *

It was the next day, and Alice and I were anxiously awaiting our turn for a shower. We feared for Rosalie, having to manage the long walk from the bathroom back to our room alone, but we knew she could take care of herself. We huddled in the living room, wrapped in our sheets and converged around Alice's small portable T.V. The boys were across from us, sitting on a broken down couch against the far wall and playing cards. Every so often, they would cast us dirty looks, which we returned with interest. The plank was leaning against the wall on _their _side of the chasm- they had gotten to it first.

A bloodcurdling scream pierced the air. The guys practically fell off the couch at the sound of it.

"Rosalie!" Alice gasped, abandoning her T.V. and running to the bathroom in the master bedroom. I thought about it, hesitated, but then took the T.V. with me. They did have the means to steal it, after all…

A very angry, very wet Rosalie was standing at the door to the bathroom, only a towel wrapped around her. Her hair was half-wet and sticking up in many directions, and her eyes were glaring bloody murder.

"Three words." She snarled "No. Hot. Water."

I bit my lip hard to stop myself from laughing- in her present condition that would not be received well. Alice, on the other hand, was completely sympathetic. Her eyes were round with shock and horror and her lower lip was wobbling.

"That's terrible!" She cried, throwing her arms around Rosalie's shivering form. She came up to about Rose's collarbone, and her own hair was getting wet from the water dripping off Rose. "You poor baby! Let's check the other one- it's free."

Rosalie managed a nod and quickly made her way to the other bathroom. I grabbed her toiletries and followed with Alice close behind me. Rosalie stopped at the corner before turning into the living room.

"…I can't go there." She hissed "_They_ are there."

I narrowed my eyes, pondering the predicament. What to do…. Blankets!

"Alice! With me!!" I yelled, handing Rose's toiletries back to her. I quickly ran to the bedroom and dumped the T.V. on the single bed. In the back of my mind, I thought of a possible installation of a chain lock. Not now. Alice and I grabbed opposite ends of a blanket, and made our way back to Rose. We spread apart, and held it up like a curtain to conceal Rosalie. She breathed a sigh of relief, and we waddled our way past the boys' line of sight, ignoring their hysterical guffawing, and collapsed in the relative safety of the bathroom.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you" Rosalie breathed. "I would've been screwed!"

Alice had a calculating expression on her face. "…Do these doors lock?" She asked, her eyes flicking from one entrance to the other.

Rose visibly blanched. "Don't leave me! Please!" She looked so miserable, there was no possible way to resist.

"Of course we won't!" I protested, but I had no idea how we would solve the door crisis. It was a bathroom, or it was meant to be, there was nothing to block the doors _with_. At least in the bedroom we had the vanity.

The tiles were filthy, mildewed and dank, the sink was rusted and I didn't even want to think about the toilet. The shower was mildly better: at least livable (showerable?) although the curtain was a wreck. The mirror was cracked, the ceiling light flickered, and was that… a spider web??

It was bad enough even without the clearly… _male_ paraphernalia scattered about: shaving cream, razors, deodorant (well, at least they wore it), aftershave, toothpaste, cologne, contacts (I wondered whose they were), and gel. It was an infestation! It wasn't even arranged in an orderly fashion. These items were everywhere, scattered from the sides of the tub to the top of the sink and the toilet tank. We would most definitely have to put this place in order.

"Ew!!" Alice's face scrunched up in disgust. "Ick ick ick…"

"It's not that bad…" she stared at me in utter disbelief… "Okay, it is that bad, but let's focus on the big picture. No matter how bad it is, we can't let the boys in, right?"

Rose nodded frantically and shuddered slightly at the thought.

Alice's face lit up. "I got it! We'll block the doors by brute force!"

Rosalie lifted an eyebrow. "_What_ brute force Alice?"

Alice grinned. "We'll sit against the doors and stop the boys from coming in!"

"Alice, you're brilliant!" I yelled, giving her a one-armed hug. We moved into position, and I turned my attention to Rosalie. "Okay, we're ready."

Rosalie nodded grimly and turned on the hot water tap. She gingerly tested the water and let out a small squeal of success. "HOT!!" She quickly proceeded to get the temperature _just right_ and hopped in the shower. I twirled a piece of my hair and waited… and waited… and waited.

"Alice, I'm bored."

That was when the singing began.

_Come on boy I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll  
Well don't waste time, give me a sign, tell me how you wanna roll  
I want somebody to speed it up for me then take it down slow  
There's enough room for both_

The doorknob rattled, and Rosalie quickly shut up. We were on the alert, Alice pressing herself to the door with all her might. For such a small girl, she had a lot of might…

"GO AWAY!!" we all yelled simultaneously. The rattling ceased…

A couple of seconds later I turned to Alice again. The mirrors were already getting covered with steam from the shower and I was sweating. "Alice…" I groaned. "I'm bored again."

"Me too…" she whined "I'm already sweating like a pig…"

"Oooo!! Let's draw pictures on the mirror!" I squealed, clapping my hands like a little kid.

"Yeah!!" She joined in enthusiastically as she stretched out her arm. "Wait…can't…reach…" 

"Okay, um… let's play 20 questions" I offered, wondering what the hell I was doing. Alice always creamed me at this game… The steam must have affected my brain…

"Do you have someone?" Alice asked

"Yep."

"Is it… Madonna?"

"…yes…"

"Hah! I got it."

"Do _you_ have someone?" I asked in reply.

"Yep."

"Is it… Jasper?"

"Nope."

"Is it… Rose?"

"Nope."

"Is it… an animal?"

"Nope."

"A vegetable?"

"Nope."

A voice called out from the shower. "Is it a jewel?"

"Hey! That's cheating!" Alice protested

"Hah! So it is!" I said in triumph.

"Yep." Alice said with a smug look. "You have fourteen questions left."

"Diamond" I said with a knowing grin. Alice let out a scowl and I knew I had it.

"Curse you Bella Swan! First my credit cards and now this…" She gave her pout… and I had to look away.

"You're turn Bells" She said after a moment.

"-Almost done guys, sorry about this" Rose cut in.

"Okay."

"You got someone?"

"Yep."

"Is it George Washington?"

"…yes…."

"Knew it."

I sighed and let the games continue…

**EPOV **

I woke up once more that day, already feeling out of patience. Emmett was already sitting up, watching his legs as he kicked his feet. Jasper was now back on the bed, sprawled out with his mouth open. Was that _drool_ at the corner of his lip? Yes, yes it was.

"I'm BORED!" Emmett wailed, pouting in a manner worthy of a three-year-old, "YOU MAY ENTERTAIN ME!!" A low rumble filled the room. "Actually, can we eat first?" he asked sheepishly.

I sighed patiently. Emmett had his… moments, but I knew there had to be a reason why we kept him around. "Sure thing, _Em_" I teased "I'll make us some omelets"

"Can I have bacon in mine?" Jasper groaned from the bed, sitting up slowly. I tried not to laugh at this sight. Jasper who was normally perfectly groomed… his hair was alive! And dear lord… he had a hickey! _Numerous_ hickeys.

"No. Not after you abandoned us… you…. Abandoner!" Emmett growled. "You know what? Yeah, you're getting _onions_ in your omelet!!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!! BUT THEY MAKE ME CRY!" Jasper shouted, losing his self-control.

"YES!!" I shouted back, "Emmett that's _brilliant_! Not only that, but I'll put in some tomatoes!!"

Jasper paled, but tried to act tough. "You might as well not waste the eggs! I'm not hungry anyway!"

"Oh… do we even have eggs?" Emmett chimed, giving me the pout again. I let out another sigh… he was good, and unfortunately right. We had no eggs.

"Probably not." I sighed again… "but didn't you have some Eggo waffles in the car?"

Emmett perked up, "We're going to college, you need microwavable food to survive! Of _course_ I have waffles! And hot-pockets!"

Wow… we all needed more sleep. We weren't usually this moronic, not even this early in the morning… were we?

We all got up and stumbled into the bathroom, pausing only to grab our bathroom thingies and check for the girls. They were nowhere to be seen. I grabbed my contacts sulkily and washed my hands. After I put them in and made myself presentable (barely) **AN: hahahaha… Barely presentable? Yeah right Edward. Yeah right. **I cleared out to let Emmett's morning grooming ritual take place. The boy takes forever to get ready in the morning…and somehow never ends up looking half as presentable as Jasper, who's in and out in ten minutes… there's a moral in there somewhere…

The kitchen was a nightmare, but I had expected that from our hasty tour the day before. The sink worked… sort of, after you waited for the gushing brown gunk to clear. The refrigerator, however, was dead, I suspected the stove would blow up if I turned it on, and the cupboards were currently hosting a family of mice. Honestly, if I wasn't so hungry, I wouldn't have eaten here for fear of salmonella. But I was hungry. Very, very, hungry. Very hungry in the realm of, I will willingly eat Jasper if I don't have some food soon. Even if his hair is alive. And might eat me. _Please don't kill me, hair!! Nooo…!! Heheheheh…._

Okay, note to self, more sleep. Lots more sleep… and waffles… lots of waffles…

Emmett gasped. "Edward…you brought the Nutella… right?!" **AN: to those of you who don't know the joy of Nutella, buy some. Now. It rocks.**

Jasper swiveled his head towards me, his hazel eyes growing wide. "Edward… don't fail me."

My lip quivered. It was just too much. I couldn't reply in words, so I hung my head in shame.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Emmett howled. "I am tired. I am hungry. And there is no Nutella for my waffles?! The world cannot possibly be so cruel."

I stamped my foot. That. Was. It. Grocery store. Soon.

"Well… I guess we can have… plain waffles…" Jasper trailed off timidly.

We both turned to glare. Emmett actually growled. I will willingly admit I was scared for a moment there. Okay, two moments. But really. It wouldn't kill us… much. We would have to make do.

"Emmett, where are the waffles?"

"In the bag." He trudged dispiritedly into the bedroom, returning a few moments later with the box of Chocolate Chip Eggo Waffles. The world seemed much brighter now.

There was, thank god, a working microwave, although the viewing screen was smeared with gunk I did _not_ want to identify. We placed seven waffles onto a chipped (but cleanish) plate from one of the non-rodent infested cupboards. Emmett stood in front of the microwave while they revolved around and around and around. Jasper ran back into the bathroom to finish getting ready, and I hunted around for another plate and some silverware. I managed to come up with two spoons and a knife. That would have to do.

When the waffles came out, Jasper and I devoured ours immediately, but Emmett took a single bite and frowned.

"It's not the same." There was a beat, and then a rather unnerving smile spread across his face, "Wait…. Wait for it… Yes! Guys, I have had an epiphany!"

He then proceeded to rush out of the room without informing us as to what this 'epiphany' was.

Jasper turned to me without a blink of his eyes. "Our morning rituals have been disturbed. It's a sign."

I sighed; in all honesty I wasn't in the mood to deal with superstitions. I was saved from having to think of a reply by Emmett running back from our room to the kitchen, holding two bars of hazelnut chocolate and with a mad gleam to his eye.

"I have a solution! Behold, my genius at work!"

"What genius, Emmett? The genius that got us stranded in a telephone booth last year?" Jasper snapped. "Those girls all laughed at us!"

"Or the genius that has never figured out how to work a payphone?"

"They don't accept euros! I don't get it! Why can't they just accept euros?!" Emmett growled, and I had a brief moment of wondering why Emmett _had_ euros in the first place… but then dismissed such thoughts as irrelevant as he turned to the two chocolate bars in his hand. "Now, watch and learn boys… watch and learn."

He unwrapped the chocolate and placed it in a dented bowl before shoving the… ensemble into the microwave. He then set the timer for 60 seconds and watched its progress like a hawk.

"Um… Emmett, what exactly is the epiphany?"

"Nutella. Hazelnut chocolate. One and the same!"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure they add other stuff—"

"Hazelnut. Chocolate. That's all that matters."

"Okay, Emmett, sure."

When the little machine beeped he grabbed the bowl and started stabbing at the chocolate inside with his spoon. It smooshed easily. He then scooped it up and spread it on his (now cold) waffles. "TA-DA!!" he stuffed an entire waffle into his mouth. "Mwoklate!! Hottt!! But," he gulped "Nutella-y goodness" He smiled like a little boy in a candy store. Which was what he was really… Emmett + emotional status of a seven-year-old + chocolate happiness. That was the Fundamental Theorem of Emmett…ness.

I needed coffee. But the machine was broken. Very broken. It was, in fact, now modern art. Life sucked.

"Edward…" Emmett whined after stuffing his face with another two waffles. "I'm still bored."

"Emmett…" Jasper even copied the pout, "I still don't care."

This was going to degenerate quickly. I racked my brains… "Cards! I have cards! Do you guys want to play Egyptian-Rat-Screwy-Hamster-Fudge-Kill-The-Rabbit?"

"Yes!!" Emmett gave his first genuine smile of the day. "I _love_ that game!"

"Emmett, you do know there's a penalty, right? You can't just keep slapping the deck… that's what 'Kill-the-Rabbit' means." Jasper murmured patiently.

Emmett snorted. "Whatever. Still best game ever."

I laughed. "Okay, but how about we get dressed first? We don't want to give the girls a peep-show… unless Jasper and Alice have something planned they're not telling us?"

Although… that blonde… was gorgeous. And so was Isabella, in a less 'do me now' way.

I trotted back to the room and quickly changed, we met up in the living room, on our side of the… abyss.

Emmett grabbed the plank and dumped it on our side of the chasm. No sense in giving it away. And the girls probably wouldn't be willing to leap over the gulf. We settled down to play on the dumpy sofa that slouched on the west wall, right near the door to the kitchen.

After only about a half-an-hour, the girls came out. The blonde turned and started walking up the north-south hallway to the other bathroom off the master-bedroom. Alice and Isabella settled down with blankets and… was that a _portable TV_?

Lucky bitches. I would about kill for some television right now. And some cutlery. And a shower. And coffee. And a new apartment. I wanted my old room back…

They had only been there for a few moments when a bloodcurdling shriek tore through the air. I fell off the couch- luckily, with no one but the guys seeing- as the girls ran off, taking the portable TV with them. Curses. After a few moments, during which we all stood still and stared at each other, they reappeared.

And boy, how did they reappear. Alice and Isabella were holding up the corners of a blanket, making a moving curtain from under which the blonde's (_what _was her name?) absolutely luscious lower legs protruded. They shuffled in an odd sort of waddle-walk towards the bathroom. I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard, and Emmett and Jasper were not much better off.

"Wow… Rosalie has some NICE legs!" Emmett wolf-whistled. Rosalie… so that was her name! Brilliant.

"Mhmm…" I agreed whole-heartedly, my imagination running away with me. Jasper was quiet- he was probably thinking about Alice.

Wait, Alice! That boy had some serious explaining to do.

"Jasper—" I turned towards him, but then the singing broke out.

_Come on boy I've been waiting for somebody to pick up my stroll  
_

Emmett looked… there was no other word for it: hungry. There was a slightly desperate gleam to his eyes and he gripped the arm of the sofa with both his hands.

_Well don't waste time, give me a sign, tell me how you wanna roll _

He stood up as if he were in a trance, jumping over the entirety of the hole in a single leap. He paused outside the bathroom door.

"Emmett!" I hissed, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
"I'm doing what she is telling me to—"

_  
I want somebody to speed it up for me then take it down slow  
There's enough room for both_

"Shit…" He reached out and grabbed the handle, trying to turn it.

"GO AWAY!" came the triple voices from inside. Emmett's eyes widened and he practically flew back to our side.

"Emmett, man, what the hell got into you?" Jasper asked, actually concerned for our friend's sanity. (The little of it that he had, anyway).

"Dude. All three of them. In the bathroom. Together. Singing…showering…"

My eyes widened. Holy hell.

Beside me, Jasper slipped off into daydream land. He breathed out a long slow sigh. "Mmm… Alice"

"What?!" I gasped, startled out of my… a-m-a-z-i-n-g reverie. "Oh… what _were_ you _doing_ out with her last night? Hmmm?"

"Edward! Not that!" Jasper blushed. He actually blushed. "Geez, I just met her yesterday!"

"Yeah, well the hickeys sitting on your neck say otherwise, my friend."

"Oohhhh…. Jazzy got some action!! Jasper and Alice sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes—"

"Emmett!!" Jasper protested, turning three more shades of red. This was fun: I enjoyed watching him squirm. "We were just—she—there wasn't—I can explain!"  
I calmly crossed my legs and folded my hand on my knee. "Please, do."

"Uh… um—well she—and then—but it… well… I guess I can't explain."

"Not good enough… you're the psychologist here… how does she make you _feel_?"

"Amazing. There's no way to describe her… Alice… she just awakens a part of me that I never felt before."

Emmett drummed his fingers on the sofa arm and turned to me with a grin and his brows raised. "Hmm, _which_ part I wonder?"

"Oh god! Not like that you _perve_!" Jasper looked honestly horrified.

I couldn't resist. I had to say it. "Please, Emmett, it's not like he hasn't _felt_ that before."

He hit me.

"Worth it" I chimed, earning another whack. "Totally worth it."

It was only 9.27 AM, and it had already been a very long day.

Just perfect.

**A/N: it's two for the price of one!! YAY!!**

**Tequila:** summer… yay… sleep…

**Justin:** No Tequila… you've got to stay awake or else we can't finish this AN!

**Tequila**: but… but… my teddy is CALLING ME!!

**Justin**: Teddy can wait, she'll be right there for you when you're finished.

**Tequila**: you know, Lilac can get very impatient sometimes!

**Justin**: sighs Well then, finish the AN and you can get back to her sooner, okay?

**Tequila**: fine. REVIEW PPL or I will hunt u down and EAT YOU…

**Justin**: There we go…. G'night Teckie!

**Tequila**: sleep tight, Super-Justice-Justin

**Justin:** don't let the bedbugs bite…

**Tequila:** BEDBUGS?? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

**Justin:** sighs damn it…


	5. CONFERENCE!

Stuff happens 5

**Author's Note**

**Justin**: WOW!! Aren't we amazing…

**Tequila**: another update so soon ;)

**Justin**: That seems to be a pattern with this story… nothing, then lots, then nothing…

**Tequila**: well, we are now firmly in LOTS mode!!

**Justin**: As well as being so insanely glad to be out of school

**Tequila**: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

**Disclaimer:** we own… um… not even the computer this was typed on… damn…

**Our First Serious AN****: **We know, we never thought this moment would come either. But several readers have expressed concern over Edward's attraction to Rosalie and we would like to take this moment to explain. Love is complicated. Attraction is different than love. So far, Edward and Rosalie have a simple physical attraction towards one another. But that may, or may not, change over the course of this story. We know that it's uncommon, but it's the truth. Love doesn't work the way it does in common writings and fanfics. Just keep your mind at ease: everything works out in the end. We keep the canon pairings, because honestly? How could we ever get rid of Rose x Emmett, and Bella x Edward? The world would have to end first ;D

To: SmoothOperator; PlayNice

CC: PianoMan

From: BoxersOrBriefs

Subject: were ok

hi mom, dad… eddie:D emailing to let u kno were alright and settling in… the house is not exactly what we expected, and the roommates r GIRLS (my fault, long story) and i'll email l8r w/ details

love u, Emmett

To: SmoothOperator;PlayNice

CC: BoxersOrBriefs

From: PianoMan

Subject: RE: were ok

hey carlisle, esme, i apologize 4 emmett! he was remarkably tactless… as usual… and yeah, theres some weird stuff going on, but we can handle it fine! we did make it here ok, and jasper says hi. i promise to email l8r w/ more news…

Edward

To: BoxersOrBriefs; PianoMan

Subject: RE: RE: were ok

boys, in the future try not to upset your mother with… distressing email information. this could have been communicated to her much more calmly over the telephone. you may have noted she was not included in this email and neither of you is to forward it to her—is that clear? i love both of you very much, but TACT is important, boys. i strongly suggest sending an apology email to her very soon!

-carlisle

To: PlayNice

CC: SmoothOperator

From: BoxersOrBriefs

Subject: sorry mom!

hi mom, its emmett and edward, actually. were very sorry we upset you, and were doing fine, really!! well call l8r w/ all of the details, and we love you!!

-emmett and edward

Chapter Five: CONFERENCE! 

**RPOV**

I loved long, hot showers. Normally, they were wonderful things, but this shower—this particular shower—was absolutely amazing. Perhaps you need to be drenched in icy water at nine in the morning to really appreciate a long, hot shower with your favorite scent of shampoo, but that was something I was unwilling to try everyday. In fact, never again. Not even in the name of science. I'm an engineer, not a research scientist.

When I stepped out of the shower, I was appalled. Horror movie sound effects entered my mind as I looked around me. Was that… _fungus_ on the wall? EW!!

"Rose!" Alice was frowning, "I'm all wet! That shower curtain does _nothing_!"

"And I can see why," Bella drawled "there's a hole in it." She stretched it out to itsfull length and stuck her arm in the gaping wound in the drapery.

I burst out laughing**.** I couldn't help it. "Thank god that guy didn't come in."

The girls joined me in my laughter, and after _trying_ to look reasonably presentable in that… room, we retreated to the fortress.

Back in HQ, I dumped my stuff—no way was I leaving my toiletries in _there_**—**and barely had time to lie down to try and recover from my ordeal when Alice screamed at the top of her lungs, "CONFERENCE!"

"Eardrums, Alice, what have I told you about eardrums**?**" Bella groused.

Alice sighed. "That they sustain permanent damage…" she sulked.

"Very good. Cookie." Bella grabbed one of the remaining cookies from our road trip and threw it to Alice, who scarfed it down immediately.

"Mmm… food."

"Tough luck. Kitchen's in enemy territory."

"Damnit!"

"That's it" I fumed "this is _my _house- I paid 16.67 percent of the rent! I can go to the kitchen if I damn well please!"

"You go girl," Alice clapped me on the back, "You do that. I'll stay here. I can be your lookout!"

"Coward!!" I hauled the vanity back and stuck my head out the door to make sure the coast was clear- and was met by three death-glares.

"Never mind."

"What?" hissed Bella "You were about to do it!"

"_They_ were watching."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"GIRLS! YOU ARE FORGETTING THE POINT HERE! CONFERENCE TIME!!"

"Alice!! EARDRUMS!"

"Forget you and your lousy eardrums! Just buy a hearing aid, mmk? I'll even buy one for you! Just let me get my credit cards and…"

"No. Just no."

I sighed. We were clearly dysfunctional in the early hours of the morning (between seven and eleven a.m.!) "Okay, cool it girls… what were we here for again?"

"Ugh! I can't _stand_ this place!" Alice growled. "It's filthy, infested- with rats _and_ boys- broken, and to put it simply- ugly! Who in their right mind would decorate this place like... _this_?! The bathroom is a mess, we are barricaded in one room, our roommates _suck_! Well, two-thirds of them…" she trailed off, tilting her head to the left and adopting a dream**-**like**,** goopy smile.

"Alice? Alice!? Earth to Alice! Do you come in Alice!? Alice!... Look! JASPER!" Bella yelled in quick succession.

Alice let out a little shriek of alarm. "WHERE!? I'M NOT READY!"

"Ready?" I asked with a smirk. "I thought you were born ready."

"That's you honey, I, meanwhile, need time to make myself look _this_ good" she winked and continued "plus, I'm still in my jammies!"

"Hmm… you were in your jammies earlier, weren't you? I didn't see any complaints then…"

"It was dark! And he was in his jammies _too_!"

"Oohh… really now?" This opened previously closed avenues of inquiries. "Both in your jammies, were you? How… interesting…"

"Well, it was wonderful—"

"Ah-ah-ah!! NO!" I interrupted and wagged my finger. "Bad Alice! As part of your punishment, you don't get to tell us about it."

"But I wanna know-" Bella whined.

"No you don't."

"No, I don't. Right."

Alice gave me her round-eyed-puppy-dog-quivering-lip-full-on-pout. Luckily I had built up an immunity. Twin younger brothers will do that to a girl. Success! "Nice try, Alice, but no luck."

She subsided. We sat in silence for a moment before Bella spoke up. "Guys, can we do anything about that horror of a bathroom? If we don't, it'll be in my nightmares and the toilet will probably be trying to eat me…"

"T.M.I. Bella, T.M.I." Alice shuddered, but then brightened up considerably as an evil look crossed her face. "You know… we could fix that bathroom, but we'll need to… _buy stuff_, for it."

I laughed at her obvious plan. Poor, poor girl**,** going into credit card withdrawal already. "Easily done, I'll just grab _your_ credit cards and hold onto them during our trip." Bella and I certainly didn't have _that_ kind of money to spend. I had two little brothers at home who needed proper care. Every dollar I didn't spend was another dollar that went into _their_ college fund. I already was on financial aid and paying rent**.** I couldn't blow it on home improvement.No matter how desperately it was needed.

Alice practically burst into tears; her plan was foiled. I felt so bad, Alice shouldn't be this sad… ever! She was always the chipper one!

"You know what Alice? You can roll the cart. And pick what to buy." I compromised.

Alice and Bella gasped simultaneously.

"Really?" Alice's eyes were shining with hope and excitement.

"What have you _done_ Rose? What have you _done_!?"

"It's okay, Bella… I've still got the credit cards. So shall we do this thing?"

"Umm… what _is_ this thing,' again?" Bella's brow crinkled.

"Bella! We have _got_ to clean that bathroom."

"So we're going to go to a pharmacy and get cleaning stuff and clean it and make it safe from the guys with a few… personal touches…" Alice grinned. That girl was good.

"Precisely. Let's go." I turned to Bella. "Hold her while I get the credit cards?"

Bella jumped Alice and I ran out the door to my super-secret hiding spot. Luckily, the guys were no longer encamped in the living room as I grabbed the cards and jogged back into the room, where Bella was sitting on a squirming Alice.

"Okay, let's go."

We hauled the vanity back into its defensive position against the door and left through the window. There was no way we could let that Volterra scum enter our room.

* * *

We pulled into Fred Meyer One Stop Shopping Pharmacy off Thor Street. **(AN: We've never been here, but it's a real pharmacy in Spokane, Washington and we thought the name was perfect. If it doesn't have some of these items in stock, use suspension of disbelief, mmk?) ** I thought it was a ridiculously long name for a pharmacy, but we had to make do. I did, as promised, allow Alice to push to shopping cart, and I managed to restrain her from buying houseplants, and let her focus on cleaning supplies and our bathroom needs.

We picked up Windex, Tilex, soft-scrub rags, lotions, air fresheners, hand-soap, shampoo and conditioner, body wash—in all of our favorite scents**—**perfume, a new shower curtain—in pink, and those jerks could just deal—tile-grout-dirt-out, combs, extra brushes, more toothpaste, loofas, hand lotion, moisturizer, tissues, Q-tips, a Swiffer mop, and some other… products… those bastards should just _love_, but were necessary all the same. We also grabbed fruit-juice, chips, cookies, crackers, and some lollipops so we could keep on working through the day.

Alice was in heaven.

And we had some serious work to do.

**JPOV**

"Hah, I win" Edward smirked, collecting the cards again for another round. I sighed. He always seemed to know what was coming… and the more he won, the sulkier Emmett got. He paused mid-deal when the girls exited the bathroom in a cloud of steam. Edward and Emmett were riveted to Rosalie—they were such suckers for a cute blonde—but I only had eyes for Alice. She walked like an angel…and she winked at me! Just before vanishing into the girls' room, she turned slightly and mouthed, "later" to me. I felt a wave of sheer happy sweep through… and I was smiling.

Emmett made a grab for my shoulder. I flinched instinctively—_dad's hand, dad's fist_—before consciously relaxing myself. _Cool it, Whitlock. Cool it._ "So, Jazzy…" I waited for the inevitable teasing about sneaking out last night, I couldn't have gotten off that easily. "You hungry?"

Huh? Okay… thank God for Emmett's stomach. "Uh, didn't you eat three waffles an hour ago?"

"That was an hour ago! I'm hungry again…"

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "Well, I assume there are supermarkets in Spokane?"

"I think I saw a Safeway on the road into town."

"Brilliant! We can go and grab something, and maybe some lunch while we're out?"

"Yeah, Emmett… sure… whatever floats your boat." If the grocery store was what it took to make him happy, I could go to the grocery store.

Rosalie stuck her head out the door, and we all sent glares her way. Emmett's and Edward's motivation was likely related to the thwarted lust radiating off them, but mine was pure irritation. If I had to see one of the girls, why couldn't it be Alice?

We went out to the car, Emmett grumbling the whole way about how he couldn't wait until his car was shipped from Chicago. It was all the same to me**; **I certainly didn't own a car. We headed right on 2nd Avenue, and turned onto Division heading north. We found a Safeway after only about fifteen minutes of driving, and Emmett and I headed inside while Edward parked 'his baby' in the lot.

Emmett took charge immediately, delegating the carrying to me. Although he has his… stupid moments, Emmett never joked when it came to food. He was actually a really good cook—Edward and I had survived on his meals all throughout high-school.

"Okay. Since the kitchen sucks, I need stuff we can make without a lot of fancy equipment… at least until I get to a Williams-Sonoma. Or until Mom can ship my espresso machine, garlic press, teapot, fruit-juicer, and pasta spoons from home. And we might want to grab another frying pan and two or three pots somewhere—maybe a mixing bowl. And silverware. We need silverware."

"Aye, aye captain." Edward replied sardonically while throwing in a crisp salute.

Emmett began walking to the vegetable isle, and I trailed behind him.

By the time we escaped, I was carrying what felt like my own weight in food—bread, pasta, fruit, vegetables, sauces, cheese, sausages, chocolate, eggs, chicken, spices… you name it, I was carrying it**, **as long as it didn't need refrigeration. We'd also grabbed two big pots, a colander, and some stainless steel forks, knives, and spoons. Emmett had, of course, packed his wooden cooking spoon and his lucky frying pan… that boy never ceased to amaze me.

"So. We're going to have chicken parmesan tonight, and then I can whip up some sandwiches tomorrow…but since we can't refrigerate, I'll need to shop pretty often."

Edward had joined us, and was also carrying some bags**, **although not, I noticed**,** nearly as many as I was. "Whee…" He did not sound happy.

"Stop whining, Edward. If you want to eat, I have to shop. Okay?"

"Yeah, I get it, I get it…"

We trudged back to the Volvo, dumped the bags in the trunk and backseat—Emmett ended up sitting back there to make sure 'the mozzarella, eggs, and sauces traveled well'**—**whatever that meant**—**so I ended up riding shotgun.

We pulled into David's Pizza, just off Hamilton, and grabbed a large pie: half mushrooms, half mushrooms, sausage, and peppers. We ate slowly, not in any particular hurry**—**although Emmett was fussing about his mozzarella again**—**and drove back to the house. By the time we returned, it was nearly three o'clock. We unloaded the car**—**again, I seemed to end up with the heaviest bags**—**and dragged everything into the kitchen. The girls were in the bathroom, which was again inaccessible. However, we navigated the plank just fine**—**although there was a dangerous moment with Edward and a head of lettuce**—**and finally got our loot into the death-trap of a kitchen.

Before starting to prep for tonight**—**apparently chicken parmesan, especially in a microwave, required lots of work**—**we went into the bathroom to wash our hands. I wasn't about to touch the water that came out of the kitchen sink.

We left the kitchen and opened the south door; apparently the girls were still in their room. But all of our stuff lay in a heap in the hall. What the—where did they get off dumping our stuff out?! We opened the door, ready for a fight… but the bathroom that greeted our eyes was nothing like the one we'd left this morning.

"What. The. Hell?"

It was… hideous. Cleaner, which was a definite improvement**—**the tiles were, if not pristine, no longer quite so vile, and the spider webs were gone**—**but it was… girly.

It smelled like a perfume counter, the shower curtain was _pink_, and there was… girl stuff…everywhere. Bottles upon bottles of girl-glop and unguents, brushes and random shit like that covered every available surface. I almost preferred the older version. Behind me, I could hear Emmett's jaw drop.

"This is—what the—why—how—ahh!!" He pointed with a shaking finger at an innocent box on the toilet seat. "It's—it's—ewww!!"

"They're tampons, Emmett. Deal." I'd learned to ignore my little sister's… necessities… a long time ago. "They won't bite."

"But, but, but that's NASTY!! It'll contaminate the toilet!"

"Yeah." Edward chimed in, "this needs to go. Now." He reached down and picked up a handful of bottles, walked out and dropped them on the floor of the girl's side of the living room. I followed, picking up a bottle of—papaya body butter? What the hell? We'd made three trips each, and there was lots left in the bathroom when the girls noticed.

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing with my moisturizer?" Rosalie screamed at Edward.

Surprisingly, Emmett was the one who responded with a snarl, "Why the bloody hell do you need 'Sea Weed Pore-Cleansing Facial Exfoliator: for a clearer and more radiant complexion'? Your complexion is radiant alrea—" he cut off quickly and blushed.

"It needs regular exfoliation, and why the hell does it matter?! You have no right to go throwing out my stuff!"

"Oh, and you have a right to throw out ours?!" Edward yelled.

"Yes. It was unsightly." Alice beamed. I couldn't help it. I melted. Sure… she could throw out my shaving cream if that was what made her happy…as long as she was smiling. No. Focus, Whitlock! Today the shaving cream, tomorrow the soap! Give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile! They wouldn't dare to touch my soap…

"Regardless, you had no right." She looked so sad… no… no… focus, focus… save the soap! "It was _our_ stuff, in _our_ bathroom."

"Your bathroom? Last I checked, mister, we paid half of the rent, which means the house is half ours." Bella exploded.

"Sure, then stick to _your_ half!" Emmett retaliated.

"Excuse me?! We're allowed t-"

"CONFERENCE!" My angel sang.

"Jesus, Alice—eardrums!!" Bella snapped back. The girls huddled together conversing in quiet whispers.

"Okay" Rosalie emerged "let's find the tape measure."

Alice was in and out in a matter of seconds. "Here!" she held up a dressmaker's measure. It would work. Edward and Bella (one from each 'team') were placed in charge of measuring.

They bickered over who would hold what end, and sherefused to allow him into the girls room—how did we know they weren't cheating, he pointed out—but eventually returned a measurement. The house was divided exactly in half, lengthwise.

"We can have the left half" my angel said smoothly "because we're already sleeping there."

"Perfect. We'll take the right half." Emmett chimed in, winking at me, and nodding subtly towards the kitchen, which was in our half. Brilliant.

"What about the front door?" Edward said warily, narrowing his eyes slightly. The door was on _their_ side.

Bella spoke up, looking decisive. "Okay, you are allowed to take one step in any direction from the door. But _only_ one step, unless you are returning to your side of the house, agreed?"

"Agreed." That sounded fair. Edward and Bella shook hands, scowling at one another. Emmett ran and got the duct tape from his room**—**do I want to know why he packed duct tape?**—**and he and Rosalie laid down the tape line. It began on the north wall, right next to the door, and continued in a straight line through the bathroom, and then into the unusable room with twin beds. It finished flush against the south wall of the house.

"Done."

"Done."

**BPOV**

We were sitting in the bedroom, minding our own business and congratulating ourselves on a job well done—the bathroom looked loads better—when we heard… noises… outside. Rosalie and Alice dragged the vanity aside and we headed out: to see the boys destroying all of our hard work! They were dumping all of the stuff we'd purchased at the Pharmacy out onto the floor!

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing with my moisturizer?" Rosalie howled. They should not have messed with her moisturizer.

Emmett scowled at her, "Why the bloody hell do you need 'Sea Weed Pore-Cleansing Facial Exfoliator: for a clearer and more radiant complexion'? Your complexion is radiant alrea—" he stopped abruptly and blushed a dark red. How sweet… he was looking at her _face_!

"It needs regular exfoliation, and why the hell does it matter?! You have no right to go throwing out my stuff!" Rosalie was livid.

"Oh, and you have a right to throw out ours?!" Edward yelped. I tried to ignore how absolutely freakin' gorgeous he was. He's a jerk, Bella. A JERK!! Don't fall for the trap that is his pretty eyes…and hair… and jaw… and body… and hands... yum—NO! He's from Volterra, that automatically makes him a bastard, remember what that Volterra jerk did to Rose… no, no, ignore his amazing eyes… gaaaah…

"Yes. It was unsightly." Alice was smiling, completely missing out on any reason that would be an issue… I loved that girl.

"Regardless, you had no right." The blonde guy had a kind of dazed look on his face. "It was _our_ stuff, in _our_ bathroom."

That did it. I was pissed now. "Your bathroom? Last I checked, mister, we paid half of the rent, which means the house is half ours."

"Sure, then stick to _your_ half!" Emmett snapped

"Excuse me?! We're allowed t-"

"CONFERENCE!" Alice screeched.

"Jesus, Alice—eardrums!!" Would she ever learn?

She grabbed Rosalie and I and began whispering. "Guys, we could definitely come out on top of this. The house is big- we don't need all of it."

Rosalie grabbed Alice's shoulders and started shaking her. "I need that shower Alice!" she hissed "I _need_ hot water in the morning!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rosie, don't have a cow" she replied confidently. "I'll make sure it's on _our_ half."

Rosalie immediately relaxed, but I still had my doubts. "What about the kitchen? We will need to eat you know."

"Are you seriously willing to eat anything coming out of that kitchen?"

"Good point."

"So, divide it in two lengthwise. That works."

"Okay," Rosalie raised her voice loud enough for the jerks to hear. "Let's find a tape measure."

Alice ran into our room to get hers—a fashion major needed one. "Here!"

Edward and I were given the task of measuring. My heart skipped about a million beats when he touched my hand accidentally. Just physical attraction, Bella. Just physical attraction. Doesn't mean anything. Who wouldn't be attracted to a guy _this_ good looking? But I would not let him get the best of me. I would re-measure, double-check, and be completely anal about our living space. I was fighting for the girls!

He got really snippy when I refused to allow him into our room. Tough, Mr. I'm So Cute. Nobody gets to see the Wizard, not nobody not no how! Although if Dorothy had been as cute as this guy…

"We can have the left half" Alice grinned like a cat with the cream, "because we're already sleeping there."

"Perfect. We'll take the right half." Emmett added, winking at Jasper, and nodding not quite so subtly towards the kitchen. Morons.

"What about the front door?" Edward asked. He looked suspicious.

I had a great idea. Contrary to popular belief, I do have some once in a while. "Okay, you are allowed to take one step in any direction from the door. But _only_ one step, unless you are returning to your side of the house, agreed?" That way we could all get in without too much drama.

"Agreed."

Edward and I shook hands, and I refrained from swooning with a great force of effort. At least living with these bastards would definitely be easy on the eyes, and improve my willpower to boot.

"Done." I said, trying not to directly meet his gaze.

"Done."

* * *

Later, we were in our room celebrating our victory with hamburgers ordered from Burger Royal (they had left a little menu thingy on the doormat). Jasper had answered the door first, and had _attempted_ to hold our dinner hostage, but Agent Alice Supreme cracked him like a nut with a few well chosen words and a smile. As a reward for her brilliant strength of purpose**,** we allowed her to tell us all about what happened last night.

"Well… I pulled him aside when we were all checking out the house, and told him to meet me outside at midnight. He was so sweet, he blushed—he actually blushed, Bells!"

"Lovely," Rosalie muttered, seeming a bit distant.

"Shush! And so I snuck out—"

"Scaring the bejeezus out of us!"

"I said I was sorry, already! Let me finish, woman!!"

"Sorry…"

"I met him outside and we went for breakfast—"

"At one a.m.?!" Alice glared at me until I subsided. "Shutting up now."

"And we had breakfast and he was lovely—a gentlemen. We talked about…everything… and then we came back and he said good night. And I kissed him."

"On the first date?! Alice!"

"Bella, what have I told you about interrupting!! I know, it was fast, but he was really sweet, so we were… um… kissing—"

Rosalie perked up a bit, "With tongue?"

"Rose! Why do you need to know?! And yes."

"I need to know because if you didn't give him that hickey, someone else did."

"He wouldn't do that, Rosalie."

"He's a boy. This means he's a jerk. He's a Volterra boy. This means he's scum of the earth."

"ROSALIE!"

"Alice, you know I'm right…"

"Just because Royce—" Oh shit… this was bad. We tried not to mention him, ever. Alice realized her mistake. "Sorry Rose! I didn't mean it—it slipped out!! I'm so sorry, soo—"

"Obviously you were thinking it, or you wouldn't have said it." Rosalie's voice was icy. "Are you trying to say I'm paranoid, Alice?"

"No, I'm really not—I was just—I didn't—" Alice threw me a pleading glance.

"You know what she meant, Rosalie." I laid a hand on my friend's shoulder. For all of the tough exterior, she was so brittle on the inside: one good blow and she would shatter.

The beautiful blonde girl took a deep breathe. "It's okay, Alice. I know what you meant. And I suppose I am a bit… over cautious, sometimes."

"No, I'm too trusting. I can be silly like that. I just don't want to think that Jasper would do that. To anyone. Not just to me. I feel like I know him, like I've been waiting my whole life for him—like I've always known him."

I decided it was time to cut in, with a wee bit of caution, "Alice, I'm not saying he's not a great guy, because I'm sure he is, he seems really nice,"**—**unlike Edward and Emmett--"but I want you to slow down a little. Guys can seem really great and be…" the memory of Royce was in all of our heads, "not really great. So just, watch yourself. Okay?"

She nodded. "I see where you guys are coming from. I promise I'll be careful."

We dropped the conversation and devoted ourselves to our hamburgers. A questioned brewed in the back of my mind, but I waited until I swallowed before asking. Manners mattered. "Are you going to see him again?"

"Yeah. We live in the same house!"

"Haha, moving in with a guy before marrying him. Tut-tut Alice" Rosalie joked, seeming to regain her good humor.

"Rose!! You know what I mean!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…"

"But sure, I'm gonna see him again tomorrow, if it's… okay with you guys?"

I sighed. "Be home by midnight."

She stuck her tongue out at me. We all laughed.

_Maybe_ this would be survivable… maybe…

**A/N: **_**The 3**__**rd**__** movie which is better than the second but not as good as the first**_

**Justin: **now, since you people seem to love guessing things…

**Tequila: **WHERE do you think Rose is hiding Alice's credit cards??

**Justin:** winner gets a mention and a cookie… and

**Tequila:** bragging rights, duh:D

**Justin:** now, just spreading some love: we have over 100 reviews for this story!!

**Tequila: **this makes us feel so special, you have no idea:D

**Justin**: thanks, y'all… and feel free to drop us another ;)

**Tequila:** on this or any of our other, very good, stories --shameless self-promotion--


	6. Battles And Bargains

**Author's Note:**

**Tequila:** hi… long time no see… hehehe…

**Justin:** yeah, sorry about that!

**Tequila:** we are bugs. We apologizeth.

**Justin:** we promise it will never take so long again!! We had two different, very long vacations, the beginning of school… and we're lazy…

**Tequila:** lazy lazy lazy lazy:D

**Disclaimer:** we might have owned Twilight, but we have proved how unworthy we are by taking so long to update…

**Lucky Guessers**: talent2max and blackblade94, The Lime-Wielding-Ninja, xtwilightx4xlyfx, dorkmuffin111… very clever, people!! (if you want to know what they guessed… well… you can either read through the reviews, or be patient ;D)

**A/N AGAIN: **

**Tequila:** justin?! another serious A/N?? how could you!!

**Justin:** sorry, tequila, sorry, guys… but we received a review that I thought deserved to be responded to—yes, we do know that Washington University is in Seattle, not Spokane! But for logistical purposes, we wanted to set our story in Spokane, and for creative purposes, we wanted the college to be WU…

**Tequila:** creative license, k? ;)

**Justin: **just wanted to clear that up… on with the chapter!

To: O'HaraWishesSheHadMyConfederateCred

From: StarsAndBars

Subject: settling in

martha, i made it here alright, so u don't need to worry any more (i know u too well, don't i?) and i have settled in fine see subject :). are u doing well at aunt custis's? remember not to let ur cousins bully u, and i hope u will do well at ur new school. please, call me on my cell (the apartment doesn't have a phone, it turns out—it's actually kind of a dump, and kind of a long story) if there's anything wrong, anything u want, or anything u need 2 talk about, u kno im always here for u, baby-girl. email back and let me kno ur alright as soon as u can, u kno i'll worry…

-jasper

To: C.Swan; InterstellarTraveller724

From: Mrs.Darcy

Subject: hi

hi mom, hi dad. i made it to WashU fine, and tho there's been a bit of trouble w/ roommates (nothing u need to worry about) alice and rosalie and i are doing great.

-Bella

To: BoxersOrBriefs

From: Angelgirl

Subject: talk

hey emmett! i keep calling u but ur phone's been off a lot:( i hope the roomie sitch has improved some… life in chicago is the same as usual… i really want to talk to u about something, so can we arrange a time 2 call?

-angie, missing u lots!

To: Angelgirl

From: BoxersOrBriefs

Subject: re: talk

of course we can find a time to talk, angie! i am sooo sorry—there isn't a phone in the dump of a house, of course, so ive been turning my cell off 2 save battery. when do you wanna call, let's find a time that works!

-emmett, missing u 2!

**Bathroom Battles and Bourgeoisie Bartering**

**BPOV**

I was wrong. This would kill me. Soon. And very painfully. This place was scarier at night…. Rose and Alice had already gotten prepared for bed**;** there was strength in numbers. Plus, each of their nightly rituals took so long that I refused to go with them. Smart move, right? _Someone_ needed to guard the window. We didn't have another vanity handy you know! Oh sure, we also needed the air…

So that left me. Alone. At eleven o'clock… p.m. braving the No-Mans'-Land in between our territories. Curse oral hygiene…

Well the sooner I got this over with, the sooner I could return to safety. I grasped the handle to the bathroom and turned…

"AH!!" came the twin screams of Edward and me. We both flinched and turned around, scared out of our wits. I squared my shoulders. I was not about to be chased out of _my _bathroom. Turning back decisively, I strode over to the sink, with Edward watching my progress like I was an animal on the nature channel. Ignore him, Bella, ignore the hot, hot, man currently leaning on the door frame less than four feet away from you, with his muscled arms crossed over his chest, and his amazing bronze hair mussed and kind of falling in one eye… oh no. Ignore him.

I resolutely turned the tap. The water would distract me. Good water. Hot water. Almost as hot as the guy leaning on the doorframe with his hair and- NO!!

"Excuse me" he said politely, with a small smirk on his face. Holy hell. He was three inches away. He was holding his toothbrush and toothpaste… stupid guy toothpaste. Stupid oral hygiene, I don't know what I ever saw in you!

I moved over closer to the shower to give him space, and for a moment there was a peaceful quiet. We brushed our teeth in harmony. I was glad the silence wasn't frozen with tension or awkwardness. We were probably too tired for fractiousness, but for once I was glad I didn't have to be on my guard. I leaned down to spit and… oh no, he did not.

"Isabella! I am _so_ sorry!" He actually looked apologetic, but not enough. There was toothpaste _in my hair!_ AND he called me _Isa_bella. Plus, he had the gall to apologize like he meant it. The bastard.

"What the hell was that for?! What did I ever do to you?!" I was tired of all of this. At that point I didn't want to be anywhere near him. "You know what? Just get back to _your_ side of the bathroom! Get off my territory!!"

"_My_ side of the bathroom?? _Your _territory?! The sink is neutral! There is no line on the sink!"

"Well maybe there should be!" I grabbed Rose's lipstick out of the medicine cabinet—sorry Rose. I'll use your cheaper lipstick, I promise—and continued the line already on the floor up the basin of the sink, between the two faucets and splitting the mirror in half. "_Get back on your side."_

"You drew that in _lipstick! _How does that count?! It's not even straight!"

"Fine! Get your precious duct tape and redraw it! But you're still on _our _side. Now _leave_; thanks to you, I need another shower!"

He opened his mouth to spit back a retort, but seemed to think better of it. _Yeah, that's right hotness, FEAR ME! _"Fine," he replied rather calmly, but his green eyes were blazing bloody murder. With that, he left.

Great, there goes my valuable sleeping time.

**EPOV**

The chicken parmesan was really good**,** especially considering it came from a microwave. Emmett really knew his stuff. We might not starve after all!

"Tanya dumped me." I said gloomily.

"We know." Emmett answered with his mouth full.

"But why!!" I wailed dramatically.

Jasper sighed. "Edward, do you remember what she said to you on the phone?"

"…yeah?"

"Well isn't it obvious?"

"…no?"

"Okay, Tanya was obviously feeling inadequate because you guys are leaving for different colleges. In her mind, that said you weren't as committed to the relationship as she was, and Tanya wasn't sure how well a long-distance relationship would work. I heard how many times she called you- let me guess, she started obsessing about exactly _what time_ you called her back?"

"…yeah?"

"So she's already upset, and you're not responding to her signals of distress. Tanya interprets this as a lack of interest in your relationship, which only further heightens her insecurities. Then, when you didn't call back exactly when you said you would, she started to panic. And I'm sure with your… typical tact, you informed her about our roommate predicament."

"…yeah?"

"So she came to a conclusion. You were away, with 'gorgeous' roommates, with only your guy friends, and the occasional phone call from her to 'make you behave.' Plus, you never replied to her phone calls. Tanya was always the one calling you, you were only infrequently the one to initiate contact. She already had trust issues coming into the relationship because of her last boyfriend. Remember Royce?"

"…yeah?"

"Well that prick cheated on her with some Denali bimbo, so that _must've_ been a low blow. Remember? Tanya was still probably reeling with insecurity. What conclusion is she going to jump to when you call her to tell her that you'll be in a house full of girls?"

"….oh."

"Whoa, that rocked Jasper!" Emmett was in awe.

"Oh yeah, I can be deep." Jasper grinned.

Emmett clasped Jasper's shoulder, and the grin faded. "You think if I was a psyche major, I'd be good with girls?"

"…no."

Jasper shrugged off Emmett's hand, "Sorry, Emmett. I think you're a hopeless cause."

Emmett laughed heartily and returned to eating.

"…but _why_!! Why did she dump me?"

"Edward!" Jasper was exasperated, "I just _told_ you."

"You didn't say _why_…"

"She. Thought. You. Were. Cheating. On. Her." Jasper replied slowly, drawing the words out like he was speaking to a five year old.

"….oh. But _why_!! She was _wrong! _I could call her, and explain, and we could get back together and—"

"You didn't even like her Edward."

"…but she dumped me."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Edward, go brush your teeth. Stop thinking about her, because if you get back together it won't be better. It'll be work. Don't go into remission Edward!! DON'T GO CRAWLING BACK!"

He was right! I am Edward Anthony Masen—I crawl for nobody! I was single, I was free, and I was rid of Tanya. It was unfortunate, but she was the one who… dumped… me. Teeth. Now.

"Thanks Jasper. Bye Emmett." I left to get my toothpaste and brush while the guys behind me argued why only Jasper was thanked.

Once I grabbed by tooth-washing-equipment, I walked across the tiny hall, into the room with the twin beds, and grabbed the door to the bathroom.

"AHH!!" Bella was opening the other door, and she looked just as surprised as I was. I recovered first, and, leaning nonchalantly against the doorframe, paused to watch her. She was really very attractive, in a kind of subtle way. Very nice eyes. And hair. And cheekbones. And hands. And ears. And eyes—did I mention eyes already? And a great body, not that I was looking. Much. Not that she was looking at me—in fact, she was deliberately ignoring me. Hmmph. That wasn't very nice. I walked up behind her where she was studiously brushing her teeth.

"Excuse me?" I smiled at her. We had gotten off to the wrong foot earlier… I had been upset about Tanya, and I had been rude. There was no need to assume that every girl from the Denali School was as horrible as _Victoria._ We began to brush our teeth at the same time. This was actually kind of nice, kind of peaceful, very quiet. I could get used to this. I leaned down to spit just as she—oh shit. I really hadn't meant to do that! I had a moment of panic—didn't she ask to be called Isabella not Bella? I couldn't remember—

"Isabella, I am _so_ sorry!"

She just glared at me. Oh, shit, shit… that had been a _complete_ accident!

"What the hell was that for?**!**" She looked really mad. "What did I ever do to you?**!** You know what? Just get back to _your_ side of the bathroom! Get off my territory!!"

What was she going onabout? "_My_ side of the bathroom?? _Your _territory?! The sink is neutral! There is no line on the sink!"

"Well maybe there should be!" She picked up—was that lipstick?!—and continued the line all over the sink, fuming. "_Get back on your side."_

"You drew that in _lipstick! _How does that count**?**! It's not even straight!"

"Fine! Get your precious duct tape and redraw it! But you're still on _our _side. Now _leave_; thanks to you, I need another shower!"

I was about to argue, but she scared me. In this mood, she wasn't going to listen to anything I could say. We could talk about this—calmly and rationally—in the morning. "Fine," I snapped, and turned on my heel and left. By the time I got back into the kitchen, where Jasper and Emmett were guzzling melting ice-cream out of the carton, I was grumpy again.

"I don't recommend braving the bathroom tonight, guys. Brush your teeth in the kitchen sink." The looked up at me. "Apparently the line now extends all the way through the bathroom sink."

This was juuust peachy…

**APOV**

Bella returned from the bathroom absolutely furious, muttering something incoherent about toothpaste and hot hair and nerve and lipstick. She was definitely not in the mood to talk, so Rosalie and I prepared for bed in silence, only talking enough to ascertain that, yes, I would be staying in the room tonight. I was not about to risk losing my credit cards for longer than they would already be away from me… I missed them already… their shininess, and availableness, and little plastic numbers… I drifted off to sleep thinking of them, and dreaming of Bloomingdales. And Jasper in Bloomingdales…

--

The next morning we ate a meager breakfast **-- **we need to visit a real grocery store soon **-- **and got dressed with a minimum of fuss. I was wearing an absolutely adorable little baby**-**doll dress**;** perfect for a day spent relaxing indoors. We set up just outside of our door, on our side of the living room, with my TV and all the blankets from both of the beds. The boys were there too, and I tried not to be too obvious about ogling Jasper…

That man was too yummy for his own good.

I would have to beat other girls off with a stick.

After about a half-hour the big one got up and laid the plank across the hole, preparing to cross. What? This side of the chasm was ours!

"Excuse me, Emmett, what do you think you're doing?"

"Uh, going to the…bathroom?"

"Why?" He had his own way to get to the bathroom**,** one that didn't involve entering our territory.

"'Cause I wanna take a shower?"

"Nope. The shower is on _our_ side of the line."

Rosalie was smirking by this point, and Bella started laughing silently.

"Huh?"

"No. Shower. For you. Got it?"

"But… but… but…"

Bella joined in, now finished with her laughing fit, "Maybe you should have thought of this before you grabbed the right half of the house, hmm?"

Jasper and Edward were now glaring at Emmett, who had been the one to select their half of the house—not that any of them would have had any luck against my superior negotiation skills. Rosalie was now doing her victory dance behind me, and Emmett and Edward's eyes were glazing over. She was _really _glad that we had the shower.

"But that's not fair!" Emmett was definitely not a negotiator.

"It was part of the deal, remember? You settled for it." I reminded him with a pleasant smile on my face.

Edward was practically growling, although his eyes were still a little glazed, because Rose was… still doing her victory dance.

"Rose? Your… assets… are showing." They weren't, not really, but she should stop now. Before one or both of the boys had a seizure. Jasper wasn't looking… he was looking at me…

"Pshhh… I have the shower! Nothing else matters! THE SHOWER ALICE! THE HOT WATER SHOWER!! MWUAHAHAHAHA!!"

Now Emmett was almost salivating and Edward's head was slightly tilted, his mind clearly in an alternate universe. One that involved him and Rose and a lot of hot water. Someone needed to save this girl from herself.

Bella sighed. "Rosalie? Room. Nowish."

"Okay, okay, one last step." She did a quick jig-step. "Okay, I'm good." With that, she proceeded to dance her way over to our room, Emmett and Edward unabashedly staring at her waving hips. Poor, poor fools. They'd learn soon enough.

Back at the room, we quickly took stock of the situation. The prognosis was not good.

"Ladies, the prognosis is not good." I murmured.

"This place is a dump."

"Those guys are jerks."

"I have no credit cards!"

"We're in a walking death trap."

"I need to eat sometime."

"I have no credit cards!!"

"Did you see the way they were _staring _at me? Let me dance in peace!"

"They are such pigs."

"I have _no _credit cards!!"

"I think we need to fumigate this house."

"There's a freaking hole in the floor!"

"I have _no credit cards!!_"

"I am STARVING."

"Toothpaste**!** In my hair!"

"_I HAVE NO CREDIT CARDS!!_"

There was a pause.

"Honey, we heard you the first time."

"And the second…. And third…"

"But I _have no credit cards_!"

Sigh…

"Alright, enough wallowing." Rose had her determined face on and her jaw was jutting out mulishly. But we could both see the fear in her eyes. "Let's do something about this."

There was a pause. "Like what?"

"Well, since lobotomies are illegal, and the grocery store is on the way to the hard ware store. I say we get some food, load up on some tools, and start repairing this… tomb."

"Sounds good Rose," Bella said with a somewhat shaky voice. "But you forgot something. We're not repairmen! Or even repairwomen!"

"We'll figure something out."

"Well we can't spend the day just moping around here for the next month!" Little did they know, I was just saying this because I was excited to see my shiny babies again. Yay credit card children! "We could at least try this. Plus, I'm hungry. Very hungry." I may be small, but I have a large appetite, and one bag of Chips Ahoy cookies was not going to cut it for breakfast.

We decided to find the nearest Home Depot and go shopping **--** SHOPPING!! **--** for repair supplies. Our first priority would be making the master bedroom livable, which meant fixing the chandelier **-- **ah, my beautiful, beautiful chandelier with all of its dangly shiny grandeur **--** and, hopefully, getting some hot water in that bathroom**.** Rosalie brightened up immediately when Bella mentioned the water. I think she has a fixation, but that's okay because she is the only one who knows _where my credit cards are!_ But I'm okay. I am Zen. I am doing deep breathing. I will be fine. Zen…

"So I'll go grab the credit cards—Bella, hold Alice—"

Screw Zen. I want my credit cards!!

**EPOV**

We sat, dejected, on the sofa after the girls had vanished into their hideout. "Brilliant. No shower."

Jasper frowned. "I don't like being dirty. Edward! What do we do?"

Since when was this my problem? Yesterday, he treats me like a child, today, he asks me for advice. Grrr…

"Okay. what we need to do is, is…" I glanced around for inspiration, and wouldn't you know it—my gaze landed on the hole in the floor, "we need to fix this place up. It's a dump. The kitchen must be repaired!"

"Yes! I can not be expected to work in this dismal atmosphere!" Emmett proclaimed, very self-righteously "I am not a simple line-cook, I am a chef!"

"…That's nice Emmett. But I _still _don't like being dirty." Jasper replied sardonically.

At that moment, something clicked.

"Besides, Chef Emmett… all of this is _your_ fault!"

Jasper looked enraged "This is true! You mislead us, with your 'negotiation skills'. You're a… a misleading misleader!"

"Wow Jasper, your insults do me much harm." Emmett drawled. "Besides, I never claimed to have 'super negotiation skills.' I cook stuff, I shoot aliens on monitors, and I blow stuff up. That's it."

"Can I say again that I constantly marvel at the fact that you acquired **-- **and hung onto **--** a girlfriend?"

Great. Another reminder of the fact that while I had acquired a girlfriend, I had not hung onto her. Emmett looked disproportionally upset as well—he usually shrugged off our taunts. Odd. I wondered what was wrong, but honestly I felt like I already knew. He had to be missing Angie more than he let on.

"Okay. Okay. This is not helping. Do we want to seriously try and fix this dump up? It'll be a lot of work… and a lot of money."

"I think mom and dad will cover us, Edward." Emmett, for the first time in several days, looked rather serious. None of us mentioned the fact that Jasper wouldn't be able to contribute any cash. We were good at not bringing up uncomfortable topics. And Carlisle and Esme would probably be glad to pay for renovations**.** Esme **--** an interior decorator and restorer of old houses **--** would be overjoyed, come to think of it.

"Wouldn't it be smarter to, to hire somebody? We don't know anything about this kind of stuff." Jasper frowned.

"Nah… I've seen mom go at it… it's not that hard." Emmett dismissed Jazz's concerns with a wave of his hand. "Edward and I used to help her out when we were home… we'd hold the paint cans and everything."

"So… what should we do? Just, uh, go to Home Depot or something and buy a bunch of stuff… and fix things?"

"No, we proceed in an orderly fashion to our nearest Home Depot, and ask an employee's opinion on what we should acquire, purchase home improvement materials, and return here to commence repairs."

"So… what I just said?"

"Basically, yeah. But I sounded cooler."

"Man, you sounded like a prick!"

"Shut up."

"Guys, seriously?" I broke in "Are we fighting like children now?"

They were briefly united as they turned to face me.

"Have you not known us both for years?"

"Right. My bad." I paused for a moment, but their little squabble seemed to be mostly over. "So. Home Depot?"

Emmett nodded vigorously. "Yep."

We were already dressed, although we had had to forego morning showers… wonderful. We eventually decided, after some more bickering, that our first priority ought to be getting the room with the twin beds **--** which was mostly ours, although about four feet from the eastwall 'belonged' to the girls **--** livable, which would require patching a hole in the roof and in the wall, and replacing both mattresses. Then we should do something about the kitchen;a working oven and refrigerator and clean water in the sink would be a godsend. With that completed, we could expand slightly—Emmett and I were _not_ looking forward to another night on the floor, wrapped in blankets**—**and with the kitchen up and running, we would have a bargaining chip to trade for shower time. In theory, anyway. Those girls had to eat sometime…

We were all ready and just walking through the living room towards the door, when the girls exited their room, quite literally creating a doorjam…

"_Where_ are you guys going?" Isabella looked _pissed_. Great.

"I really don't think that it's any of your business, actually. If we want to go—"

"Home Depot." I turned to Jasper. What was he thinking—oh. He was staring at Alice, his expression slightly dazed. Juuust great.

Rosalie scowled. "No way. _We _are going to Home Depot. You'll just have to wait."

"I'm sorry, I guess you missed the memo—this is a free country, Miss Denali School. We can go wherever we want, whenever we want." Whoa, Emmett, a bit unnecessarily harsh, don't you think?

The tiny brunette that had Jazz neatly twisted around her finger looked thoughtful for a moment. "Look, if we're all going to Home Depot for the same reason—I assume you guys want to fix this shack up? Then we might as well… cooperate. Just for now."

"_Cooperate_?" Rosalie turned her head towards Alice with a look of horror on her face.

"Hang on just a moment." The girls went into a huddle.

I turned to Emmett and Jasper, and murmured "I think we should do it." They nodded, Jasper with slightly more enthusiasm.

The girls emerged from their huddle, the blonde with a look of intense calculation on her face. "Truce?"

"Truce." Emmett reached out and shook Rosalie's hand. We all headed out to our cars, still a bit wary. I don't think I had previously fully processed their car. Whoa.

It was gorgeous—bright red BMW M3 convertible, top of the line, with… whoa again, SMG shift paddles and _really_ nice side grills. I blinked several times, and then turned to look at Rosalie, who was getting in the front seat with a definite possessive air about her.

"Is that—that's quite a car."

"Thanks. I did all of the work on it myself."

No way. I glanced over at Emmett, who appeared to be in a state of shock, and then grabbed his arm, towing him over to my Volvo. Jasper was already in the passenger seat, so I shoved Emmett towards the back and hopped in the front seat myself. We ended up following them to the Home Depot, and it was difficult to keep my eyes on the road, not on the gorgeous, gorgeous car in front of us.

**RPOV**

I was thinking, hard, the entire time we drove to the Home Depot, while Alice was yelling out instructions from her phone (hurrah for Google Map!). Alice had told me it would be smart to get them on our side—we would need someone to do the heavy lifting. We couldn't stonewall them forever. They were dicks, sure… but—and I swallowed hard before admitting this, even to myself—perhaps I was overreacting a bit. Plus, they were dicks we had to live with. By the time we pulled up in the parking lot of the Home Depot, I had resolved that I would at least try to be convivial. Edward and Jasper didn't seem _too _bad. Emmett was cute, but a complete jerk. That was fine by me. If he didn't want to play nice, I could play mean.

We convened inside the store. Alice took command… but that was only to be expected.

"Alright. We need to fix the chandelier in the master bedroom, and buy a lock.Everything else can wait… including the abyss in the living room.What about you guys?"

"We want to fix the holes in the roof and the wall in the room with the twin beds. We also need to purchase two mattresses and a refrigerator. And a lot of cleaning supplies."

She nodded solemnly. "I think we should split up into teams of girl and boy—so that there's no… discrepancies." I nodded. We wanted to be able to keep an eye on them.

"Discrepancies?" Emmett looked murderous. Hmmph.

"We want to keep an eye on you, duh." Ok, so tact was maybe something to work on for me.

"Oh, please. We at least have some experience. I bet none of you _girls_" he made it sound like a curse, "have ever done anything remotely like this."

"I'll have you know I am an engineering major. I happen to know more about wiring than all of you put together." How dared he _patronize _me? The bastard.

"Ohh, don't we think we're special. Engineering major or not, I'd bet money you've never done a major construction project."

"Oh, hmm, let me think—does _building the car outside from scrap metal_ count?"

He stared at me, looking even more like a stunned, inebriated three-toed-sloth than normal. A really hot stunned, inebriated three-toed-sloth, though… arrghh… no. Just when I was working up to say something really scathing, Bella cut in, "Guys. Please. Teams of two, okay?"

Alice nodded, looking efficient. "Jasper and I will work together… Rosalie, you and—"

"Edward." I was _not _going to work with Mr. Mean Emmett Jerk.

"Fine. That means Emmett and Bella will be together. Alright?" _Sorry, Bella. But better you than me._

"Rose, can you be in charge of getting the equipment we'll need for the chandelier, since you're our wiring expert," _Nice, _Alice, very subtle, very good, "and the refrigerator. Bella and Emmett can get the heavy lumber and tools for fixing the roof and the walls, and a lock, please, Bells. You know what we need." She nodded. "And we," Alice gestured to Jasper, "will get the mattresses and the cleaning supplies." She looked ecstatic at the thought of shopping.

"Fine, Alice, but I'm keeping the credit cards."

She pouted for a moment or two, but then gave up and began to drag the tall blonde boy off to the area she obviously longed to be in. I jerked my head toward Edward, and walked off to where I could find what I needed. I left Bella behind with the devil incarnate, only mouthing a 'good luck' before I left.

Edward caught up with me almost immediately**; **he was pretty fast. "What are you, some kind of track star?"

He looked startled. "Yeah."

It figured. Stupid Volterra boys, smug and superior and smirking, perfect exterior hiding the rottenness within. "And I bet you have a whole passel of screaming little fan girls, don't you? Probably makes it easier—you don't even have to choose, they're right there, begging to be turned into one-night-stands."

He frowned. "Look, Rosalie, I don't know what your problem is, but I'm guessing it's not actually with me. Why do you assume I'm automatically some kind of jerk?"

His question took me aback. God. Was I really that—"Well, you haven't exactly been a saint. You insulted us the first moment you met us, without any provocat—"

"Yeah. About that." He sighed. "I was out of line… I was… dealing with some stuff at the time, and I probably wasn't, as, uh, courteous. As I should have been."

"No shit, Sherlock. 'Stuff?' What kind of 'stuff?'"

"Not that it's any of your business, but some stuff with my… ex-girlfriend, now, I guess."

"Ha. Let me guess, you cheated?"

He turned around suddenly and slammed his fist into the wall we were passing, looking suddenly murderous. Whoa. "_What_ is it with girls and making goddamn assumptions about my fidelity or lack thereof?" He looked down to meet my eyes—that was another thing, I was pretty used to being tall, but all of these guys was at least my height—and practically snarled, "I am _not_ the kind of guy who cheats, is that _clear_?"

"Hey, back off, I was just… working with previous experience." We had reached the section of Home Depot where I was most likely to find what I needed.

He sighed. "Is every other guy in the world some kind of cheating ass? Because that's exactly what Tanya thought, without any kind of—"

"T-tanya." My breathing slowed. "T-tanya Vasiliovitch?" Oh, God. The world really does have a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?

He looked at me oddly. Well, I was acting a bit strange. "Yeah, it's not that common a name. Do you know her?"

"You could… say that. Tanya was your last girlfriend?" He nodded. "And you were _surprised_ that she was suspicious as hell? Royce King," I spat out the name, "is enough to turn anyone into a suspicious bitch."

"How do _you_ know about King? And how do you know Tanya?"

I sighed. I did _not_ want to get into this. Ever. But… something—and I couldn't say what, not if my car depended on it—was telling me that now was the right time, that the shelves of Home Depot were the right place, that Edward-the-guy-from-the-Volterra-school was the right guy. I swallowed hard. "How much do you know about, about King and Vasiliovitch and all that shit?"

"Uh… he was dating Tanya, at some point he started cheating on her with two different Denali girls, and one of them was _Victoria_ _Riley_," interesting, he sounded like he hated the bitch almost as much as I did, "who eventually told Tanya, and I guess the other Denali girl, and there was a pretty nasty argument, and…" his voice trailed off a bit, "I ended up being the one who helped Tanya get back on her feet, and… we started dating."

I took a deep breath. _Go on, Rosalie Lillian Hale, tell him._ "I was the 'other Denali girl.' And Victoria Riley is up there with my mother in contention for biggest bitch in the world. And Royce King… do you remember when his brakes went out about two months later?"

He frowned. I'd surprised him. "Yeah, he broke his arm, and he and his dad went ballistic about foul play, but nothing was ever proven, they said it was probab—" he broke off and stared at me. I nodded, slowly, and grinned. "No fucking way."

I shrugged. "I have a temper."

He shook his head in disbelief, "He broke his _arm_."

"Yeah. Shame it wasn't his neck." I meant what I said. It felt good to tell him."Do you think this wire is high-temp**? **It doesn't seem to say on the label." I reached out to pick it up, but stopped dead when I felt his hand on my arm.

"You can't have gotten over it that easily. I mean, revenge is great, but… Tanya still gets, I dunno, touchy."

I shrugged him off. "_Why_ do you care?"

He grinned. He _was_ kind of cute, when he wasn't scowling. "I'm a nice guy sometimes, so sue me. Seriously, though, he's a bastard."

"Ha. You're telling me?"

"Hey, just corroborating. I did go to school with him for four years, and let me tell you… all of the guys I know that have half a brain share your opinion of him."

"And would a certain red-headed, black-hearted bitch whose initials are V and R have anything to do with your 'all Denali girls are spoiled bitches' attitude?"

He had the grace to glance down. "Possibly."

"Hhmmph. How about this**:** I will accept that Royce is not a good sample if you will accept that Victoria is equally bad. And we can… start over."

He nodded. "I'd like that."

"Good. Now I need some electrical tape. Let's go."

**EMPOV**

After Jasper and Edward had abandoned me, I turned slightly to look at Bella. Well. She was… better than the peppy little brunette, who annoyed the hell out of me. And waay better than being alone with Rosalie. Sure she was gorgeous, but… that was just the problem. I _had_ a girlfriend. A really sweet, really nice girlfriend, who… was in Chicago.

"So. What was that all about?"

"Huh?" I blinked. Bella was peering at me oddly. Did I look _that_ out of it?

"I'm not stupid, Emmett. Why did you just explode at Rosalie?"

Oooh, no. We were _not_ getting into that. Not here, not now, not with this random girl from the Denali school, even if she was kind of cute and not that preppy. No way. "Uh, I think I hear some lumber calling my name!" And I raced off towards the lumber section. I heard her following, tripping every so often and grumbling under her breath about 'stupid Volterra boys who walked too fast.'

I was thinking the whole time—we measured before we left, and the hole in the ceiling was about 3'x4'. We should probably get, uh, 4'x5' plywood then, and a sheet of 3'x4' for the 2'6"x3' hole in the wall, and then some waterproof material stuff for the _outside_ of the hole in the roof.

I turned to Bella. "Can you find a piece of plywood about 3'x4'?"

She nodded. "What ply?"

"Huh?"

"Ply-wood. What ply do you want?" I blinked. _What?_ "How thick?" she looked like she thought _I _was thick. Lovely.

"Sorry, but I think 'huh' pretty much covers it."

She sighed. Oh, please. Overdramatic, much? "How thick do you want it? And sanded or unsanded? Hardwood or soft? I don't think the sanded/unsanded much matters, because that's only really a concern when you're worried about fits accurate to 1/64th of an inch, which probably isn't the case here, right?" I nodded. This girl really knew her stuff. "But if it's going to be somewhere where there's water involved… I'd recommend specifically designed outdoor plywood—probably special roofing ply too. It's 5/8th inch. For the wall, softwood, 3 ply should do fine. And they don't sell them in sizes, sorry. You'll just have to take the smallest they've got and live with it."

I was reduced to nodding. She obviously… knew what she was doing… "And I want something waterproof too, for the outside of the roof?"

"Sure. Whatever you think is best. It's on your side of the house, after all."

"Yeah. Well, uh, I guess… some of that special waterproof roof plywood. **I**f we have a sheet above and a sheet below, that should be pretty secure."

We found a sales guy to grab our 3 sheets of plywood **--** he was all over Bella--it was hysterical **--** and moved on to tools. Here I was more confident**.** I knew what size nails I wanted **--** go mom! **--** and grabbed as hammer that felt like the right weight in my hands. Then Bella went looking for locks, leaving me to push the cart that held our wood, nails, hammer, and a saw and set of pliers I figured would come in handy _somehow_. She found several—a slidey chain lock, a specially designed lock to fit windows, and some other weird stuff: some sort of circular bolts, screws and a screwdriver, industrial glue, a chain, and padlock. Whoa.

"You're not paranoid _at all_, are you?"

She scowled at me. "Whatever. Let's go."

I grabbed my blackberry and called Jazz. He picked up almost instantly.

"Hey Emmett. Alice said you'd be calling soon." _Okay… weird…_ "Are you done?"

"Yeah. Where are you and the pixie girl?"

"We're still shopping. Check with Edward—maybe you four can met up, 'cause I don't think we're going to be done for a—_Jazzy! Look! A MOP!_—while. Alice is getting a little… excited."

"Okay, sure." I put on my patented girly voice. "Bye… Jazzy." I ended the call and pressed seven.

Edward took a bit longer to answer. "Hi, Emmett. We're almost done, just loading up the cart," he laughed. Whoa… 180 degree mood swing, there! "Rosalie has every male employee for five aisles helping us—it's hilarious."

Sure enough, I could hear an imperious voice in the background—_"Careful with that; I have to eat the food that gets stored in it, you know. No, not on top of my light bulbs, you moron. Be more careful!" _That sounded like Rosalie, alright. God, she was so bitchy, so arrogantly sure of herself, so caustic—_So gorgeous_—Shit. This was, this was _not right_. I was not going to be the kind of guy that commit**s** to a long distance relationship, and then drool**s** over other girls. That was not the son mom and dad raised. God… that first day, when I saw her, and then moments later, Angie called**.** It was like Fate was spitting in my face.

"Okay. Do you want to meet by the checkout? I think Jasper might be a while longer."

Bella was behind me, pushing the cart (and not too well—she'd already fouled as corner and tried to run down a little old lady… pretty funny, actually, which was why I was letting her steer), and she chimed in, "tell them it'll be another five minutes at least."

"Apparently, at least five more minutes."

"Great. We'll meet you at the checkout."

Whee… a fun filled day at our local Home Depot. _Actually…_ I eyed a huge bin of screws. _This might have funness potential. _

"Bella… how opposed are you to a bit of havoc?"

She smiled, and I saw for the first time how much it lit up her face. She was really quite pretty, when she wasn't glaring at you… kind of unconventional, but, yeah, that's actually kind of cool**.** "What did you have in mind?"

I grinned. "Just be ready to motor," I gestured to the laden cart, "You're my getaway car… just no corners, okay? A straight shot down, so you won't screw it up."

She frowned, but it was half-hearted. "Wreck your havoc, McCarty."

I winked at her, glanced around quickly to make sure we were alone in the aisle**,** though honestly, how many people come into Home Depot at 2:30 on a weekday? Then I strode over to the bin, gave it a shove… "Run for it!"

We tore down the aisle, the sound of hundreds of tiny metal objects hitting the floor and rolling**,** propelling us forward. After fifteen seconds or so, I slowed down. "Go right!" When I judged we were safe from any pursuit, I stopped altogether, grinning. "Fun, huh?"

Bella shook her head. "Boys." We shared a smile. She really was kind of pretty when she let loose a little…

**JPOV**

This was actually kind of fun. It wasn't terribly crowded, so I was feeling very relaxed, and shopping with Alice was… an experience. She flung herself into it so heartily**.** I could almost feel the excitement radiating off of her as she bounced ahead, calling back question after question about preferences and pricing, pulling items off the shelves, replacing a few but placing most of them in the cart I was pushing **--** which already contained two mattresses, several industrial strength cleaners, and a few household tools**--** chatting at me all the while. This, this almost _buoyant_ feeling, like I was no longer securely moored to the earth, the giddiness that swept through me, the fact that I barely noticed when another shopper had brushed up against my shoulder a few aisles back**,** I recognized it all of this from textbooks and psychological profile tests. It was… bliss. I smiled, and it all felt kind of … strange. But in a good way. Very, very good.

"Do you have any allergies to," she glanced down, "aklylphenols?"

"No."

"How about the other boys?"

"Don't think so."

"Good—this brand tests almost 17 more effectively than its leading competitor, but its high allergen rate means it's less popular, and thus, 99 cents cheaper."

"That's good?"

"Hmm… do you prefer Pine Fresh," she waved a little stick of cardboard in front of my face, and an overwhelming scent of faux nature made my nose wrinkle, "or Mountain Meadow?" a gentle lavender/freesia/new-mown grass sort of smell.

"Mountain Meadow, definitely."

"I thought so. Do you think we need sanding cloths?"

"Not really."

"Okay." She frowned down at a bottle of Tilex. "So, two bottles of Tilex in one house too much?" I nodded. "Hmm… well, if you insist. Do you think this one is better? It is a bit cheaper, and we're working on a budget. Jazz, how old were you when your father first hit you?"

"Seven." The word came out of my mouth without my realizing it. I stopped dead.

"Don't be silly, Jasper. I'm not an idiot, and it _is_ fairly obvious. How did he give you that burn on your arm?"

I grabbed desperately at denial, always a Whitlock's friend. "B-burn? Sorry?"

She sighed. "The one you're subconsciously rubbing right now. Come on, tell."

Again, without any input from my head, my mouth began to move. "I was eleven, or twelve, maybe. He was making bacon and I… said something wrong? I was late? He, he, 'spilled' the grease all along my arm… it probably wouldn't have scarred, but he wouldn't let my mother take me into the hospital… they were getting suspicious, see,"_ The heat, even before the pain, the shock, the burning burning burning, and then the pain, sharp bite for days and days, the way I had sobbed into my mother's shoulder—_I jumped at a gentle touch to my arm.

"Some people are hurting so badly the only way that seems to make sense is hurting someone else."

I smiled wryly. "I know. I wrote my AP Psych term paper on the long term effects of childhood abuse."

She smiled, and that smile seemed to ease all of my aches. She was… magic. "Do you think two mops is overkill?"

**BPOV**

On the ride back home (wiring equipment in the back of our car as well as the number of the 'best plumber in town' that Rose had wheedled out of an employee) we were all quiet. Alice was looking both very pensive and rather dejected; Rosalie had refused to allow her to touch the credit cards. Rosalie started to speak several times, only to stop short. Finally, about halfway there, she spat it out.

"I, uh, was talking to Edward, and, uh… you guys won't believe it, but… he was dating Tanya Vasiliavitch, and she dumped him the day we got here. That's why he was such a jerk."

I think my jaw hit the chassis. Whoa. That was… odd. Small world.

Alice swiveled in the passenger's seat to look at me. "Bella?! Did you know this?!"

I shook my head… that actually made some amount of sense…_whoa_.

"He seems to be actually mildly not horrible." Coming from Rose, this was a compliment. "He hates Royce and Victoria, too."

"Wait, what? Victoria _Riley?_"

"Do we know any other hate-worthy Victorias?"

"No… that's actually kind of weird. That he knows her, that he dated Vasilavitch, that he's _here_…"

"Yeah, but Chicago's not _that_ big of a city. They probably dated once, or something."

"Maybe."

By the time we pulled up in front of the house ahead of the boys **--** Did my rejoicing in that fact make me petty? **--** I was rather confused. Edward Masen acted like a jerk. But he was gorgeous. But he spit _in my hair_. But apparently he was just going through a bad break-up. And he _was_ thoroughly hot. And yet, honestly, he had been way more of a jerk than could be excused, and yet… there was something…

I needed a nap.

**A/N, a retrospective and summation with key analysis:**

**Justin:** Tequila? What the heck is with the A/N??

**Tequila:** advanced placement united states history paper… don't ask… --traumatized eyes-- really, don't ask…

**Justin:** ok… are you sure you're alright?

**Tequila:** of course I'm sure --twitches-- why wouldn't I be sure?! HUH?? DO YOU HAVE ANY REASON TO THINK I'M NOT ALRIGHT?!

**Justin**: no… no reason at all --backing away slowly—

**Anita: **We have no papers in AP Pysch. Hehehe…


	7. Construction and Human Ladders

**Author's Note:**

*crickets chrip, tumbleweed rolls across the horizon. All is silent.*

**Disclaimer: **um… nope. We own negative anything… not even the computer this was typed on… how depressing:( [We also do not own The Grim Adventures of Billy and Madny. Wanna know why this is relevant? Read on….]

**Construction and the Human Ladder**

To: JustinSaine

From: TequilaMockingbird

Subject: RE: twins…

JUSTIN!!! HELP!! Im trapped in an email! and once again i suspect my physics homework of homicide… gggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................................

my life, vale of tears, one and the SAME THING!!!  
*headesk*

To: TequilaMockinbird

From: JustinSaine

Subject: RE: twins…

You can't be stuck in an email tequila, it's not possible. And yeah, the thing with hw is u have to kill it before it kills u….

To: JustinSaine

From: TequilaMockingbird

Subject: RE: twins…  
well i just proved your definition of possible wrong then, didn't i??? im still stuck in here Justin! and from the looks of it, u r too!

To: TequilaMockinbird

From: JustinSaine

Subject: RE: twins…

Okay, okay, I got an idea. Send me urself as an attachment, and I'll open you up here, okay? Then you run to ur house and ill send myself, and you'll do the same for me!

To: JustinSaine

From: TequilaMockingbird

Subject: RE: twins…

Affirmative captain alpha martial foxtrot tango lieutenant major general beta theta phi pi gamma commander Justin! hold on while i find a few things to bring…

To: TequilaMockinbird

From: JustinSaine

Subject: RE: twins…

Tequila, if ur bringing anything with you, bring those twins. Rawr~ ;)

To: JustinSaine

From: TequilaMockingbird

Subject: RE: twins…

But they arent stuck in the email…

To: TequilaMockinbird

From: JustinSaine

Subject: RE: twins…

Just send yourself over you fool! (love ya for real tho!)

To: JustinSaine

From: TequilaMockingbird

Subject: RE: twins…

I'm coming, WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

**BPOV**

Speaking of naps… how the heck was I supposed to clear my thoughts of all chaos and disharmony when I was surrounded by a _constant cloud of tumult_?

"Alice, no."

"But Rose…. It was so hard. I _need_ them back!"

"Alice, fight your addiction. I believe in you. Repeat after me, 'I do not need my credit cards. I am okay without them. I am a strong and independent woman. I can take control of my life without my credit cards'"

"…why are you asking me to lie Rose? I'm not a liar!"

"Alice…"

"Please?"

"No."

"Pleasey please?"

"No."

"Pleasy pleasey please with a Lamborghini on top?"

"Hmm…. What model?"

"Um… your favourite?"

"Which color?"

"Red!"

"No."

"But please please please please please please plea—"

"Alice!" I took a deep breath. "Guys, I adore you… but we need to fix the other bedroom. _Now_." I'm an only child, forgive me!

They both turned to look at me, as if only now remembering my presence in the room. "Fine. Let's go." Okaay… unison was kind of creepy, but the response was favorable…

Rose stood and grabbed our Home Depot bags, lugging them to the door. She paused to grab the vanity and I forestalled her. "Actually, Rosalie, why don't we install the lock now? Just to save time?"

"Sure. Locks are good. I like locks." She dug into the bag and pulled out the specialty window lock we'd purchased, and tossed it to Alice. "Al, since you seem to have so much… experience… with windows—"

"Shut up, Rosalie!" Alice stuck her tongue out and caught the package, leaving Rosalie and me to sort out the door.

"Alright. So, basically, it's… we've got bolts, right?" Rosalie held them up to show me. "One goes on the outside of the door, one next to it on the doorframe, and the chain is strung between them, the padlock holds the chain there—so it's impossible to open the door more than an inch without unlocking the padlock, just the same as the chain lock we're going to install on the _inside_."

I thought about it for a moment. "Brilliant, Rose." It was a clever solution to our problem of how to lock the door from the outside without… well… a lock. We set to work, first screwing in the actual chain lock, and then figuring out all the bolts. I had never been more grateful for Rosalie's extensive experience with this kind of mechanically stuff. I was pretty handy with basic construction (I thought I'd impressed Emmett earlier with my knowledge at least a little), but all these little metal bits confused the hell out of me.

We finished about the same time as Alice, and tested out both the new window lock and the two different door locks—all of which locked, although the window key was a little stiff. Best of all, Rose had brought identical equipment for the windows and door in the other bedroom… where we were headed now.

After locking the door behind us (HA!) we made our way into the master bedroom and prepared to tackle the gorgeous, precarious old chandelier… without a ladder… drat…

**J POV **

I was still in some kind of minor shock when we returned to the house, but luckily Edward and Emmett were too busy bickering to notice. I hadn't told _anyone_ about my father. Not in twelve years. Not even Emmett. Not even Edward. And _she_ had gotten it out of me in less than two days. I didn't even put up a struggle. With Edward and Emmett, and the rest of the Cullens, it was forbidden ground. Uncharted waters. Taboo. But she, _she_, got it out of me voluntarily. Voluntarily, as in, I volunteered information!

But I was quite literally jolted back into reality by the plywood atop of Emmett's head. Yes, his head. For some reason best known to him, he had balanced the middle of the plywood on his _head_ and was keeping it in place by having his arms stabilizing it.

"Ow?"

"Oops. My bad." Emmett said quite cheerfully.

Edward thwacked him on the ass. Then promptly fell over laughing—spilling everything we bought at the store I might add—at Emmett's violated expression.

Awkward.

"Why Edward? Why?"

"For kicks."

Emmett could understand that.

When we'd reached our goal—the spare bedroom—Emmett dumped the plywood unceremoniously on one the empty bed frames. Without a word we all started at the hole in the ceiling. Then at the plywood. Then at the ceiling. Then at the plywood.

"So…. Anyone know anything 'bout ceiling repairs?" asked Emmett, still cheerful.

"Um…"

"Maybe…"

"No… not really."

"Yeah, no."

Okkayyy then. We had problems.

A split second later, they didn't seem quite so bad.

"Ouch! Alice! I said step on my _shoulders_, not my head!"

"Well Bella, if your shoulders weren't so thin then we wouldn't have this problem!"

"Sorry my shoulders aren't manly enough for you Alice."

"As you should be."

"C'mon girls, slow and steady. Alice, just—"

"I-DON'T-SEE-YOU-HELPING-ROSE!"

"Okay, Alice, OFF!"

There was a thud. My Alice!

Emmett got down on all fours and bravely stuck his head through the hole that served as a portal between our two rooms.

"Ladies…?"

"GAHH!!!"

"Holy hand grenades!"

"What the—"

By this point, Edward was incapacitated with silent laughter.

"I think an exchange could be mutually beneficial…."

----

**RPOV**

With Alice standing on _Emmett's_ "manly" shoulders, the entire thing was going much smoother. Emmett was patiently standing there with a cheerfully abstracted look on his face, with little Alice perched on his shoulders. I was standing behind them… to direct operations. Of course. The fact that I had a wonderful view was… irrelevant.

"Rose? Which wire thingy goes into the screwy thingy?"

Emmett chucked. Boys.

"Whoa! Don't do that! It makes you shake!" Alice yelled, clutching the already teetering chandelier for whatever support it could provide.

"Oh, sorry."

"Sockets, Alice. The 'screwy thingy' is a female socket. That's where you plug in the male wire head."

Emmett was, by this point, twitching. And red in the face.

"YOU PERVE!"

All was silent as we stared at the wall that separated us from the… commotion. Alice and I exchanged bewildered glances as the yelling continued. It was weird having her so much taller than me. I didn't like it…

"What? It was funny!"

"You are _not_ allowed to laugh with me up here! You hear me? No laughter!"

"Ja wohl mein Fuehrer…."

"Are you insinuating something?"

"Nein. I mean no."

"Just, just, just stand there and be silent!"

"Someone's a little bit touchy…..Ow! That was my head!"

"I was just seeing if it was empty."

"Glad I proved you wrong then."

"You think you proved me wrong? Think again. Maybe I'll kick harder next time. I just couldn't get through your thick skull to check."

Emmett gave a whoop. "Go Edward!"

"Hey, back off! Bella definitely pwns this situation."

"Hey, hey, where is the sense in yelling at the person with all the power? I can drop you like a stick!"

Alice glared. "A stick you say? Well, if we wanted to talk about sticks…"

"Whoa, leave my stick out of this!"

There was a short pause. Edward's outraged voice carried clearly into our room. "What, so you can laugh and _I _can't?!"

"That's how it works."

"Sexist."

"Excuse me?"

"It still counts if you discriminate against men."

"_Excuse_ me?!"

I winced. Had Edward taken some kind of class in how to push Bella's buttons? Because he was doing remarkably well.

"All I'm saying, is that if you can benefit from anti-sexist memes of society, than so can men!"

"No, that's not how it works!"

"Yeah, it _doesn't _work!"

"Ugh, men."

"Hey, hey, hey." Emmett promptly hauled Alice off his shoulders and set her on the floor—where she promptly kicked him in the shins—and stuck his head through to the other side. "Don't drag all men into this. Some are good!"

"And I'm not?!"

"Um…."

"Emmett you're supposed to be on _my _side! Bros before—"

"IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE I WILL PERSONALLY CASTRATE YOU!"

"meep."

"Very manly Edward, very manly."

"Be silent you mangy cur."

"Ouch. That cut me deep man. That cut me deep."

"Shut up."

I sighed. "Gentlemen—and I assure you, I use that term loosely—as amusing as your little domestic squabbles are, I want my human ladder back over here. Now."

Emmett came back in an instant. "Sorry…"

"Alice, up. You will insert the green 'wiry thingy' into the red _socket_, and you will do it silently. Emmett, you will refrain from immature posturing and chuckling under any circumstances."

"Rosalie, I assure you, _my_ posturing is anything but immature…"

I chuckled. Attractive, not as moronic as I had previously thought, and a good sense of humor. I could work with this…"Good, then be silent."

"I'm glad you two are getting along and everything, but Rosie, the male wiry head won't fit into the female sockety thing."

"Just force it in there Alice, you'll get it." Emmett said calmly, obviously not thinking about the connotations of his statement. I, however, was completely helpless with the laughter that overtook me. He paused a moment, then Alice and he began to laugh as well.

Nice laugh, too…

**EPOV**

"Very subtle, Bella."

She giggled and tried to wriggle free from my arms, but I wasn't having that. It was clear from the force of her laughter she wouldn't be able to stand on her own two feet. She had fallen from my shoulders after all. I was doing a kindness by not letting her down, and my choice had nothing to do with the fact that I liked her there. Nothing at all.

At least, that's what I told myself.

"I didn't plan it, Edward. I didn't 'force myself in here'." She burst into another round of giggles, and this time I joined her.

"Um… you can let me down now, I think I'm good." She was blushing.

I didn't want to, but if I didn't it would start to get awkward, and my arms would get tired and… I put her down.

"Actually, put me back up again, we need to finish sometime." There was a slight trace of pink in her cheeks that remained from her blush. It was adorable.

I nodded and knelt obediently by the bed so she could hop on to my shoulders. I held her hands until she steadied herself and then moved my grip to her ankles. I was still thinking about her hands in mine when her voice rang out.

"Rose? Can you come through and hand me some plywood?"

---

I clapped Emmett and Jasper on the shoulder in celebration of a job well done. The girls' chandelier had been repaired, the hole in the ceiling was no more, and the refrigerator worked! Go Jasper! We could have meat. And ice cream!

"We must celebrate." Emmett declared. "I will cook a masterpiece!"

"Emmett, I only fixed the fridge, not the stove."

"It matters not! I. Have. A. REFRIGERATOR!"

I leaned over and muttered into Jasper's ear. "And this is Sparta…" He chortled.

Emmett struck a heroic pose. "Onward! Where is my noble steed?"

"Em, _your_ noble steed hasn't been shipped from Chicago. But my much nobler steed is in the parking lot."

"…It shall do."

Jasper and I sighed and followed him out to the car. When he was in this mood, there was no reasoning with him.

We were walking toward the door when Rosalie approached us, carrying a small sheet of paper. We all stopped.

"Hale."

"McCarty." She nodded, then turned towards me. Oh yeah… "Can you guys pick up some stuff for us? There are still a couple of things we need to do here."

I narrowed my eyes. "Sure. But… what do we get out of it?"

She shifted her weight to her left foot. "We are willing to set up your mattresses while you're gone."

I traded glances with Emmett and Jasper on either side of me. "That sounds acceptable." I reached out and shook hands with her cautiously. "You will place _our_ mattresses on _our_ bed-frames?"

She sniffed haughtily. "Of course."

"Then I think we have a deal." We both nodded solemnly, and without another word she retreated into the girls' room. Did they have a new lock?

By the time we got to the store, I was just about ready to drive off a cliff. Okay, maybe not, but I was definitely about to commit homicide. Emmett had Soulja Boy playing on an infinite loop. I was dying. Luckily, the store loomed into view right around the time the vein above Jasper's left temple started pulsing.

We all hopped out of the car and awaited our culinary king's instructions. He stared at us blankly, still mumbling "Soulja boy up in…" before reeling off a list longer than Jasper's dissertation of all types of victuals and strange tools.

Wait—I caught one of those, a soufflé pan… mom has one of those… I think… We split up: I was in charge of all meat and poultry, Jasper of dairy products and produce, and Emmett the grains and his precious cooking apparatuses. By the time I returned to our agreed upon meeting place, I was laden down with microwavable chicken wings, all types and kinds of sausage and sandwich meats, and some kind of… ground hamburger meats? I wasn't sure.

Jasper met me with a large bag of apples, some carrots and lettuce, several cartons of milk and what looked to be approximately his weight in yogurt.

"Jasper, we're supposed to be _celebrating_. Do you know what that means? What's with the yogurt?"

He opened his mouth to reply but Emmett beat him to it. "IT'S PARTIALLY HYDROGENATED!"

Jasper whacked him on the shoulder. "Quiet, you."

Emmett seemed to be carrying five or six loaves of bread, several packets of instant rice, four sauce pans, a ton of spoons, and something that might once have been related to a colander.

"…what's with all the spoons?" I asked curiously. It seemed like that was the wrong question

"This, Edward, is a _ladle_. Not a spoon. And this one isn't a _regular_ spoon. It's a _spaghetti _spoon. And this is just an ice cream server—" I took time to note that we didn't actually have any ice cream. That would have to change."—this spoon is _wooden_ for stirring hot food. And this spoon is slotted, for separating beans from bean juice!" Emmett, while looking self-righteous, held out a set of plain metal spoons. "_These_ are the spoons you're looking for. Of course, if you want to get technical, we have soup spoons, dessert spoons, stew spoons, soufflé spoons—"

"Emmett. Enough. Our budget does not extend to soufflé spoons."

"Who said anything about 'our' budget? This is coming out of _my_ savings. These are my spoons! And this is my house!"

"First of all, Emmett, we're in a grocery store." Jasper pointed out sensibly. "And secondly, the house isn't yours… It's actually… ours."

"Nyet!"

"Okay, Emmett, Emmett, let's just buy your multitude of spoons and yogurt and get out of here."

"It's _partially hydrogenated _yogurt."

"Oh, be quiet, you."

After a short detour to pick up our good buddies Rocky Road, Chocolate Chocolate Chip, and Classic Vanilla, we dragged our spoils (which would be spoiling very soon unless we got them into the fridge) to the checkout and made Emmett carry all of the bags out to the car.

Leaving him stewing over his mozzarella _again_, we all piled into the car and drove… well, home.

Home. Sort of.

By the time we pulled up, the girls were nowhere to be seen, but there was a clean mattress on the two beds in the room that Emmett and I would now be sharing. They were honest, at least. We moved our stuff over and I lay down to relish in the joy that was a _bed_ on a _bed frame_. Emmett was equally happy, despite the fact that, for some odd reason, there was a line of duct tape about 1/3 of the way through his bed, lengthwise.

He shrugged, and said "I guess this is where the middle of the—"

"AHA!" there was a high pitched scream as—Rosalie stuck her head through the _wall?_ "You are on _our_ side of that bed!"

"What the hell?!"

"There is a _line,_ mister! That third of the bed is _ours_! Cheaters!"

Emmett leapt up. "Fine, then. I'll just move the bed over." He stood up and hauled the bed over… blocking the door to the bathroom. Brilliant.

After a long renegotiation of the tape line, which had to be readjusted and re-measured numerous times, the girls met us on the treaty line in the living room to discuss their groceries.

Jasper was trying his best to be stern, but the little one kept winking at him. "Um. So. We have—hey Alice!—your groceries. Which we will give you, but… um… some of it _will_ need to be refrigerated. Right."

Bella nodded, her mahogany hair falling in front of her eyes in a rather… distracting… manner. "We're willing to trade refrigerator and microwave time for shower time."

I grinned without quite meaning to. One sponge bath had been _more_ than plenty. Jasper nodded. "So, for one day's storage of foodstuffs, we expect two showers."

"One. Not exceeding ten minutes in duration."

He glanced over at us. That sounded… fairish. And I certainly never took showers that lasted longer than ten minutes. "Alright. For microwave use—every use will be exchanged for a shower."

"That's ridiculous! What if we just want to… to make cocoa?!"

"Fine… a timesheet will be kept near the microwave. Every use will be assiduously recorded. As soon as five minutes of microwave time has been accumulated, one shower (not exceeding ten minutes in duration)."

"So, a credit system? Five accumulative microwave minutes is one shower credit, one full day of grocery storage is a shower credit."

"Would a single, twenty minute shower count as—"

"Two credits, of course."

"When does the clock start for a shower? When the water starts running, alright?"

"Yes. Are you free tomorrow?"

Jasper grinned. "Yep. I'll pick you up at seven."

"And her curfew is eleven!" Rosalie chimed in.

"All right. Settled." Alice stuck out her hand and Jasper kissed it. We had a deal.

Only 24 hours… or five minutes of microwave time… and I could have a _shower_.

Things were definitely looking up.

**A/N **_**Now partially hydrogenated! (quiet you!)**_**: **

**Justin: **um, Tequila? what happened up there???

**Tequila:** I dunno, Justin, but it was WEIRD…

**Justin:** yep… so, hey everybody, sorry we haven't updated for so long

**Tequila:** and YAY WE GOT TO 200 REVIEWS!!!

**Justin:** which is AMAZING!

**Tequila:** unfortunately, we might not be updating again for a bit… Justin is LEAVING ME!!!

**Justin:** 2 weeks, tequila! just 2 weeks… I'm going to Brazil:D

**Tequila:** so, in case we don't see you before that… MERRY CHIRSTMAS!

**Justin:** or: happy non-denominational holiday greeting of your choice:D


	8. Reaching Nirvana

**

* * *

**

Author's Note:

**Tequila:** well… long time no see.

**Justin:** sorry about that!! Tequila was in Paris!!

**Tequila:** oui, oui ;) shmexy French boys!!

**Justin:** Lucky… j'ai besoin de l'homme musclée…

**Tequila: **hey!! You stole my line!!!

**Disclaimer**: even tho. Tequila now owns a copy of Twilight IN FRENCH, we don't (yet) own the rights to the series. Or to True Blood. Not that anyone cares, b/c True Blood is pathetic compared to Twilight. But… yeah. Don't own that either. Not that it matters. Except to the lawyers. And whoever does own True Blood. And their lawyer. Or lawyers. Justin's brother might become a lawyer. No, really. But he'd have to wear a suit.

* * *

To: PimpUrRide

From: DaisyHale

Subject: Your arrival

Rosalie. Having not heard from you, I hope you will be able to reassure me as to your wellbeing. Are you sufficiently provided for? Please do try and remember who you are and what you represent.

-From the desk of Daisy Hale

* * *

To: DaisyHale

From: PimpUrRide

Subject: Re: Your arrival

Mother. I have indeed arrived in Spokane and I am quite well. I appreciate your concern. The money you gave me before I left has proved quite sufficient for my needs. Thank you.

-Rosalie

* * *

To: HotWheelz109; HotWheelz901

From: PimpUrRide

Subject: HALLOO!

heyheyhey:D how r my handsome men? i checked out aiden, btw, and sry sean, but they dont remotely suck:D HOW WAS UR FIRST DAY OF MIDDLE SKOOL??? im dying 2 hear all about it!!!

-RosiePosie

* * *

To: PimpUrRide

CC: HotWheelz901

From: HotWheelz109

Subject: RE: HALLOO!

HEY SIS!!!! the 1st day of middle skool wuz AWESUM! next week r tryouts 4 the soccer team, nd im gonna rock it 8-) math sux lyk alwayz but the english this year is pretty kewl. hows life in wash?

-Sean

* * *

To: PimpUrRide

CC: HotWheelz109

From: HotWheelz901

Subject: RE: RE: HALLOO!

ROSIE! i knew i wuz rite bout the band :D aiden rox. duh. skools ok, but i keep getting lost. theres so much more stuff here. and people.

one person especially. theres this gurl in my science class nd shes rly cute nd nice. but i havent tlked 2 her yet. 2 chicken. :(

-Aiden

ps: her names marta

* * *

**Reaching Nirvana While Playing House**

**BPOV**

By the time the boys left, Alice was already rooting about in her mountain of luggage, in what was soon to be _my_ room. Just mine. All mine. Very soon, I hoped.

"Alice? Has your luggage eaten you?" Again.

"No, I'm fine… ish. Come in here and help me force—I mean, _persuade_ my handbags back into by handbag suitcase."

"Alice. You have a bag for bags?"

"Well, they don't carry themselves, silly! And I pack things in them too… it's quite efficient, really."

It was true. Alice had a nearly preternatural gift for packing—which was good, because she also had an obscene amount of stuff. "Alright, Alice, I'll help you… but I'm not carrying _anything_ heavier then I am."

"Fine. Spoilsport."

By the time Alice, Rosalie and I had lugged both of their things into the bedroom they would occupy now, the sun was low on the horizon and I was starting to feel peckish. We had shifted approximately enough in the way of clothing and personal items to stock a small Salvation Army (only much, _much_ too stylish to ever be from Salvation Army… as Alice repeatedly tells me) and my arms felt like they were going to fall off. I left my two best friends bickering about closet space and returned to my room—ha! My room—to drag the mattresses down the hall. Luckily, the boys were out of the house, so I could just prop the doors open without worrying.

Soon all three mattresses (two single mattresses underneath, one double mattress on top) were on the huge double bed, and I had _floor space_.

It was like nirvana. Only with more in the way of dirty clothing all over. I ran around tidying _my_ room a bit, finally actually unpacking my suitcases (two. Two suitcases—I managed to fit everything in _two_ suitcases, and I wasn't having anything delivered, the way they were) and shoving things into the dilapidated dresser that had been here when we arrived. I grabbed the (small) handful of things that should probably be hung up and walked over to the closet. It was small, with a low pole and several shelves above (although the fact that the closet was designed to be accessed from the hallway meant that they were kind of in the wrong direction… but so be it…) and I shoved my two or three nice skirts and dresses onto the hangers Alice had made me pack. I returned to setting my knickknacks up wherever there was room. After a few minutes I found my winter coat and went to put it in the closet. Wait. There was more in this closet then there had been five minutes ago—this skirt wasn't mine! Neither was this one… "They're _breeding_!"

"What?" The back wall of the closet… opened?! And Alice was staring at me.

"Whoa. The closets connect."

"No shit, Sherlock." She smirked at me. "I thought I recognized the hideous clothing that I have, as of yet, been unable to convince you to throw away."

"Alice, for the last time, you are _not_ my personal shopper, I am not some kind of Bella-Barbie, I _do_ have preferences when it comes to what I wear!"

"Sure, Bella. What_ever_ you say…"

She _always_ won this argument. You could bet on it. The small amount of 'hideous clothing' that was currently residing in the closet were clothes that I had gone shopping for, an act brought out by necessity (and very stealthily). Everything else I owned had been bought for me, something that any normal person would be happy about, I was sure, but I had a strong independent streak. I could buy my own clothes! With _my_ own money! And hang them in _my_ room! Haha, _my_ room.

"Whatever Alice," Rosalie snarked from behind Alice, or rather, above "is there any more room in the closet? I need to hang up my couture."

Why would she possibly need to use _couture_ in this place?

"Well, Rosalie," Alice replied in a deceptively sweet voice "if you hang up your couture, I will have to fold my Armani. Armani does _not_ get folded. It just doesn't."

"Alice, no offense, but personally tailored and originally designed couture beats off the rack Armani any day."

Alice appeared to swell in anger. "Off. The. Rack?! _Off the rack!?_ Pardon! I think I must have misheard you, because my friend, my dear, dear friend Rosalie, would _never _be that cruel."

"…you've known me for how long?"

"Long enough to realize that your so-called 'tailored' and 'original' couture could more easily be found at _Old Navy!_"

I let out a gasp. That was below the belt. This cat fight was _going_ to get ugly.

"Girls! Count!" I shouted, throwing my hand in the air in a peace sign.

They knew the drill. Both scowled and held up their fingers while slowly counting backwards—by prime numbers—from fifty seven. At least while I was around, they'd be decent at math. And no one would be taken to the emergency room. This time.

By the time they both stopped, they looked a tad bit calmer. A tad. Only an infinitesimal amount. "Now. Are we ready to discus this like reasonable, equally well dressed adults? Whose clothing is so much better than mine?"

" That's true, but no."

"Alright then. From four-hundred and seven, but by thirteens."

They scowled and did as they were told. By the time they were done, I'd had a brilliant idea. I leaned against the wall and inspected my fingernails, faux casual.

"Now… girls, I might be able to facilitate a… mutually beneficial solution to our little… spat."

They glared, and there was a short pause before Rosalie took the bait. "What."

"Well, as you both know, we have decided to split the closet into equal thirds. That is clearly not working. I might be… persuaded to allow you to utilize my currently unnecessary closet space."

By this time, they were looking like two wary—but extremely hopeful—puppies.

"How Bella?" Rosalie ground out from her clenched jaw. She did not like situations that were out of her control. Too bad.

"Yeah Bella, I'd do _anything_." Alice was going for the waif look.

"First shower. Hot water. Every day. It's mine."

Rosalie's eyes grew wide with horror. We all knew how much she loved her showers.

"Calm down Rosie, it's not like the hot water will be disappearing after one use. And I don't take as long as you two, if you guys went first I'd have to wait for _forever_ before being able to wash. At _most_, at most I'll take thirty minutes. Usually not even that!"

Although Rosalie was looking like she just found out her long-lost puppy had died, she swallowed bravely. "Okay Bella… for the couture."

"Yes Rosalie, for the couture. Think of the couture." A thought came to me. "Oh, and Alice, I would just like to point out, the more clothing I… obtain, the less closet space _you_ get."

Alice narrowed her eyes. "That's what you think."

Well, I tried.

"Alright, girls, lets take a short break… we need to put the boy's mattresses away, after all."

Rosalie nodded. "I've got it. No worries."

"You won't, erm… put anything… in the mattresses? Right?"

She waved a hand at me. "Pfft. Of course not. That's not subtle enough." She turned and left, preparing to cross enemy lines.

"Rose? _Rose_?"

* * *

Eventually, Alice and Rosalie were settled into their room, and I was settled into _mine_, relaxing on my bed and staring, beaming, at the floor. It was _hardwood_. I could see it! I could also hear the quiet screaming from the other room… but I was blocking that out…

I did hear the doorbell ring. The boys were back. I smirked at my _locked_ door. Very locked. Extremely locked. About as locked as it was possible for a door to get. I decided to go and visit Rosalie and Alice… via the closet. This was actually rather fun, I thought, crawling under all the 'couture' and carefully avoiding the shoes. I knocked on their door and opened it without waiting… to see Rosalie pressed up with her back to the wall, right next to the hole, with a pair of… spy goggles?

"Rosalie, what are you doing with your brother's—"

"Shhh." She frowned at me.

I sat down on the bed. The spy goggles were actually pretty cool… a pair of binoculars that let you see behind you. Rosalie now had a brilliant view of… the boy's bedroom?

"But why—"

"Shhh!"

I shrugged. Okay…

After a moment, there was the sound of someone collapsing heavily on a bed, and Rosalie whipped around (dumping the goggles) and screamed "AHA! You are on _our_ side of that bed!"

"What the hell?!" Emmett's voice was outraged.

"There is a _line,_ mister! That third of the bed is _ours_! Cheaters!"

Okay. Rose was definitely losing it. But good for her, never let them relax their guard, always keep up your defenses, don't give them an inch…

Emmett hauled the bed over, which lead to much re-drawing of the line and squabbling about measurements, and fetching of Alice's measuring tape, and glaring… in short, a good time was had by all.

After much argumentation, Rosalie was back in her room with Alice and me, sitting on the bed and chatting. But then we had to go and get our groceries. Which meant prolonged association with… them…

Jasper was obviously trying to be stern and serious, but Alice kept winking at him. Good for her… keep 'em guessing… "Um. So. We have—hey Alice!—your groceries. Which we will give you, but… um… some of it _will_ need to be refrigerated. Right."

I nodded. We'd discussed this already between the three of us, and decided on our currency of choice. "We're willing to trade refrigerator and microwave time for shower time."

Jasper nodded. "So, for one day's storage of foodstuffs, we expect two showers."

"One. Not exceeding ten minutes in duration." Alice's response was lightning-quick.

"Alright. For microwave use—every use will be exchanged for a shower."

"That's ridiculous! What if we just want to… to make cocoa?!"

"Fine… a timesheet will be kept near the microwave. Every use will be assiduously recorded. As soon as five minutes of microwave time has been accumulated, one shower (not exceeding ten minutes in duration)."

"So, a credit system? Five accumulative microwave minutes is one shower credit, one full day of grocery storage is a shower credit."

"Would a single, twenty minute shower count as—"

"Two credits, of course."

"When does the clock start for a shower? When the water starts running, alright?"

"Yes. Are you free tomorrow?"

Jasper smiled. "Yep. I'll pick you up at seven."

"And her curfew is eleven!" Rosalie burst in.

"All right. Settled." Jasper kissed Alice's hand. Sneaky.

We scurried back to our respective rooms… me in _my_ room, all by my self.

I was never going to get tired of this.

My laptop was still in my bag, and I spent a few minutes setting it up on the vanity (which I certainly not going to use for anything else!) and finding all of the electrical outlets. I. Had. Internet.

There was a god.

* * *

At around eight o'clock, Rosalie, Alice and I met up to try and figure out some dinner… which meant we had to get to the kitchen. The boys refused to allow us to cross the treaty line without an 'escort,' which meant Jasper showed up and attached himself to Alice. Rosalie and I were left to assess our provender… and we decided on sandwiches. Because that was about all she could cook. We grabbed some French bread, melted a bit of cheese on it, and sliced some salami. Microwave use clocked as: 20 seconds. That and some diet soda (at the sight of which Emmett muttered something derogatory about women and diet soda which we magnanimously ignored) and we were set. After dragging Alice away from Jasper, we settled down in the living room and ate dinner while watching TV.

Something interesting was happening. At the beginning of our meal the boys had come into the living room and were sitting on the sofa. However, by the time I was halfway through with my sandwich, they had slowly migrated right to the edge of the chasm. Each had an expression of utmost concentration as they very carefully pretended not to be watching True Blood over our shoulders. I glanced over at Alice, who had a small smirk on her lips, and then at Rosalie, who nodded like she meant business. Just as gradually as the boys had moved over the room, we shifted to completely blocked their view of the tiny television set.

"No!!! Sookie!"

We all turned to stare at Emmett.

"….Hi." Edward ran a hand through his (gorgeous) hair, looking guilty.

"Edward, Jasper." Rosalie said nonchalantly. "Any particular reason you decided to grace this specific corner of the room with your presence?"

"No… particular reason." Edward temporized. "It had a nice view."

"The back of my shirt is lovely, isn't it?" Rosalie all but purred. Edward had a small smirk on his face by the time she started throwing him the patented Rosalie Lillian Hale Glamour Glance. "It's couture." She bragged in a lofty voice, turning over to glare at Alice. "_Hand made_ couture."

Alice sniffed.

"You're wearing couture inside the house, Rose?" I asked, a little peeved at nothing. I mean, The Glamour Glance? Really?

"There's never a bad time to wear couture Bella!" Alice replied joyfully. I was saved from the argument that was sure to follow by an unexpected source.

"Is there a wallet down here?" Jasper muttered. It was the first time he had spoken since he was caught.

Time slowed down.

My jaw dropped.

Alice's eyes grew huge.

"BELLA, DIVE!" Rosalie screamed as she launched herself at Alice, and secured herself firmly around Alice's waist. Alice yowled, kicked, clawed, and even bit Rosalie, but to no avail. Seeing that Rose had the situation under control, and without pausing for more than a second to think about how absolutely _disgusting_ this was going to be, I turned and leapt into the abyss.

The world was darkness.


	9. Dives, Dates, and Dining

**Author's Note:**

**Tequila:** we are SMOKIN'

**Justin:** two chapters, one day…

**Tequila:** we are GOOD ;)

**Justin:** or, er, we were really bored today.

**Disclaimer:**we don't own Twilight. Or "How to Walk in High Heels: A Girl's Guide to Everything," or Orlando Bloom (even tho. we really REALLY wish we did). Or anything. Except, you know, OUR SOULS!

* * *

To: PlayNice

From: BoxersOrBriefs

Subject: furniture…

hey mom… we wur wondering if u cud send in the furniture after all? after a couple of days here, we realized we probly need it. but dont worry, everythings awwwww right ;D

-Ur M&M

* * *

To: BoxersOrBriefs

From: PlayNice

Subject: RE: furniture…

Sure, Emmett darling, I can send it over express, so it'll get to you at the same time as your car! I hope you and Edward are having a good time, and I expect you to email me as soon as school starts!

-Esme, with love

* * *

To: Mrs. Darcy

From: InterstellarTraveller724

Subject: new pottery class!!

Bella, I'm taking a new pottery class, and it's simply brilliant, I'm really finding new ways to interact with the Earth and her bounty through the medium of clay, and I think it's simply invaluable to find yourself elementally, especially since modern civilization has grown so out of touch with the depths of Nature and the Great Cycle. I'm reading a wonderful new book, too, called Finding Your Inner Earth Mother, by Demeter Greene, and I think you should find a copy! Phil is doing wonderfully, as always, and his arm is doing fine, although I know we were all worried about that a few weeks ago! The new doctor says that as long as he keeps stretching carefully before each game he should do fine. I've been helping him out, but I've been so busy with pottery and my new gardening class… it's absolutely wonderful to get in touch with my green thumb!! I'm so glad to hear that you're doing great at college!

-Renee

* * *

**Death Defying Dives, Dates, and Dining**

**BPOV**

This. Was. _Disgusting_.

Vile.

Horrid.

Nauseating.

Nasty.

Revolting.

Repulsive.

Gross.

Foul.

Repellent.

Abhorrent.

Really. Totally. Icky.

But I had the wallet! There was light at the end of the tunnel!

On the other hand, I was stuck.

"Need a hand there?" Emmett stuck a substantial paw down in front of me.

"Thanks." I said gratefully, taking the offered hand. With a single haul he had me standing on the _boys_ side of the room, clutching the treasured wallet.

"NO! My precious, I wants it…. Nasty hobbitses, they steals it…" Alice muttered insanely, still struggling futilely against Rosalie's grasp. I was in no mood.

"That's the girl you're dating Jasper. Please, contain her."

Jasper sighed as Emmett gave a deep throated chuckle beside me. As Jasper bravely trooped over to deal with Gollum, Emmett leaned close to mutter in my ear.

"_Tinkerbell's_ a bit _short _to be making sizeist remarks, isn't she?"

I giggled. That was actually rather clever.

Edward rolled his eyes. Would it kill that man to get a sense of humor?

**EPOV**

Jasper was simply looking down and making innocent remarks about a wallet, when… all hell broke loose. Next thing I knew, Alice was a screaming, kicking banshee in Rosalie's arms (lucky), and Bella had… leapt into the pit? Was I missing something here?

Bella snatched up the wallet and stood there for a moment, looking completely and utterly horrified. I was about to offer my assistance—for purely altruistic reasons, of course—when Emmett yanked her out by the hand like she was a rag doll. As Jasper trudged over to calm down his girl, Emmett started making sarcastic remarks. The moron. Bella could have been seriously hurt by that stunt of his—you didn't treat people like they were rag dolls. She was even rubbing her arm! She was obviously—

"Are you okay?"

She raised her eyebrows. "No, I'm… I'm fine. Thanks?"

I frowned a little. Emmett should really be careful next time. Even I know better than that. Not that I usually lifted girls out of dank chasms. But, you know, if I did, I'd be really careful about it. You know, just in case. You don't want to hurt people, right? Right.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm…sure. And I'm fine. In fact, all I need is a shower right now." She shuddered. "Actually, make that five minutes ago."

Oh. Shower. Right. Shower?

"Oh, okay. You know, if you're alright."

"Right… Rose?"

The blonde turned away from Alice and Jasper to focus on us. "Pass it here Bells, I'll hide it again. Jasper, deal with _it_."

As Bella left the room, Alice let out a slow, high-pitched whine. Jasper looked as if the very sound put him in pain, but he valiantly held her close to him. Thus blocking her view. The sneak…

Rosalie was gone and back within seconds. The wallet had disappeared. I wondered what was in it… plutonium?

"Okay, well. After all this… excitement, I think we should all just call it a night." I reasoned. That way we wouldn't blow up in each others faces anytime soon.

Rosalie smirked. "Well I don't usually think of my bed as somewhere… unexciting."

I grinned and opened my mouth to retort, but was cut off by the pixie.

"Ew! I'm sleeping there too!"

I almost died. Bed not unexciting. Two girls. Sharing. Phwoar….

Emmett had the biggest dopey grin on his face as well. Then he winked at me. The perve.

"Okay… going to bed now." Rosalie muttered, taking Alice's arm and towing her forcibly away from Jasper. "Sorry Jasper, you've done wonders, but it's way past her bedtime."

"Rosalie." Alice's voice was eminently reasonable. "I don't need my beauty sleep. If I got any more beautiful, people's eyes would spontaneously combust."

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Jasper nodded fervently. _Someone_ was whipped.

"Okay, Alice, bed. Now."

"But what about my shower?" She pouted.

"Yes, you can take a _shower_. Good lord. Let's just go."

And then they were gone.

"Isn't she something?" Jasper murmured reverently, staring after the girls.

"I think I need a cold shower after that Rosalie comment." Emmett muttered.

"Well Emmett, due to someone's poor bargaining skills, we can't have a shower. We need to wait another… 21 hours for that. Or, you know, four more minutes and forty seconds of microwave time." This deal sucked.

"You could always use the kitchen sink." Jasper proffered optimistically.

"Excuse me, sir? Are you suggesting we defile my cooking space? Dis is mah kitchen!"

"Emmett, we're not in the kitchen." I pointed out unhelpfully.

"Fine… DAT is mah kitchen!"

I rolled my eyes. He was incorrigible. I dragged myself off to get ready for bed, waiting patiently for Bella to finish with her shower. I waited for the sound of running water to end and then for the sound of. the door before I made my move. I nipped in quickly—Alice could show up at any moment—before completing my ablutions. Once I had finished, I crawled back to my bed, clambering over Emmett's in the process, and fell into a blissful slumber.

At around three in the morning, I was awakened by my bladder. I groaned as I got up from my bed—the air was cold, and the blankets were warm. I climbed over Emmett, who only snuffled a bit in his sleep, and entered the bathroom. On my return trip, however, I was not nearly so lucky.

As I was crawling back over Emmett, he lunged up and clutched me tightly about the waist. Obviously roused from a… pleasant dream, Emmett started mumbling sleepily into my neck and tightened his hold around me.

"Mm…Rose…"

…. I considered my options carefully.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" I yelled with abandon, flailing my legs wildly, arms akimbo. Emmett awoke with a snort.

"Huh?"

"….personal space, personal space, personal space. Emmett, you are seriously infringing on my person." I chanted crazily, squirming frantically to get free. He released me, and I sighed in relief. Freedom…

"Whas goin on Edwa…?" was all I could make out from his mumble.

"Go back to sleep Emmett, bed time." I whispered, aware of just how much noise I had been making earlier.

I returned to my bed feeling just a little bit violated. Sleep would heal all my mental scars…

**JPOV**

I hauled myself out of bed in the morning, congratulating myself on possessing the brains to snag the single room. Four years of sharing a room with Emmett was three years, three hundred and sixty four days too many. I entered their room, and crawled over the bottom of Emmett's bed to get to the bathroom—why was his bed there?—and begin my morning routine.

Unfortunately, the faucet that was on "our" side of the line was the one for the _cold_ water.

Note to self: shaving with cold water = not pleasant.

After clambering back over Emmett and awaking both of the slugabeds, we finally settled in to a light breakfast. Well… light for Edward and I. Emmett, as usual, consumed enough to feed a horse. A large horse, bordering on obesity. After eating—and waving at Alice across the room—Edward decided to try and call a plumbing service to try and get the kitchen up and running again. As he was talking on the phone, Rosalie wandered over to their side of the gap in the floor.

"Are you guys calling a plumber? Because there's no hot water in the ensuite bathroom… we'd be willing to split costs."

I shrugged. Sounded fine to me. I glanced over at Edward, who nodded, still talking.

"Yes. A plumber. We have a bathroom without hot water, a sink that doesn't work properly, and a broken stove…. I'm sorry? Oh…. Well, then, that's fine… _what_? Oh, that's ridiculous—no, no… thank you for your time."

He hung up. "Seven hundred bucks. Just _to come look at the problem_. Obscene! Absolutely obscene!" He scowled down at the Yellow Pages booklet, and then turned to look at me. "This is the fourth plumbing place that can't do the stove, and is charging us way too much money."

Seven hundred dollars. Divided by two, was three hundred fifty dollars. Divided by three was around one hundred nineteen dollars. To come look at a sink. I was worried now. That was the kind of money I didn't have. That I couldn't afford to spend or lose in any way. That was the money that was going to get my sister into college.

Rosalie smirked. "No plumber is going to fix a stove. That's a job for an electrician." She shrugged, and even though I wasn't attracted to her, I could admire the way she made even that simple movement into an enticement. This girl knew her stuff. "And—fancy that—I seem to be the only electrician who is likely to help you with that deathtrap of a stove for a… negotiable… price." She cocked an eyebrow at Edward.

"What do we have to offer… a lady such as yourself?"

Her gaze grew steely. "Pay for the plumbing bill. All of it."

Scratch that. Seven hundred divided by three, two hundred and thirty three dollars. Fuck. _I couldn't afford this._

Edward nodded. "Fine." He glanced down at the phone book. "Well, I was leaving this one for last, because, frankly, this company is sketchy. But needs must… 'Crowley Plumbers Co., We Plumb Your Depths' it is…" as he began dialing, I could hear Rosalie laughing behind me.

I could tell by Edward's face that someone had picked up. "Yes… yes… a bathroom without hot water and a broken sink… no… no, I'm quite sure… yes, I have checked… no, I don't need to check again… _no_, I really don't need to… yes. Yes. Alright. That seems reasonable. Any chance you could come tomorrow? No. How about Monday? It'll have to be after, uh, four-thirty. Yeah. Thanks." He hung up. "Two hundred and ten bucks."

Seventy dollars. Thank God. That I could stand to lose. And a working sink would be nice… to say the least. Especially if the hot water tap in the bathroom continued to be off limits.

I glanced down at my watch. It was almost precisely eleven. Only eight more hours until my date with Alice. I looked down again. Make that seven hours, fifty nine minutes. And some seconds. Good. That would me to do a little… preparation.

"Emmett? Can I borrow your blackberry?" I thought I'd seen what I need while we were driving into town… but I had to be sure.

* * *

**APOV**

At about four o'clock I began to prepare.

Step one: thorough, warm shower. Opens pores, eliminates B.O., relaxes sore muscles, calms frantic Alice. Check.

Step two: moisturize, shave, exfoliate, towel-dry body and blow-dry hair. Check.

Step three: perfume. Dab onto wrists and back of neck, spray cloud into air and walk through. Check.

Step four: select and arrange outfit. EXTREMELY NOT CHECK.

I had nothing to wear! _Nothing_. In all the universe there had _never_ been anyone who was so completely doomed to nothing-to-wear-ness as I. This was obviously a curse that had been placed upon me at birth.

"Rosalieeeeeeee?" I whimpered. "I have nothing to wear…" I trailed off miserably. "My wardrobe won't come in until tomorrow… All I have is my… _travelling_ attire. I can't go on a date in my… _travelling_ attire."

"Alice, take a deep breath. On your last date, you were in pajamas. It can only get better."

True. Very true.

"But Rose, they were _sexy_ pajamas. Made to show off a lot of leg while still looking innocent! Like I didn't plan it at all!"

"Okay. Well what about this dress?"

"Too casual."

"This one?"

"Too formal."

"And this?"

"Trying too hard."

"How about—"

"Not trying hard enough."

"Well, why not this—"

"Too red."

"What? Alice, it's a red dress, of course it's going to be red."

"Yes, Rosalie. But it's _too_ red. It's sending bad vibes of redness. I can't work like that."

She sighed. "How about this one?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Rosalie. It's been scientifically proven that the color orange raises level of anxiety. I don't want Jasper to be anxious."

While she was searching the (tiny!) closet, I turned around and spotted—lying innocently on my bed—_the dress._ It was perfect. Casual, but not too casual, easily dressed up or down, not trying too hard, but looking like I'd tried, the dress for all occasions. I snatched it up.

"Oh! Perfect!"

"Alice, that was the first one I showed you!"

"Well, obviously Rose, you must have showed it to me _wrong. _This dress is _obviously_ perfect."

She sighed again. "Well, as long as you're happy…"

Step five: get dressed. Check.

Step six: check for imperfections. Mussed hair, panty lines, tags, hanging straps, etc. Check.

Step seven: apply make-up, taking care to neither over emphasize nor under emphasize. Take it easy on the eyeliner, but mascara is your friend. Check.

Step eight: second coat of perfume. Note: can be a different scent than your base coat, so long as the two are compatible. Check.

Step nine: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize! But don't go too crazy. Nothing too gaudy, but nothing too simple either. Maintain a balance between what you need to look good, and what you want to wear. Check.

Step ten: SHOES! High, low, designer, bargain, patent leather, snakeskin… Check. Well. Not _all_ of that. Not at once.

Step eleven: hair—not that I could do much with my hair, but—hair. Check.

Step twelve: FINAL CHECK. Check.

My twelve step program was perfection in itself. It never failed. And it was nearly six thirty! I had time for a tarot reading—before my date with Jasper. Squee!

I laid out a quick Celtic Cross spread. Major Arcana only. First, the general tone. Next, the antagonist, then the foundations. Fourth the past, fifth my ultimate goal, sixth the future. Then, next to the cross, my approach, my surroundings, my hopes and fears, and my eventual success or failure.

Ten cards. One future. I turned over my first card. The Sun. A good card, an auspicious card for new ventures and affairs of the heart. Second my enemy—an inverted judgment. Prejudice and self doubt. Third: the foundations of the issue; and the card I held in my hand was the Empress. Love. Empowerment. The past showed the inverted Hermit for loneliness, my ultimate goal was the Fool, a card of optimism and eternal hope. My immediate future was the Lovers: change and innocence, a new relationship. My seventh card, my approach to the situation at hand, was Strength, exactly what it sounded like. My surroundings were Death: great changes and upheavals in a way of life. The inverted Tower showed my fears in the unexpected collapse of relationships and friendships. And… my hand shook as I turned over the last card, the eventual outcome, the final verdict… the Magician. Achievement, personal satisfaction, the beginning of new love and a new life.

Thank heavens. My watch said it was almost a quarter to seven. Time to go.

I grabbed my coat (which matched! Perfectly. Blue was a good color.) and went out into the living room to be 'picked up'. Not that there was much picking up involved. But it was the principle of the thing.

At six fifty-two Jasper emerged from the kitchen, looking immaculate and absolutely edible. Yum. Ever the perfect gentlemen, he crossed the chasm and took my arm.

"Ready, Alice?" He asked me softly.

I nodded.

He lead me outside into the cool autumn air and Edward's car. We drove through the dusk, chatting about everything and nothing, until he parked the car in a deserted lot on the far side of town. He got out and opened the door for me. Like I said, he was the perfect gentlemen.

"Where are we going?" I asked in confusion. An empty parking lot was hardly my idea of a good date, even if the company was excellent.

"Do you trust me?" He asked me, pulling out what looked to be a scarf.

"With my soul." I answered instantly.

He smiled at me, and took my hand. "Okay, it's a surprise, so close your eyes while I put this on." His hands were gentle as he tied the scarf across my eyes, but I still couldn't see anything. Curses…

In a single, fluid motion he quite literally swept me off my feet and cradled me in his arms. I let out a squeak of surprise.

"Well, I wasn't going to let you walk around blindfolded. You could get hurt." He explained. I smiled, and thought of Bella.

We walked forward, then slowly began to curve left. We had to have left the parking lot by now, and the sound of his shoes on the pavement had changed. It was less distinct, muffled somehow. Grass? Where were we? The pace of his steps altered as if the ground below us had grown steeper. After perhaps three minutes, he set me down with an injunction to hold still, I heard the clink of metal. A gate? Then I was lifted once more and carried for another minute or so, on the same yielding material that I now knew for certain was grass, smooth and manicured. When I was set down again, Jasper murmured that I had to wait just a moment longer. He vanished from my side and I was left alone in the darkness…

But not for long. Soon there came a sweet melody, drifting towards my ears, and then Jasper returned and slipped the blindfold off of my face.

It was a carousel. The most beautiful carousel I'd ever seen. The horses were ancient, but though their paint was faded and peeling, they were beautiful, more alive than any others I'd seen. The music was gentle and cheery, and the ceiling and walls of the merry-go-round were brightly painted and set with mirrors. Next to the carousel was a sheet with several cartons of take-away Chinese on top of it, and a bottle of fizzy lemonade.

"Jasper… it's beautiful." I breathed.

"Too cheesy to say not nearly as beautiful as you?" He replied.

I grinned. "Too cheesy by far."

He laughed, and I never wanted that sound to end. "Then I'll just have to think it."

I turned towards him as he stepped closer to me, and it was as inevitable as sunrise. It happened.

He kissed me.

* * *

"Yes, Rose, a _carousel_. And there was no one else there. He must've broken in or something, because it was totally private. And he got the carousel to work somehow… he's so good with his hands…"

"Whoa! Back up here, how'd you know that?" Bella gave me a gimlet stare.

"I _meant_ he was a good mechanic! Lord! Although… if you'd let me continue, he isn't bad with his—"

"Just keep going."

"He brought Chinese take-away, and lemonade, and it was the _sweetest thing_."

"I dunno, I like my lemonade a bit sour—"

"Shut up. You knew what I meant. I'm trying to gush here!"

"Sorry, Al. I'll stop impinging on your gushing. What happened next?"

"Well, we kissed for a bit, then ate dinner, then kissed some more, then rode on the carousel, then kissed on the carousel, then we talked, then we kissed, then we realized it was ten thirty and panicked for a while, then we kissed some in the car, and then he dropped me off here. After kissing me good-night, of course."

"Good Lord Alice, no wonder your lips look like they came straight off of Angelina Jolie's face."

I grinned evilly. "You should see his."

Rosalie wolf-whistled. I grinned again.

"And he's just… he's just the most… I mean, really, the absolute most… I can't even…" I flopped back onto the bed with a delighted sigh. "Wow."

Bella giggled. "Double wow. I haven't heard you going on like this since the last Orlando Bloom movie came out. So, how bout it, Alice, Jasper or Orlando?"

"…Threesome?"

"You know that's not allowed."

"But it's so hard to choose! My elf is so _pretty_." I heaved a great sigh of depression. Giving up Will Turner was so hard, but if I had to choose… "Jasper."

Rosalie inhaled sharply. "Whoa. That's the first guy to ever pass the Orlando Bloom test…"

I shrugged. "Who knows, Rose, he might just be the last."

And that night, I went to sleep with a smile.

**A/N, **_**the second date**_**:**

**Justin: **awww, the lovebirds

**Tequila: **i want orlando bloom!!!

**Justin: **the story, tequila, the story!

**Tequila: **oh. thats nice too. TEQUILA BLOOM!

**Justin: **--sigh--


	10. These Are Their Stories

**Author's Note:**

-Justin & Tequila are too ashamed by the ridiculously long delay to speak to you-

**Disclaimer:** If we owned Twilight, we'd be busy writing a short story about Bree Tanner (cough or working on Dark High Noon, cough). But we don't.

* * *

To: BoxersOrBriefs

From: Angelgirl

Subject: we have to talk

Em? i'm just emailing to remind you that we were gonna talk? when can i call you? this is kinda important… is tmrw ok?

-Angela

* * *

From: Mail Delivery Subsystem

To: Angelgirl

Subject: AUTO-RESPONSE: MAILBOX WAS FULL

This is an informative message sent by your server  
The server was not able to deliver your email message  
Subject: we have to talk  
to the following screenname:  
BoxersOrBriefs: mailbox is full

* * *

To: BoxersOrBriefs

From: Angelgirl

Subject: RE: we have to talk

Emmett! answer your email! i really need to talk to you!

-Angela

* * *

From: Mail Delivery Subsystem

To: Angelgirl

Subject: AUTO-RESPONSE: MAILBOX WAS FULL

This is an informative message sent by your server  
The server was not able to deliver your email message  
Subject: RE: we have to talk  
to the following screenname:  
BoxersOrBriefs: mailbox is full

* * *

To: BoxersOrBriefs

From: Angelgirl

Subject: RE: we have to talk

Emmett!

-Angela

* * *

From: Mail Delivery Subsystem

To: Angelgirl

Subject: AUTO-RESPONSE: MAILBOX WAS FULL

This is an informative message sent by your server  
The server was not able to deliver your email message  
Subject: RE: we have to talk  
to the following screenname:  
BoxersOrBriefs: mailbox is full

* * *

**These Are Their Stories**

**RPOV**

Dusty. Very dusty. Something told me that this stove had not received routine maintenance in far too long. Something like, perhaps the family of mice that had moved in. And the fact that when I'd tried to clean off some of the dirt, some of the metal had come away with it.

Yeah. Not very ideal, that.

"Well? How bad is it?"

I wiggled out from under the stove, very glad that I was wearing jeans and hoping my hair was salvageable. "It's not great, I can tell you that."

"Usable?"

"I think so, as long as I replace the heating element, rewire the whole shebang, and you do some serious cleaning work down here." There was no way in hell I was going to clean this piece of scrap metal.

"How soon can you do that?"

"The cleaning? Never. The rewiring, right now. I'll have to go buy a new heating coil, but installing it should be no big deal."

Edward paused. "Okay. Thanks, I guess."

I grinned. "It's not like I'm doing this for free."

He laughed. "Yeah, you're right. Still, thanks. I'm betting this is costing us less than an electrician would have."

"Are you kidding? Every electrician I know hikes up the price whenever he can get away with it… a bunch of college kids? You'll get triple-charged if you're _lucky_."

He shrugged. "Like I said, thanks."

"Sure. When's the plumber getting here?"

"Tomorrow. After class."

Whoa. Class. "It's hard to believe I'm actually starting college tomorrow. Actual college."

He nodded. "I feel the same way. I'm just not sure… AP Biology and AP Chemistry… does that really prepare you for—"

I rolled my eyes. "Cool it. If you turn out to be one of those people who's always freaking out about school, I'm going to mess up your stove even more."

"If you break it, you can't use it."

"Hot plate." I shrugged.

"Touché."

We were standing in the kitchen smiling when I heard a resounding crash from the front door. Edward jumped and looked a little alarmed, but I just laughed. "Alice." I explained.

He looked relieved. We walked out into the living room. As I had suspected, Alice was standing at ground zero of a disaster zone of grocery bags. I had let her out (with Bella supervising the credit cards) earlier this morning so that she, Bella, and Jasper could buy supplies for what Alice referred to as an "almost-time-to-start-college party!" Honestly. But I owed her—more than I could ever express, her and Bella both. So even when Alice was in la-la-land and Bella was deep in the-most-boring-book-ever-written-in-the-English-language… I put up with it. Just like they put up with the fact that I was a little forceful (well. actually. a total bitch, if you want to get technical) sometimes. I walked over and stuck out my hand. Alice blinked up at me innocently.

"Credit cards? What credit cards?"

I rolled my eyes. "Alice."

"What? Why do you immediately jump to the conclusion that I have done something? Whatever happened to 'innocent until proven guilty?' where is the trial of my peers? Whatever happened to habeus corpus?"

"Er, guys?" Emmett called from where he was carrying the bags towards the kitchen. "I don't think we can fit all of this shit into the fridge…"

"Habeus corpus, Alice? Really? I don't think you're in any position to be talking about the rights of the accused. _Seeing as you're a repeat offender_."

She sniffed. "Honestly, Rose. I can't be tried for the same crime twice. Don't you ever read the Constitution? I mean, admittedly, I heard about that one on Law & Order, but the principle applies."

"Alice. The cards?"

Jasper stuck his head over her shoulder. "I love Law & Order. Great show. Hasn't been the same since that guy died, though. Shame it got cancelled."

"I totally agree, Jazz!"

"Er, guys? I'm serious, the fridge isn't that big… and there's already a _lot_ of ice-cream in it… and ewww… is that moving?"

"I'm not sure about the spin-offs, though, don't you agree, Bella? The original show had a lot going for it…"

"Yeah, Jasper, this obsession with SVU is really disturbing; and have you _seen _CSI Miami? All sex, no crime!"

"You know, Alice, I agree," I murmured, "and he's not even that cute, whatever his name is… but I think I saw him in some movie, remember?"

"Guys? I think it's a spider… I don't like spiders!"

"Yeah, Rosalie, it was that movie we saw that time, when you were dating that guy—you know, the one who lived next to that place where we bought those shoes? That place?"

"Oh, yeah, I remember, it was an awful movie, wasn't it?"

"Well, Alice liked it… but she has awful taste in movies, so—"

"I resent that! I just appreciate _romance_, unlike you two cynics. You know, Jasper, they actually _snorted _during Love Actually? How can you snort during _Love Actually_? It's only the best movie _ever made_!"

"Really? Snorted?"

"Come _on,_ Alice, the scene was cheesy and you know it."

"Deathly romantic."

"Cheesy."

"_Deathly romantic_."

"Cheesy!" I blinked. "Wait just one moment, Mary Alice Brandon! Nice try. Hand over the credit cards. _Now_."

She sighed. "I was so close."

"Pfft. As if. Give, now."

She pulled them out of her pocket, reached out, hands shaking… and made a break for the bathroom. Luckily Bella knew her just as well as I did, and was standing there waiting. While they wrestled, I reached over and grabbed hold of them, holding them high above her reach. She pouted.

"AAAAGGGG!" there was a shriek from the kitchen, and we all turned to look. A moment later Emmett reappeared. "It's alright… I killed it." He turned back to the fridge.

We all stood in the living room, blinking. Edward shrugged. "Dropped on his head as a child, I suspect." I nodded in agreement.

"But it has _babies!_" Another scream, and then the sound of loud thumping. Emmett's head reappeared. "Situation under control. No need for alarm."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "The only alarming thing here is you, Emmett. You alarm me frequently."

I agreed. Cute, but alarming. Alarmingly cute. I squashed that thought before it matured. Emmett looked like he was about to retort, when his phone rang.

"_Beautiful… You're beautiful, it's true… I saw your face in a crowded place and I don't—"_

"Hello? Angie! Hey baby, sorry I haven't checked my email—oh. _Oh_. Am I in trouble? Mmm. Okay, sure." He wandered out of the room.

Of course he has a girlfriend. Don't be stupid, Rosalie.

Alice looked around. "Where did my groceries go?"

Edward grinned. "Just… open the fridge slowly, that's my only advice."

Smug bastard.

* * *

**EMPOV**

I just about jumped three feet when my phone rang—Angela. Of course. Just when I'm feeling at my most guilty for drooling over Rosalie Hale (and, God, was I drooling), my phone rings. My girlfriend (right, Emmett Cullen, remember that? Your girlfriend?) was calling. I pulled out my phone.

"Hello? Angie!"

"Hey Em."

"Hey baby, sorry I haven't checked my email—"

"That's fine, but we need to talk."

"Oh. _Oh_."

"It's… I mean. In private?"

"Am I in trouble?"

"Just… go where you can be alone, alright? Knowing Edward, he's listening to every word."

"Mmm. Okay, sure." I walked into Jasper's bedroom and shut the door. "So what is it? Is everything alright?"

"Sort of. I just…" she sighed. "I've been thinking, Emmett."

"Uh-huh?"

"And, as much as we said we could make this work… but I've been hanging out a lot with Tony, and Ben, and…"

"And?"

"And I think I've got a bit of a crush. On Ben. And that's not fair to you, and really, long-distance isn't fair to either of us, if… and I know we said… but. Well."

"So, are you saying you want to break up."

"Yes?"

"I mean… Angie, we weren't ever Romeo and Juilet, it's not like… that's okay."

"Really? Because I feel really bad, but…"

"No. Really. It's okay. It's not as if this wasn't going to… it's fine. Ben's a great guy. I hope you two are happy."

"Thanks Emmett… will you still miss me?"

"Of course, Ange. Of course. You're one of my best friends. Seriously. The only person I know who doesn't hit me when I point out that if girls straight out said whether or not they'd sleep with us, the dating process would be much more efficient for males."

She sighed. "I'll miss you, Emmett. I really will. Alright. Bye. Have fun in Seattle."

"Bye, Angela."

There was a click. I had officially been dumped by my girlfriend of two years. Was I a horrible person? Because all I was feeling, apart from a little bit of nostalgia… was relief. Normal people didn't do this, right? Normal people would be devastated to lose Angela—a really nice girl. Very pretty. Good sense of humor. Willing to watch action movies. Normal people would cry, or something, after losing two years of a relationship with a nice girl like that.

Shit. I really was a horrible person.

* * *

**BPOV**

Alice had decided that, for some reason, a party was needed to celebrate the start of college. In true Alice style, she'd gone all out on the food and decorations, and forgot to plan anything to do. At least the house looked somewhat better. You know, if you squinted and turned your head on the side a little bit. Then it almost looked like an intentional design choice. Shabby-chic. The peeling wallpaper and crumbling roof was festooned with crepe paper and ribbons, and Alice's iPod was blasting music. There was food—edible food.

The only problem was we had nothing to celebrate. I certainly wasn't about to get up and start dancing, and the only person I was particularly interested in holding a conversation with (Emmett—what was with that phone call? He'd stayed locked in the room for hours) was currently mainlining guacamole in the kitchen. Alice, Jasper and I were sitting on the couch, Edward was leaning against the wall awkwardly, and Rosalie was in the bathroom.

Or at least that's what she claimed. I had my suspicions, though.

Alice shifted. "Oh, hell." and started sucking face with Jasper.

Edward and I muttered "Ewww…" and as soon as Rosalie walked back in, she rolled her eyes.

"Okay, Alice, you're the one who wanted a party. So what are we going to do?"

"Charades?"

"No."

"Cards?"

"No."

"Pictionary?"

"God, no."

"What about some television? It's six, so—"

"Law & Order!" Edward, Jasper, and I shouted in the same breath.

"Not SVU." Was Rosalie's only parting comment as she made her way into the bedroom she and Alice were sharing to fetch the television. With it propped up on everyone's textbooks, and all of us squeezing onto the couch (Alice was sitting in Jasper's lap, and Edward perched on the arm) staring at the tiny screen and munching on chips. It was one of the good reruns—the one where the conman is flirting with the jury foreman—and we were all hooked. It was actually rather pleasant, spending the evening that way. Emmett cooked dinner, and we split the microwave time (now giving the boys officially enough for two and a third of a shower). We all decided on an early night, because Orientation was being held the next day at nine in the morning, and with only one working shower, we weren't going to be able to sleep in. I crawled into my room, and Rosalie got ready for bed in their bathroom while Alice supervised (from outside the bathroom, of course) Jasper's shower.

Of course, even after the house was dark and quiet, I couldn't sleep.

College.

Shit.

* * *

**A/N, almost a year later:**

**Justin:** Er…

**Tequila:** sorry?

**Justin:** -swats her- Sorry isn't good enough, Tequila!

**Tequila:** umm… if we owned the rights we'd give them to you?

**Justin:** Better. But we don't.

**Tequila:** um… you can have my brother?

**Justin:** Who would want him?

**Tequila:** umm… HERE! COOKIES! -runs-


End file.
